Things You Missed... (7)

Baby kid,
I am sorry that I'm being weak again. But actually I've gained more strength enough!
I'll really try harder to make this the last chapter of Things You Missed.

You know I always talk a lot. Every day, literally every day that has gone by since our breakup, I always had something (a lot of things sometimes hehe) I really wanted to tell you.

Like what's going on in the office today... Or silly thing that happened to me the other day... Maybe merely just my curiosity about what's happening in the other side of the world... We were talking about Halloween, if you still remember. You promised me you'd show me pictures of how it's going in the office with all the Halloween vibes, at the end of October. Hey I found pumpkins in my kitchen, out of other root vegetables... eh is pumpkin even a kind of root veggie? Well out of other usual fruits that my dad brings back from our farm, it is so unusual to see pumpkins! And I saw two of them in the kitchen yesterday. What a timing...

You know, I still read our old conversations whenever the void in my heart is aching too much. Then I will cry (who would want such a vulnerable girl like me, I wonder). No... not crying to sleep, you know I can't make good friends with sleep. Last night, after days of peaceful sleeps (but still not enough hours, only 4-5 hrs each night huhuhu please don't be aging too quickly, my skin!), I had insomnia again :( I was awake the entire night, so again I took wudhu and on the prayer mat, I poured my heart out to Allah. I was crying.. and crying.... in the darkness of my room. Thanks to you getting up at 3-4 to pray is becoming like a habit now for me...

To you, I am only an insignificant part of a small chapter, but to me, you are like all chapters. Umm... not really all chapters but like making up the most meaningful chapters. That explains why I'm still having it hard even after 3 weeks went by. I am this fragile and I'm glad you seem not to notice it....

This week I'm invited to come over to my friend's to cook together Korean foods. I had already been thinking about what to bake this weekend, though. Maybe I'll just make a simple baking on the other day of the weekend when I'm home. And while I was awake last night, you know I think of things randomly right, one of them was... I wanted to go hiking. I still want to go hiking. I wanted to be surrounded by a nice beautiful soothing view, getting blended with nature. But we don't have many options here in Depok. No mountains nearby. So I was thinking to go to Kawah Putih in Bandung... how nice would it be if I could make it on my birthday! But then I remembered... the night before my birthday... I am invited to a friend's wedding and I've promised I'd go. Well perhaps this birthday trip plan is not blessed by the God, it also happens that my best friend who resides in Bandung will have to go to Jakarta on my birthday.

What's all this talk about birthday trip -___-
As if I'd get thaaat excited welcoming my new age? Blah. Another pressure is yet to come.... be prepared, Sarah. Hahaha.      

UntukMu, Tuhan....

Tuhan, aku sakit.
I'm so lost.
Aku berusaha kembali... perlahan,,, tertatih... tapi kadang nyeri itu muncul dan aku jatuh lagi.

Tuhan, sembuhkan aku.
I am in so much pain.
Aku berusaha sibukkan diri dengan segala hal, aku berusaha optimis, membangun sikap positif setiap saat, tapi lubang di hati ini begitu dalam...

Tuhan, air mataku jatuh lagi.
They keep falling down my cheeks.
Ketika aku merasa kuat tapi sejurus kemudian mendadak aku melemah lagi.

Tuhan, aku berhak bahagia, kan?
Tapi aku juga mau menebus dosa.
Saat dosa-dosaku sudah berkurang, beri aku bahagia, Tuhan.

Tuhan, terima kasih.
Atas semua keajaiban dalam hidupku yang satu per satu Kau tampakkan.
Satu per satu Kau berikan.

Terima kasih juga, Tuhan.
Atas segala sakit yang kurasakan.
Kau Maha pemberi rahmat, dan kasih sayangMu melebihi murkaMu.
Sayangi aku, Tuhan.
Ampuni aku untuk segala lintasan prasangka buruk yang pernah muncul untukMu,
di saat hilang harapku, atas segala sakit batinku selama ini.

Tuhan, berilah aku bahagia.
Bisakah bahagia dariMu sesuai dengan anganku?
Mungkinkah Kau beri aku keajaiban lagi?
Atas harapan-harapan dalam hati ini, yang masih berusaha kusirami, yang dengannyalah aku mampu jalani hari-hari.

