Things You Missed.... (1)

Hey, baby kid.

I miss you so dyingly. I know you're doing just fine, maybe you're sad too, but I know I'm the only one who's bearing it so hard since you're a man and I'm the girl here.... I just won't ever deny that fact anymore, learning from my last experience. I just won't question again why men can have it lighter. Why won't they understand that every word they said to their women, will last forever in their minds. Thus we need more time to recover. And for me, I can never heal completely. Time makes everything better but it won't replace memories. I won't question such things again.... I just need to accept that women indeed are always the ones who left shattered to pieces. Men with genuine feelings may be having a hard time, but they always handle it quick. I won't question why though.....

I miss you so dyingly, but I know we're over, I know it's all my decision which you agreed at last, I know I can just text you still right now to tell you how I miss you, I know you'll still text me back, I remember even when I had made the decision, you told me you'll always be there for me. But I know it's not the right thing to do... to text you. You're a man of his word, unlike my ex. So I should try harder to be more like you. You challenged me to be strong, you said that so easily it hurt me, but I'll show you that I.... am trying.... hard.... but what can I do, I'm still me... I'm a woman of feeling.... And now I am missing you too much.

And I can't bear it today. Yesterday I was stronger but not today. So I'm writing it all here... things I want to say to you. Even though you will never read this. You don't often check my IG story so I know you don't even check my online diary here. But I will still pour my heart out.... I've always been like this....  Maybe you never know I have an online diary even though I told you once. Oh, what was the last count on the FV again? Forgetful you... who I love so much.

Do you remember you told me to take a picture in the dresses I was tailoring for my sister's wedding? I said no because they needed fixing. "Then wait until they got fixed ok", you said. This morning Mama asked me to try them on, but you know what, they are still so bad. We've picked very very wrong tailor. So I haven't tried it on still, haha. But you know, we are not in touch anymore, so... you will never see me in those dresses....

Speaking of my sister's wedding... Last night at home I found more stacks of her wedding invitations. Have I told you that my papa is inviting a looooot of people? Perhaps because it's his first daughter's wedding he wants to tell just everyone he knows. Haha. When I showed you the invitation's pic, you responded, "Where's mine?" like you would come if you're invited (putting your most favorite face here). That time I did not expect at all that by the time my sister is married, we'll already be strangers... It hurts to imagine that you know. So much. Not completely a stranger I know, as long as I am still here, we'll always have this employee-employer relationship. But will that make me feel better? You know the answer....

Oh. You know LKW is here right now, right. When you heard he was coming, you predicted that that one girl at office who idolizes him would be excited to hear the news. I told you that I hadn't told her. And you told me to tell her. What I haven't told you is I did tell her and as you've predicted, she was excitedly happy to hear that. Hahaha. You're smart I know, but you're also forgetful, but at the same time you've always amazed me by how you have selective memories of certain things. Like, how do you actually filter things you want to store in your memory? You seem to remember our first talks one night in March: like most of them, or maybe even all of them. But you forgot about snakefruit and about my rabbit. Are you really a complicated, multidimensional person? I'm also forgetful though you always said I'm thoughtful... but I do remember all things we shared!

Back to LKW, yesterday was his first day here at office and after full day of meeting, in the afternoon out of the blue he just commented on how I looked skinnier! He asked if I'd been on a diet. I said honestly, as I always am an honest person hehe, that I got stressed. The first pounds shed was because of the stress, but since I had lost them, I just continued trying for more weight loss. That's how I got my body now. And he ended up motivating me, "You should maintain this figure." Hahaha. Okay! At this time I just figured why you possibly turned out to like me: I've been getting prettier, right? Hahaha. Actually well you said so yourself, that I'm pretty even though I'm far from J-Lo (put your favorite face here hahah) whenever I doubted your feelings to me, as I don't find myself pretty whatsoever. By the way, even though it's all over between us, I still want to do those tasks you gave me.... everything. How am I supposed to remove you then from my heart? I never have any intention to let it happen but I did choose to end everything anyways. You told me to be strong whatever decision I make, and I always try, but the truth is, I miss you every single time.

Have I told you that I was so touched when you said sorry for making me going through another secret relationship, and you said you're being selfish when you asked for it, and that I could tell the world that we're in love if that would make me feel happy.  You've called my "my gf", you asked me if I had told my friends that I had you. You said you didn't care how people will see us. But I do care....

Despite being younger, I always know you're mature. So mature that for the third time I asked for break up, you let me think straight about that and you told me you'd still want to keep going on but you can see that I'm always bothered by a lot of things. I didn't realize I was on PMS when I made the decision, sometimes I feel like I'm regretting it, but sometimes I also feel like it's indeed the right thing to do.... Sooner or later. The second time I asked to end this, you just gave me your favorite face and tried to convince me, that you believe we'll work things out in the end. But how could I believe that... I'd been in similar situation for years and I'm too afraid that this time too will end the same. So I really chose to end it. But I'm hurt.... You showed up when I had this deep hole in my heart and you began to fill it... Until that night when you confessed, I was stunned. I felt like I was in a Korean drama (this is what I was mumbling and you didn't hear it clearly and you asked but I said nothing hehe). I was flattered and even though I cried alone that night realizing it would be another test for me.... You came and offered me only happiness I always dream of. You listened to me, you comforted me, you showed me you care. Do you know that I always like your voice even long before we started getting closer? One day you called my name in the meeting room to move closer to your seat so I could translate for you. That's when I began to like your voice. Such a simple girl, I am....
   
I was helping with the translations and that was when I figured out... I'm wearing pink hijab today. It's your favorite, right. This is my new hijab I showed you the pic last time on the day I bought it. On the pic was several hijabs with different color and you took notice on the yellow one. You said the color was festive. See, if there's one thing (actually more than one you know) I regret from taking such decision is... I've learnt to speak in English naturally the whole time we're together. You corrected me, you taught me new vocabs indirectly, you called me at nights so I could practice listening. And in all those activities, there was love. How I am missing those moments... I'm really trying hard now not to break down.

I'm really going to try harder tomorrow but let me be weak again today can I.... I really miss you damn much. I miss you texting me in my afternoon and your dawn time, to only say you got awakened and that you had something important to tell me. You called my name. And that important thing was... "I miss you so much". I miss you who confessed to me that you spent 2 hrs in your flight back to your country looking at our pics. I miss you making me feel so loved.... Can I cry now?

I miss you comforting me when I was down, I miss you saying I love you to me. I miss your response "You can't love me more than I love you" when I said I love you. I miss you saying "I miss you more" when I said I miss you. I miss you calling me silly silly older little girl. I miss you comforting me when I was worried because we are too different, by saying "It's okay, I'll keep telling you it's okay, forever if I have to". Can you come to me again now to say those beautiful words? Pat my shoulder like you did when I cried. Tell me with that soft voice that's become my favorite, that it's okay, it's okay even if we're different. Tell me love conquers everything like what you implied once. Tell me my God will forgive me if I choose you. Or tell me you'll try to open your heart to my God whom I fear, which is impossible.... I should love Him more than I love you.... Love Him as much as I fear Him. But now it's only you occupying my entire mind and heart. What should I do. Let me be weak again just today alright... I'll be stronger tomorrow I promise. I've started reciting Al Matsurat this morning even I didn't get to finish it, and I found peace. So I'm hoping I'll really get better in no time, just like you said. Just like how you've been doing.


I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me.


Baby kid,
You're doing just fine I know.
But this ajumma is missing you too bad.