A Vulnerable Heart that Pretends Strong....

I feel so weak. Literally. Here I'm writing again after several days ago I deleted this link to my blog on my IG (that again will be inactive for quite some time now), in the hope that only those friends who really care to me will read this. I don't mind though if random people find this, just please do not send me private messages judging me even if it's in a very nice and polite way. I am not opening my heart again in the near future... to new guys. I need my time alone, I am back to this stage where I do not want to enjoy life. I only want sleep. A very long one... that sadly is a very luxurious thing for me at this moment I can hardly get.

So... After a while, I took some pills again yesterday around 5 pm. It was Sunday but I didn't get myself on treadmill or any other light workout like I normally do. I just took shower and went to my bed with lights off and locked door. Deja vu? Only wanted to rest earlier to get rid of my bad thoughts and anxiety. But I kept awake until this morning, perhaps due to the headache pill I took a few hours later, keeping me awake all night and it's very tiring. I am extremely tired and drained emotionally... physically.

I was having a hard time concentrating on driving all the way from home to the office this morning. I started okay but then it was all blurry vision along the way. I arrived and parked too early and the thought of texting with him in my car at the parking area... made me burst in tears. At my desk, talking to someone, I couldn't bear this heavy feeling whenever his name was being mentioned or when I had to go to his office. But I still have to come on a daily basis and pretend like my heart is all okay... I have to bear it all. And I need to stay the least for another 3 months or even more until I find a new job. This is hard... Too hard. Gosh... beg your mercy this time is much harder to go through...

Last night that felt so long.... I listened to ballads, melancholic songs. I sang those songs. I prayed. But most of the times, I cried. God... Why do You give me another test like this. Wo zhen kuai bu xing le. This time is even 1000x harder than the last one. Two months is very short of time but for a sensitive heart like mine that's always craving for affection.... It means huge. It means another failure for me. I should've guarded my fragile soul better... Now I'm so dying inside.

I am lonely. I need someone but I always seem to fall to the wrong person. How should I love again? I have my dreams too, Ya Allah. But the more I'm dreaming of them, the more it feels like You are never going to bless me. Why do You make me choose, again. Did I fail on the last test so You're giving me a similar test now? I do not ever want to leave You. No matter how weakening is my iman in this deen, I still have you in my heart. I still come to You because You're the only God I trust. This time.... it is extremely hard for me.... I'm not going to cut my arms or thinking about leaving this world but it's like.... it's like I'll become numb....

This is me. I keep questioning a lot of things but I choose to stick with You. My hijab that I wear, even if it's getting shorter over time, I never plan to take it off. Mandatory prayers, even though I am not performing them as khusyuk and as much as I used to do, I still do shalah. I am a disappointment to both my mama and papa but I still choose them over my own happiness. I choose You because I want to keep You in my heart more than any worldly creatures You create. But I want happiness too, Allah.... I will never blame You again for my wounds but please show me I can get my happiness too in the end... will You.... I am sinful, I commit uncountable sins, I'm aware of it. But these wounds that I keep creating to my own self, is to show You I still try to make it up... Because no one could ever feel how deep my pain is but You know how I've been struggling by myself...

I'm on my PMS and I miss him too much, the one who finally showed up to fill the hole in my heart in an unexpected way... and I chose to leave him so that I will not repeat similar story with another tragic ending.... and this weak soul is starting to regret my decision... Please guard me, Allah.