Tuhan, andai umurku di dunia masih panjang.
Sanggupkan aku jalani hidup ini dengan bahagia tanpa mengundang amarahMu.
Atas apapun ketetapanMu untukku.
Seberapa sakitpun aku menjalani takdirMu. Berikan kelapangan di hatiku, keikhlasan.

Tapi, Tuhan. Andai hidupku tidak lama lagi,
Matikan aku dalam takwa dan berilah aku bahagia kekal di sana.

Hanya Kau satu-satunya Tuhan yang penuh kuasa.
Aku berserah atas garis hidupku, padaMu saja.

Buat aku merasakan kasih sayangMu, Tuhan. Padaku yang pernah menjauh ini.
Agar aku pun bisa mencintaiMu dengan tanpa tanding di dunia.

Aku masih belajar, Tuhan. Aku mulai dari nol lagi. Sayangi aku, Tuhan. Aku butuh itu.

Making Peace with Loneliness....

Mungkinkah berdamai dengan rasa kesepian?
Mungkinkah bahagia dalam kesendirian?

Sejak hidupku mulai berwarna lagi karena masuknya orang baru ke dalam hati ini dengan tanpa disadari, aku baru sadar sekarang betapa aku merasa hampa tanpa cinta. Cih, bacanya gimana gitu ya. Hahaha. Tapi sungguhan, lho, ini. I mean I'm always aware that I need a man, tapi baru ngeh kalau kehadiran cinta bisa bikin hidup berwarna banget, ya. Saking udah lamanya hidupku ngga berwarna kali, ya? Empat-lima tahun terakhir being in a toxic relationship, I don't even know how beautiful and colorful one's life could be begitu hadir cinta.

Now it gradually feels like what I experienced for a while, last two months, was merely just a dream. He came, he made me feel so loved, and now he left. I can never blame anyone, and I can never hate. I still have feelings for him, am not sure until when, but am sure that is love. I'll just go with the flow.

Every morning waking up in my bed, every day, literally every day, the first feeling that I get is... loneliness. Each and every single day, literally, since the breakup, up to today. Whenever I open my eyes, at like 3 or 4 am, I feel so stuffy, like there's a void in my heart I know can be filled only by his presence, but there's no way I can get back to how things were. Like the feeling when you miss someone so bad, but you completely aware that... you just can't do nothing about it. Maybe it'd be a better feeling if that someone you miss had gone to another dimension, but no, he's still here, but he's just unreachable. That is the worst feeling. Seseorang yang selalu mengingatkan ke kamu bahwa nggak ada jarak di antara kalian, sekarang telah kembali asing, dengan jarak sedemikian besar dan kentara yang dibuatnya. Perih.

You have to force yourself to move on, even when each of his word is still echoing in your head. Each of them. They remain so deep in your heart. Yet you have to force yourself to forget them. When your heart's still holding on to them.

It's another trial.... another pain. So what can I do? I take wudhu, and cry my heart out on my praying mat. God hears. He knows what's inside your heart. Tears are prayers too when you're too painful you could barely say nothing out of your mouth. He knows how you're struggling. He is merciful. He'll calm my heart a bit and I'll build this positivism in me. Then I'll fall again whenever I miss him too bad, and I will again take wudhu and pray to Him....

It's another trial.... another pain. So what can I do? I get myself busy in the kitchen. I put my attention to all the baking things... Kneading dough, thinking about what missing stuffs can be substituted by what other stuffs I have. Waiting for how the bake will turn out, will it be a success or a failure. Hahaha. Then upload it, be it a success or a failure, then friends will comment, and I'll get busy replying to them. Baking is fun. Not as fun as when I was spending time with him, but that's the best I can get now.

No one will ever know, not even him, and perhaps if he knew, mungkin dia malah bakalan ill feel to know I am still weak and just pretending to be strong. But I am being real. I still miss him everyday. Should've guarded my heart and protected it I know, it's all my bad things go like this. I am sorry, my fragile heart, to let you feel another pain, but please can you be stronger? I know we can go through this, okay? :)

Because Life Does Go On

Aku rasa, sejak Jumat lalu aku mulai hidup lagi.
"Naik gunung, yuk", ujarku random seperti biasa, di salah satu group pertemanan di Whatsapp.
"Kalau lagi galau, jangan ah.", seorang teman menanggapi.
Akhirnya mereka yang simpati padaku yang lagi-lagi sedang terpuruk ini, "memaksa" nonton Pengabdi Setan saja. Dan sejak malam itu, aku makin memaksa diriku untuk bahagia. Karena aku sadar, life goes on. Kamu gloomy terus, sementara yang di sana santai saja, mungkin juga sudah mulai lirik-lirik wanita lagi. Kamu kok bodoh? Hehe.

