Things You Missed... (5)

I miss you. I miss you. I do.
Every single time. Every moment in my life.

I can't stop grieving just because you believe it's time for me to move on.
I can't stop hurting just because you don't understand the piercing pain in my heart.
I can't stop my tears from flowing just because they make you uncomfortable.
My heart is not suddenly mended just because you believe that I've grieved long enough.
(John Pete)

I hope you are really doing just fine, just like what you show me.
I hope you are really handling it alright, as you said to me.
I hope it's just another breakup for you, just like you said.
I hope you see me getting stronger each day and doing okay, just like you wish.
Just like what I try to make you think by showing you only positive stuffs on my soc med.

Honestly I am not that strong.
Honestly I am not that positive.
Honestly I'm still longing for you.

Reading our old conversations had been my new routine, I did it before I went to sleep after a long chat with you that very day. It was the best bed time story I ever read.

Just so you know, I normally wouldn't go on airplane mode even when I go to sleep at night. But since we were close, and we would talk everyday, I would turn the mode on because I was reading all our convo before sleep, to avoid me from accidentally tapping something in the middle of the reading that could automatically notify you what I was doing, I always put it on airplane mode. And I would read and read until my eyes felt heavy... That was how I always got good sleep during our time together.

Replaying your voice messages, was another routine I had since we shared voice messages. They were my lullabies. Your voice had always been my favorite, so how could I not listen to them when it's your favorite voice saying the three most touching words?

I miss you calling me at night in my bed before I went to sleep, and when you're just awake also in your bed.

I miss us having nothing to say but still going on with all the chats and the short call.

I miss getting mad at you, I miss being comforted by you, I miss showing you I care, I miss saying I miss you, I love you more than you can imagine. I never play with my heart.... I may have let you go but this heart still couldn't give up on you. I am fully aware that I am only letting it get hurt much more seriously in the future, silently holding on to you like this, but I can't help it. When I said maybe I was destined to get hurt, I meant it. Then what's the point on asking for a separation? So that I could keep this love in a way that God may forgive, hoping it would keep its purity.
  
Reading our old conversations is still my routine. Replaying your voice messages, as well as seeing our videos and pictures, are still pretty much what I do when I just can't bear the feeling of missing you. If you happened to find this confession, you'd either find me weak thus could annoy you, or you'd find it creepy. I don't care. I don't know how one could survive a heartbreak that easily if they really love someone genuinely. I can't ever comprehend....

It's raining so hard right now. My tears have stopped flowing just to flow again in silence... Even later when it can stop, please don't tell me to erase your existence in my deepest heart. It's something I can't even pretend I can do.