It Really Has Ended

What is one of my many many many weaknesses?

I tend to love someone too deeply.

And when it's not going as what you want it to be, it will leave a deep deep scar deep within you. Your heart. None is gonna be able to see it, but you know you will never be the same person anymore. A half of you is gone, and you are now lost. 

I am sorry but this ain't any important story, well none of my life stories is important for most people anyway. But still, it's my own story. And my life is made of a compilation of stories. For the time being, it's a sad ending romance, it's a rotten slice of life, it's an episode I just want to skip and if there comes a genie asking for my only wish.. just.. could I turn back the time? To 2011? When everything was about to take scenes.. If only I had known before.

I tend to love someone too deeply. But I can't seem to be capable of finding a way to hate someone too harshly. Why is it? 

I tend to be the one who is left broken in pieces, why? Simply cause I'm a woman.

My first love of high school era has now married to a younger girl and I still can recall it as clearly as a crystal ball, sweet things he said to me when he was so in love with me. We broke up without even having the chance to be in a declared love relationship since we both held our idealism too much. We believed there should be no love relationship before marriage. Oh what a fool, now that I think of it. He was a very nice person. I never fall for a bad guy. 

Two days before his marriage, I was struggling to end a no-future-romance with the new guy I was in love with--yes, it's the guy who right now makes me want to end my life kill myself. So it was all by instinct that I texted him, the first love, after years of no communication between us, to simply ask him out of the blue, "how did we manage to end all at that time?". Since I was struggling so much. And I can't remember what he answered, but to my surprise, the news of him getting married was not long after the texting. And so I didn't come to his wedding reception. Why? Because I'm a woman he used to say sweet things to, so deep that it still leaves a mark deep in the very bottom of my heart, YET he didn't invite me personally. LOL what a childish reason. Anyways, first love never succeeds, you heard of it? But it lies deep. You know this saying, don't you?

But what can I say. This time is a whole whole lot different story. This is the guy I know I'm never gonna end up together with. We are too different. But I was hooked by him, despite the fact he was far from my ideal type, but perhaps he is, just I didn't realize it. He MADE the first move that no one ever knows, not to today, and I was kinda hypnotized since then. How many years has it been now? Despite all the differences and all the hopeless fact before my eyes, I finally invited him to meet my parents and it was not to my surprise that we still can't make it. God, why do You create love and why can it grow despite the difference also You create, just why? Can I not blame You, in this state?

And today.. After.. how many years again? The repeating break ups, the never ending hopes I silently grew inside my heart, the sweet things he's done (my bad, I can only recall the sweet things he's done since he is a good guy and yes I can still judge him good even when I'm left wounded like this now).. God have You planned long ago to make today the final end of everything? You showed me last night that all the sweet things he's done to me, now he's been doing it to another girl? Another girl and not me? Younger and prettier at that? Oh I hate this, I can't be fine with this as he said it with his own mouth that he needed 2-3 years to forget me and to get another girl yet he IS with another girl now only within a month after the last time he texted me. You can never trust any guy can't you??? 

I hate that I can't do nothing about this yet I am so hurt inside I wanna slit my wrist. I WANNA slit my wrist. I do, but I am too afraid of being physically painful! Good point otherwise none can no longer see me since periods ago! Nights I was longing for him but had to force myself to JUST bear it. Days I could see him and all the memories we'd spent together just by shutting my eyes down.

Hei.. I should've congratulated him sincerely since ONLY that way can I really do what everyone has been telling me to: move on. I should've thanked him for showing me the way to open my heart to a new person. Something I have always failed at, as I would always find my heart question if he's alright, if he's been eating well, if he's got enough sleep, if he's been hanging out with friends, and if he's opened his heart to a new girl. Each time when I was about to meet a new person. My worries and all these that were questioned by my heart, was all that I myself HAD requested to him to do by the time he was rejected by my parents. Please have a good life, please forget me, please be happy, please eat well and so on and so on. Now that I know he's been doing these well enough (too well actually to the point he HAS got a new girl!) I was mad at him. You can never damn trust ANY guy can't you??? And what the fucking hell do I wish for??? I can't blame him instead I need to be grateful but how am I not left wounded and in pain when I have given my all to him and when he WAS the one who begged me over and over to not end everything between us. 

This time is different. He ain't barely my first love. He was someone I hoped to be the last. We created too many memories already and we failed at last. And he moved on first. What can be worse? What can leave more pains for me? Why do I have to be the one at loss? Why? Because I'm a woman. 

. . .

You know, Sarah. You will never be the same anymore. How will you deal with your heart and with the constant feeling of wanting to blame your God? And your parents? You wanna blame them for being a part of this hell you're going through but not even a minute that you do not want to make them happy. How will you make them happy when you are sooo dying inside? You know time will heal, but when? When your mama is nagging at you like everyday, demanding you to quickly find a man to marry, warning you with "hey watch over your age, you are almost a left over already, be realistic" and blah blah blah. You know I'm wounded, Mum. You know it's not that I'm not trying. I am really painful please can you help heal this quick... I am dying....

I am so pessimistic to find a new love and not end up getting hurt again, as I am not in any drama right now. It's my real life. The director is the God, and I can't even ask Him like He'd directly answer to my only question: how far is happiness away from me? And the more exact questions like: how will I meet my other half? When? Where? Will I be meeting him here or in the afterlife? Will I be able to bear it if You actually destined us to meet in the afterlife?

Why is it that I can't no longer feel Your love towards me? I've been trying to be a good girl my WHOLE life and I only want a happy ending love but why have You given me all these scars? Can I continue putting my trust in You and not blame You? Will You stop already torturing my inner heart?

Will these tears I've been shedding enormously at least be able to let You touched and so give me the sweetest gift I have always prayed for......  

Depok, February 17, 2017

Counting to the day I can finally see the world with its beautiful colors again