Sejujurnya di saat-saat terpuruk, aku selalu mendambakan kematian. Seketika aku nggak takut sama maut. Aku ingin Allah sudahi saja hidupku, karena aku benar-benar sulit mengontrol kapan aku tiba-tiba merasa helpless, merasa menderita sendiri, merasa hopeless, merasa tidak ada hal baik lagi yang akan menghampiriku. Hati ini... seperti ada bagian yang benar-benar kosong, hampa, minta diisi. Kalau sudah begini, aku cuma bisa nangis. Dulu aku salah-salahin Allah, tapi sekarang aku pelan-pelan lebih memilih untuk berwudhu, gelar sajadah, dua rakaat dan berdoa. Kalau bukan ke Allah, aku pasti akan jatuh lebih dalam lagi. Padahal niatan awalku menyudahi dengan dia, karena aku nggak mau jatuh lebih dalam.

Jadi saat aku ngajak naik gunung... Itu memang ada bersitan pikiran nggak apa apa kalau terjadi sesuatu nanti di sana. Tapi untungnya teman-teman masih meluruskan niatanku yang agak belok itu.

Sekarang aku sudah jalani hidup dengan normal lagi. Aku sudah nggak nangis sering-sering, walaupun sering perasaan hampa dan kangen yang nggak tergambarkan itu lagi-lagi datang menguji. Aku rasa itu manusiawi, ya. Seiring waktu, aku pasti bisa lebih kuat lagi.

Life goes on, kata mereka. Juga kata dia, waktu berusaha menguatkanku saat kita sepakat menyudahi. Ya, sayangnya. Despite your lifeless soul, life still goes on. Jadi kamu harus paksa diri kamu untuk kuat menjalani itu. Sampai berhenti. Bisa 10 tahun lagi, bisa tahun depan, bisa 30 tahun lagi, bisa minggu depan. Selama waktu kamu masih ada untuk terus di dunia ini, kecemasan-kecemasan tentang masa depan pasti ada. Manusiawi. Tapi sejauh mana kecemasan itu mempengaruhi emosi kamu...

Aku cemas nggak bisa jatuh cinta lagi karena aku tahu kira-kira tipe seperti apa yang bisa bikin aku jatuh cinta. Dan kalau bukan karena keajaiban skenario Allah, sungguh aku pesimis akan bisa bertemu orang macam itu. Aku cemas nggak akan menikah karena itu, padahal aku selalu mendambakan anak dari rahimku. Aku butuh kasih sayang juga. Aku manusia normal, lho. Dan aku berpacu dengan usia. Kecuali aku ditakdirkan nggak lama lagi untuk ada di dunia ini... itu lain cerita. Tapi andai waktuku masih panjang dan aku harus jalani dengan kesendirian? Sanggupkah aku? Menua seorang diri? Hiks... sedihnya parah banget sih mikir kayak gini. Pikiran-pikiran macam ini yang selalu sukses bikin aku nelangsa....

Kenapa yah lelaki diciptakan sedemikian mudahnya berpaling. Kenapa mereka bisa mudah ungkapkan cinta kalau ternyata nggak mau memperjuangkan dengan kesungguhan. Kenapa atuh, kenapa. Kenapa mereka nggak pernah sadar, apapun kata yang terucap dari bibir mereka, itu akan terus membekas di ingatan si perempuan. Aku teh jadi rada trauma sama pria. Manis di bibir, mengungkap kata.... eh jadi Sunda gini, dan jadi nyanyi lagu jadul, haha.

My Weight Fluctuation Over the Years!

Took this pic of my body perhaps Oct 19. Since people had been commenting on how I looked even skinnier (plus they said I looked pretty unhealthy...) I tried to weigh myself and the number shown... was not surprising. I did lose a little but it was not my lightest weight so yeah...

