The Sky is Crying....

So hard. It's pouring down outside.
And so I am...

My writings should stop by the previous post I wrote last night. That was when I thought I had been stronger and managed to accept the reality. But for today.. just for today I'm allowing myself to show this pathetic side of mine once again.. to anyone who is reading this. I believe no one is, though. Lol.

I kept doing everything to distract my mind from that bitter reality, but all the images kept surfacing. I became weak again, and my heart ached again. So hurtful. Whenever I tell myself that I must be strong, that I need to let all go. I felt strong for a second and for the next moment, I felt so weak. I wanted to run to my God but I haven't got enough strength to do it...

I am only a weak woman full of scars, created by the memories of that figure.. plus the images of the bitter reality of him with his new loved one. The one that right now has been so far away from me, and has become a complete stranger to me. That figure that used to fill my world, and vice versa.

That someone I used to know too well. He's erased me completely and I'm still here.. alone and crying. Well not completely alone.. the sky is crying with me outside.

In his memories, I'm just no one. Even if there's a trace of me, it's an image of that ugly girl who is super annoying and selfish. Let me repeat, SELFISH.

Yes I am.. I look like I only think of myself, when I actually kept checking if he was okay even when we're not together anymore.

I always wished him to start a happy life with a new girl, but I never knew it would hurt me this much. I'm sorry you had been unhappy being with the selfish me before. If his term of selfish defines as "you can't see me also suffering here", well yes then I am a selfish one, since all I can see is him enjoying every moment with his new one now, in all ways I could hardly believe it is him. I know he did suffer, I suffered too, but in an instant, he's appeared as someone I don't know, and maybe it's just my problem here because I might get jealous. Not his fault, it's just me being sensitive. But hey.. if you're a woman, I never want you to put yourself in my shoes! Now you think I'm being over, but if you really are on my shoes, you'll know this is really just too much unbearable so better never do.

Now I'm left to him as merely an annoyance... a disturbance. Not the one he's cherished. This fact alone, is like adding more salt into my open wound that hasn't even begun to heal..  I won't complain, though. Even if he remains a good guy in my mind in spite of all these wounds he gave. It's not his fault, I repeat. It's my fault for being a weak girl.

This pain.. is really heavy to bear. It hurts more than the lines I've created on my arm. One.. two.. five red lines by now. At least having them here on my arm could create a different pain so it may reduce the pain my heart's feeling, just a little bit. That's what I'm feeling now.

I swear to God, this is extremely painful. EXTREMELY PAINFUL.

Even though I have no idea when it will heal, I always believe that day will eventually come. The day when I get healed. I hope it will be sooner than expected.


SH