Making Peace with Loneliness....

Mungkinkah berdamai dengan rasa kesepian?
Mungkinkah bahagia dalam kesendirian?

Sejak hidupku mulai berwarna lagi karena masuknya orang baru ke dalam hati ini dengan tanpa disadari, aku baru sadar sekarang betapa aku merasa hampa tanpa cinta. Cih, bacanya gimana gitu ya. Hahaha. Tapi sungguhan, lho, ini. I mean I'm always aware that I need a man, tapi baru ngeh kalau kehadiran cinta bisa bikin hidup berwarna banget, ya. Saking udah lamanya hidupku ngga berwarna kali, ya? Empat-lima tahun terakhir being in a toxic relationship, I don't even know how beautiful and colorful one's life could be begitu hadir cinta.

Now it gradually feels like what I experienced for a while, last two months, was merely just a dream. He came, he made me feel so loved, and now he left. I can never blame anyone, and I can never hate. I still have feelings for him, am not sure until when, but am sure that is love. I'll just go with the flow.

Every morning waking up in my bed, every day, literally every day, the first feeling that I get is... loneliness. Each and every single day, literally, since the breakup, up to today. Whenever I open my eyes, at like 3 or 4 am, I feel so stuffy, like there's a void in my heart I know can be filled only by his presence, but there's no way I can get back to how things were. Like the feeling when you miss someone so bad, but you completely aware that... you just can't do nothing about it. Maybe it'd be a better feeling if that someone you miss had gone to another dimension, but no, he's still here, but he's just unreachable. That is the worst feeling. Seseorang yang selalu mengingatkan ke kamu bahwa nggak ada jarak di antara kalian, sekarang telah kembali asing, dengan jarak sedemikian besar dan kentara yang dibuatnya. Perih.

You have to force yourself to move on, even when each of his word is still echoing in your head. Each of them. They remain so deep in your heart. Yet you have to force yourself to forget them. When your heart's still holding on to them.

It's another trial.... another pain. So what can I do? I take wudhu, and cry my heart out on my praying mat. God hears. He knows what's inside your heart. Tears are prayers too when you're too painful you could barely say nothing out of your mouth. He knows how you're struggling. He is merciful. He'll calm my heart a bit and I'll build this positivism in me. Then I'll fall again whenever I miss him too bad, and I will again take wudhu and pray to Him....

It's another trial.... another pain. So what can I do? I get myself busy in the kitchen. I put my attention to all the baking things... Kneading dough, thinking about what missing stuffs can be substituted by what other stuffs I have. Waiting for how the bake will turn out, will it be a success or a failure. Hahaha. Then upload it, be it a success or a failure, then friends will comment, and I'll get busy replying to them. Baking is fun. Not as fun as when I was spending time with him, but that's the best I can get now.

No one will ever know, not even him, and perhaps if he knew, mungkin dia malah bakalan ill feel to know I am still weak and just pretending to be strong. But I am being real. I still miss him everyday. Should've guarded my heart and protected it I know, it's all my bad things go like this. I am sorry, my fragile heart, to let you feel another pain, but please can you be stronger? I know we can go through this, okay? :)