When Being Strong is Your Only Choice (1)

I have decided I will not react the same way as I did before when I failed the previous relationship.

I blamed God. I was hurting my own body. I cried an ocean... was so out of control a river wouldn't have enough capacity to hold the tears, hehe. I tortured my own self. I was so hurt, I was so helpless. I've gathered up my strength this time, and started to eat normal. One day is enough. I won't be drowning in sorrow like last time, and I realized my last meal was on Sunday afternoon before I started the break up topic with him. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday and I can't let my body suffer too much today when I have a lot to do at work. I am not repeating the same mistake again, this time.

I was breaking down yesterday so I decided to take a half day leave from the office. The previous night I was anxious and couldn't sleep a wink, so I was tired inside and out. I hate the fact that I can't get asleep whenever I have something heavy in mind... ever since I was little. So I went home and started sobbing again in bed... for hours. It was too hard to bear, losing love after I just began to heal from the previous wound. And the fact that it was all due to my own choice... yet I couldn't bear the destroyed feeling....

After crying too much I could hardly breath... I realized I should never again blame Him so I got up to take wudoo. I am not repeating the same mistake again! As soon as I opened the door, Ibu who I thought had got home, was standing there with teary eyes, and began to hug me, pat my back, "Cry... just cry... I will always pray for you, Dek Sarah. Like I prayed for Dek Hayyun. I've been listening to your crying sound, I know it hurts you too much, so just cry..." The fact she is a Christian but she sincerely prays for me felt touching. And I am sensitive to hug, I always love being hugged, which Mama never gives.  So I cried even harder in her arms, "Ibu knows it already? Mama told you? I'm sad, Bu... I am very very sad..." and she just kept patting me. Then Mama showed up from downstairs, with Auntie. So Mama, Auntie and me got back to my room. I kept crying.

"You're so weak when it comes to love. Perhaps it's your biggest weakness. That is why God gives you another trial in love." I nodded agree while crying so hard helplessly. Everyone is tested differently, my heart said. My aunt, sitting beside my mom on the edge of my bed, trying to comfort me. "Sarah is beautiful, smart, well-educated, a very nice young lady, you'll find someone else in no time, okay?", she continued, still trying to get me to calm down. But this time I didn't nod, I didn't agree. I admit there are some guys out there who're still trying, but what's the point when I'm not attracted even the slightest bit? It's very hard for me to get attracted to someone and I always have this tendency to grow feelings to those I shouldn't fall for... now that it happened again for the second time.

Mama who did not talk a lot, not until my aunt left, "Be proud that he loves you, but be even more proud that you've chosen to leave him, okay?", I nodded. "You still want worldly happiness, Mama won't judge you wrong, because it is not, but please keep in your heart and mind that dunya is temporary. We Muslims believe in the eternal life and that's what we should pursue: the afterlife eternal happiness rather than deceptive happiness in this temporary life." Still sobbing, I nodded. "You always question a lot of things but you should know that there are things in this life human beings just won't ever comprehend. You believe in fate, don't you?". I nodded again.

Ibu came in with a glass of water in her hand and handed me it right away. After another hour of more cries, listening to them and responding to them when I needed, I did shalah Zuhr when Aunt had left and Mama went downstairs too. Lying in bed still in the praying outfit was me when Mama came in again. Now she began to talk a lot...