I am 159 tall (sometimes they measured it 160) and my lightest weight was 50 kg, a few months ago. On this pic, I was 51. My heaviest was 68 when I was at university, I remember it was some time after I got discharged from the hospital. Only like a 3 or 2 day hospital stay from the shock and some wounds I got from a motorbike accident with my sister. I think it was back in 2009 or 2010, on Batik Day 2nd of Oct.

As soon as I figured out that I had hit my heaviest, at 68, I panicked and the thought of seeing a doctor (of nutrition) just kept popping out in my head. Until I really did go to see one and shared the experience here. But it didn't help me lose a kg because I disliked the doctor and was not ready for some diet. Haha.

Anyway, I'm a big boned and have always been big since I was little. I never had enough knowledge in dieting, and always have very good appetite. So basically I never dream of having a body like any of Korean girl bands' members but I do always feel uncomfortable with my own body ever since I was at elementary. But I always pretended like I was fine with being fat, so I kept eating a lot... of unhealthy foods. When puberty hit around middle school, I was like... lost. I became more uncomfortable and was never confident with my body, I remember I weighed 63 kg when I was only 153 cm tall. That time don't say soc med, to access internet I needed to go to internet cafe and instead of googling how to lose weight in a healthy way, all I did was chatting on mIRC hahaha. I ended up "stealing" some slimming pills, since my dad ran a drugstore.

But that was all in the past. I'm now determined to maintain this weight... the healthiest way I could. I still love food as much though.. the nasty ones haha. Sometimes (a lot of times sadly!) I still binge, especially on those hormonal days. But I will keep trying to get back to the track. Now I'm still not being completely myself, I'm still having ups and downs, I guess it affects my appetite somehow. Binge eating yesterday, losing appetite today. Laughing for an hour, deeply saddened the next hours. Yesterday I even woke up feeling unwell, like my head was spinning, and I felt like vomiting. It was not the first time actually, had it around two times before it was so bad I even took leave from work. Wondering why but don't think it's serious... perhaps my messed up eating habit lately. Oh and I haven't worked out much these two weeks. Like having no energy... all I wanted was simply lying in bed or singing on Smule. Ah I miss my old self.... Even though today I'm again at my down phase, I am so hoping I can get a grip on myself, soon. Gosh....      

Allah...

Would you please end my life now.

If You took me now, would you grant me happiness in the afterlife?

call me a fool but I still do think of you every breath I take

The Unwanted Feeling

Almost two weeks.
There's not a day went by that I didn't think of you.
I still love you as much, I still miss you as much.

"I still love you. But it's time to move on", you said. You've turned cold.
"I can love hard but I can drop it if I have to", echoing in my head.

I wish I had that kind of ability.

"I'll be honest. How you handled this has made it easier for me to move on from you."

Then it's never really love, what you felt for me....
When I said to you it could be some other feelings mistaken for love... Maybe it's true.

But you made me feel so loved. Even if it only lasted for a short time only.
Now you're drawing the line and building the wall, this is what hurts me the most.
I feel like I've went from being loved to loathed. And such feeling... is the worst, the most painful.

I know you're doing the right thing, and the right thing isn't always pleasant to receive.
I know maybe I should really consider to leave, but finding another job and starting all over from zero, with my heart still only has you. It would be more painful to do. I'm always realistic anyway.

In the end, I can only trust in Allah's plans. I'm afraid I really have to force myself to grow old alone, and this thought scares me all the times.... May I have the courage to face everything God has destined for me.

Retail Therapy

"When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping."

Aku tuh kemana aja ya, selama 27 tahun hidupku, baru kali ini sadar belanja itu bisa bikin sedikit happy. Dalam dua minggu terakhir ini aku udah beli mukena cantik, celana panjang tiga biji, oven, baju dua, dan sebelumnya sempat beli baju dua pcs juga. Dan belum ada niat berhenti.

Barang-barang itu nggak ada yang mahal sebenarnya, tapi kalau ditotal-total ya lumayan juga. Coba highlight di oven ya. Sudah beberapa bulan terakhir aku tuh maju mundur mau beli oven listrik atau microwave. Sudah menggali ilmu lewat Google seperti biasa. Sudah survey ke beberapa supermarket (di Depok aja sih) mungkin ada empat-lima tempat didatangi. Lah ujung-ujungnya tahu nggak aku beli apa? Otang.... Oven tangkring. Oven yang ditaruh di atas kompor, sebenarnya di rumah sudah ada, tapi yang besar dan jadul itu. Makan tempat, nggak praktis, panasnya juga nggak merata. Jadi malas sekali pakai kalau cuma untuk baking-baking simple.

