Things You Missed... (6)

Thank you for asking me how I've been doing. If only you knew how a single hi from you could get me to go through the day stronger. I was hungry since the morning but I didn't feel like eating, but as soon as you texted me... I have grabbed biscuits, chocolates, and nuts in my drawer and now am re-energized. Lol.

Thank you for asking me how I've been doing. Strangely your text came in just after I texted my bro and my uncle over there... What a timing. Answering you, I wanted to tell you how I've gotten weak again these days so I did tell you... in a lighter way.

I'm glad you're doing good, but I don't know why I feel like you've been missing me all this time we've parted....

Today it just happened that I'm wearing the same hijab and outer parka as that last day when we had steak for dinner with the others. It brings back the memory of our chat in the night when you're departing. When both of us couldn't seem to control the feelings that started to grow inside.

Yesterday I was wearing red hijab, also happened to be the exact same hijab I wore when we had secret dinner, the night when you later told me those magical words. The night everything started for real. The night where the pic of which later became your phone's wallpaper was created... sadly it's replaced now. I still frequently look at those pictures tbh, those are my most cherished ones after all.

You know among all people I know who have commented on how I look skinnier lately (not after our parting, but since that traumatic event I got from the ex), my big sister has always been the only one who never said anything about it. But this morning, when I was all gloomy and about to leave for work, when I was wearing my parka, she just suddenly said, "Have you lost more weight? Even skinnier now..." so I just shook my head a little and replied her, "I'm not sure, I don't feel much difference...". And I was telling the truth because... I still eat quite a lot recently. I only stopped eating the first day after the breakup. But now I came to think... could it be the pressure inside that's been taking up my energy? The tremendous sadness. Because I didn't even walk on treadmill since our breakup but I did lose several pounds when I still ate pretty well.

Whatever the reason is, whether it's my inner sadness or my lack of sleep, or anything else, I am still happy that I can find my pattern now. I used to not be able to drop a pound no matter sadness state I was in. But since this year, it gradually becomes my pattern on losing weight. Tremendous sadness that's eating up your energy. On Friday, my father #1 at office also finally commented that I did look thinner. So I said, yes, because I'm wearing batik. You can't see any transformation in the stripped uniforms because they are always bigger than my actual body size. But now it's batik, and black, on top of that. Hehe.

Last few days when I didn't go out for lunch with the other staff, one of my best friends here told me that while they were eating out, two other staff asked why I'd been so quiet these recent days. I didn't realize it but since she told me that... Well, I admit I wasn't talking much with the others this past week. And also I've been putting some self-encouragement posts on my Whatsapp status where most of people at office could see and perhaps then noticed the changing of my behavior. So when they asked, it showed they care, but also surely try to digging more on what happened to me. Yesterday on my way to the parking area, one staff also said that she was kind of feeling I'd become too quiet and that she didn't like it and that she missed my old self, the cheerful, talkative one. And I just smiled and asked her to pray for me.

I don't know... I am strong one day and then get weak again the next two days. It's always ups and downs. Taking one step forward, but then unexpectedly the pain attacks and I take two steps backward. It's becoming a pattern....