My Common Sense

Even if I jumped off into a river,

Nothing would change. My destiny wouldn't change. I'd end up dying and get punished in the afterlife.

Even if I refused to eat,

Nothing would change. I'd still be a pig no matter what. I could never transform into a barbie whatsoever. And when it comes to love, physical appearance of course does matter, but it's not like something that guarantees the love will grow stronger and last forever.

Even if... I cut my arm...

Nothing would change. My pain is still here, my wound is still unhealed. You can only see the additional scars.. physically. But truthfully, scratching arm isn't as frightening anymore now. All I could do now is to calm down myself whenever I faced another shocking fact. If everything fails, though, it's okay for you to create more scars there on your arm. It's your body anyways.

Even if... I kept tormenting myself..

Nothing would change. He would never know. No one is reading this. Even if he is reading this, you'd only show him how weak you are. How sick you are. You're a nut. You've gone insane. And you know what? It'd only make him thankful that he'd left you this instant.

So I've started eating breakfast today.. I ate my lunch,. I kept doing everything that could get my mind erase him.. even if it only lasted for a while. And he's never really gone. And the pain came again. Repeatedly.

So I've stopped making red lines on my arm... I've promised them I won't. My friend even came to accompany me last night and wouldn't go home even when I was sending her off. Lol. Thank you, A.

But honestly, I can't really guarantee I won't create the sixth line, though. Sometimes my heart just can't bear it, too painful like it's gonna explode an anger and devastation and all.. Even I myself worry what I might end up doing if it happens later when I'm in China.. alone... in that big room...

So....

I'ma stop writing soon. No access to blogspot when in China, you know. I'm leaving this country with a deep scar, and the thought of being all alone over there, honestly gets me a little... uneasy. But anyways, I can feel that I'm getting a little stronger now. I believe I'm strong!

*then crying again in the corner lol*

SH