Far, since I couldn't fall asleep up to this morning and this time when I'm typing this.
Close, since the shock from yesterday still leaves a hint here and there in my heart. My tears that was bursting uncontrollably could stop for a while, then it comes out again. Oh, could I be even more pathetic than I am now?
Why does this feel so very hard. All of this that happens now is due to my own choice. My scars that I have now are all due to my own choice at the very beginning. Still, I kept giving out a hint to him when I was "tidying up" my computer from his trails of existence in my world. You know by doing this, you just keep creating more wounds to you who are already having full of them. But you just keep doing this just for the injustice feeling inside you. You actually know it too well that he has been through much hardship as well, but you just want to keep doing that just to... what? Share your pain? How cruel you are, Sarah.
I believe it takes time, doesn't it. My pains now are nothing compared to those who.. let's say, have lost their family members in all sudden. The only saddest thing about farewell is.. knowing you can never meet or having them around you anymore. I should be ready anytime for God puts someone in your life for a certain period of time and He will take them again, at anytime. Easily said, huh?
What makes it super hard by the time being is.. to find how long will it take for me to believe that God has better and more beautiful arrangement for me. My negative side keeps telling me to see things negatively and tries to fear me in all ways possible about how you won't find anyone better to replace him. My good friend shared her bitter experiences being left in all sudden by her beloved late father without being given a second to be with him at his last moments, and it took her 3 months that felt like forever to finally find life again. My other friends have had the grieves of losing people they love. My pains sound like nothing.. though for the time being it feels shitty as hell.
It's really over, Sarah. You choose your family.. and your God.. over him and he does too. He goes well with the scenario while you are not. You are mad at this. Come on come to your sense, will you. The image of that box of chocolate with a romantic card on it plus the sweet caption you found by accident the other day, that keeps being seen each time you close your eyes, will eventually fade away, and so your sorrow will as well fade away... slowly.. by that time, you may eventually believe God has another better plan for you.
It's already over, Sarah. It is, this time. Go on with your life, don't bother with the curiosity of what kind of another sweet thing he's doing to his new girl, the things that once melt your heart. It's nothing to do with you anymore. Be happy for him for he's tried to make you happy too for once in your life. No more reminisce let alone tears! Years of teary nights and days have come to the end, now. It's already over.
My bed room, blurry eyes.
SH
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