Things You Missed (4)

Baby kid,

This is about time we're usually talking to each other, right?
I would do my activities from house chores until exercising, sometimes I have showered but sometimes you wake up first before I take shower.
I have gotten used to waiting. Waiting for you to wake up, waiting for your good morning text, waiting for everything I just can do with you.

This is the first Sunday night I've spent without talking with you.
There's a loss, obviously. A lot of times my heart still aches, because I do miss you each minute.
But I've determined I will have to pass this test. Not just pass, but with flying colors. Because it's you, this time. You have told me to be strong, so I will be. You told me to play cool, I will try. You have made me think a lot about many things in life, and most of all, is the fundamental issue about me being a Muslim.

Still a lot to write, I need to do another thing now so will continue tomorrow.

You never read this, but writing down all things I wanna share to you, even though it's not cool in your eyes, I still feel better by doing so.  

Continued now.

So now I'm really wondering if you did mean it every single time you said I love you to me. How can it change so quickly. There were times I felt grateful that you'd turned cold to me, gave me strength and more pride not to looking back to those sweet memories in the past... as well as I felt relieved that you stopped me from resigning. But it really still hurts me... How someone used to be important, a part of your life, just turned stranger in an instant. One time you showed me you still care, the other time you just let me feel like I never was an important person in your life. You told me I was more important than anything you're working on. You told me I was your favorite Noona. But yes you did tell me you could love hard and drop it if you had to. Now teach me how to... This is love, something your heart feels. How can you just drop it when needed, how can you have such a good control over it. I warned you not to play with my heart, didn't I.... God, I am ready if you take my life right now. I feel helpless again right now. Take me now, I hope I am on the right path now while you end my life. My heart's aching all the time, God.

See... Last night I was so optimistic I could pas this test satisfyingly but see what state I am now... I am falling down again... Lord....... It hurts... it hurts so much missing someone you know he is not even thinking of you anymore let alone missing you. It hurts so much I'm really okay if You end my life right now, Lord.....