Today a month ago, was when you showed me your phone wallpaper: our hands. Us holding hands. You said you missed me everyday so you never changed it. I bet you've changed it by now right.... Because you seemed to be handling our parting so cool. And I need to learn a bit from you...
I am really missing you so much right now... and every second of my breath. It's not even at night, it's now a clear bright day, but me lying in this bed waking up from a quick nap.... can only think of that very moment when we were doing nothing but holding hands. Last night too... The image of me waiting for you then walking fast to meet you at back entrance as soon as I'd received your message... The image of your smile welcoming me... How you quickly grabbed my hand then we walked together.... Each thing you said to me.... Even a day before we agreed to part ways you still sent me a video of you saying I love you. How sweet, and I miss all those moments. I miss you so much. I miss you too much.
You texted me this morning asking if I'm doing fine. I had no options but to answer you optimistically. You told me I could annoy you by being weak so how should I answer? Indeed I am getting stronger but actually... I'm still not fine. How can I be fine in just a week, tell me how could you be that strong. I can't even tell you things like, "Krispy Kreme is opening at Margo!", "That mango super popular drink has opened also", I wanted to tell you things like this, do you think I can do that? Will it undo my progress of moving on from you? When my heart is still not sure when it's willing to let you go. I have let you go, but my heart has its own timing and decision.... And that's what makes me most anxious. I am honestly afraid that my heart will be waiting for you silently. I am afraid of that knowing how persistent I could be when I'm already in love. I'm afraid....
I still don't dare to go to our usual places. I still have that one folder of our pics and vids in my phone, not sure when I will be able to remove it.... I will never delete it, I think. Maybe just remove it to the laptop. I'm hoping you'll do the same but.. if you do delete our memories then I'll still never know, I'll still keep mine. This is just how weak I am and blinded by love. But I guess this is one thing that makes me me. And I still thank you that you didn't agree to my stupid request wanting us to get back together. Thank you for being sober and keeping your words, not letting me get into another toxic relationship. It hurts so much now, missing you like this, having to let you go, but I'm determined I need to be a stronger version of myself and not getting self harm like last time. Not because of you. Because I love you and I want to become a better me for this love that grows in me. And in you. I'll show you I can. From this moment on, I'll only show the world that I'm fine. Let only Allah know what I and my heart are actually hiding from the world.... how I'm struggling inside. I miss you. Miss you.
0 comments:
Post a Comment