Akhir-akhir ini aku juga menyadari bahwa bebikinan itu bisa perbaiki mood. Dan aku orangnya spontanitas. Makanya lihat tuh, bukan oven listrik boro-boro microwave, kok malah jadi otang-otang juga. Hahah. Otang kekinian sih, cantik kelihatannya. Dan dari dulu sebenarnya sudah naksir, tapi ya gitu, maju mundur. Sekarang? Hajar.... Nanti kalau cicilan-cicilan udah mulai bisa bikin napas lega baru mungkin ambil microwave, niatnya sih gitu.

Aku selalu suka nguprekin dapur, tapi putus cinta kali ini bikin aku sempat ragu untuk bebikinan. Karena aku orangnya mellow, memori tertentu seringkali membekas mengiringi kejadian yang menyakitkan. Agak traumatik. Kebetulan waktu aku minta putus terakhir itu pas banget siangnya habis bikin donat.... Jadi aku sempat agak menghindari yang berbau adonan beberapa hari awal. Tapi terus aku bertekad nggak boleh kayak gitu terus.... Kalau dia tahu dia bakal bilang: lemah . Jadi beberapa hari lalu aku udah sempat lagi ngadon. Dorayaki. Nah kali ini aku mau lebih fokus belajar baking, walaupun entah nanti siapa yang bakal makan hasil jadinya. Mungkin bagi ke teman-teman. Gampanglah itu.

Eh barusan ya aku transaksi lagi dong. Aku beli bahan-bahan makanan. Biar makin niat bakingnya nanti. Hehe. Aku belanja terus minggu ini tapi semua online. Aku masih belum berani ke Margo atau Dmall. Teman-teman ngajak nonton Pengabdi Setan, aku minta jangan di CGV, tapi terus aku berpikir, sampai kapan aku akan menghindar? Pun adikku yang minta dibelikan Krispy Kreme di Margo. Jadi mungkin minggu depan aku sudah akan beranikan diri keluar.... Dan Sabtu ini pun berniat mau ke toko bahan kue lagi ajak Rida. Walaupun itu bakal bikin aku sedih karena terakhir ke sana ada kenangannya... :'(

Sakitnya melepaskan orang yang disayang, nggak akan pernah 100% terobati sampai ada orang baru. Tapi kali ini aku benar-benar capek, Rasanya untuk waktu lama belum akan bisa berpaling hati, meskipun artinya itu menunda luka kedua kali. Yang jelas sekarang mending aku fokus baking atau melakukan hal-hal lain yang lebih bisa bikin happy lah.... Meskipun masih suka tiba-tiba lemah. Tiba-tiba nelangsa, nangis, siang apalagi malam. Oh ya Tuhan, jiwa melankolisku ini :'(   

and tell me when the day will come--when letting you escape my heart is possible. 

and tell me how I should heal.

it's always aching from missing you and it feels too real.

Things You Missed... (6)

Thank you for asking me how I've been doing. If only you knew how a single hi from you could get me to go through the day stronger. I was hungry since the morning but I didn't feel like eating, but as soon as you texted me... I have grabbed biscuits, chocolates, and nuts in my drawer and now am re-energized. Lol.

Thank you for asking me how I've been doing. Strangely your text came in just after I texted my bro and my uncle over there... What a timing. Answering you, I wanted to tell you how I've gotten weak again these days so I did tell you... in a lighter way.

I'm glad you're doing good, but I don't know why I feel like you've been missing me all this time we've parted....

Today it just happened that I'm wearing the same hijab and outer parka as that last day when we had steak for dinner with the others. It brings back the memory of our chat in the night when you're departing. When both of us couldn't seem to control the feelings that started to grow inside.

Yesterday I was wearing red hijab, also happened to be the exact same hijab I wore when we had secret dinner, the night when you later told me those magical words. The night everything started for real. The night where the pic of which later became your phone's wallpaper was created... sadly it's replaced now. I still frequently look at those pictures tbh, those are my most cherished ones after all.

You know among all people I know who have commented on how I look skinnier lately (not after our parting, but since that traumatic event I got from the ex), my big sister has always been the only one who never said anything about it. But this morning, when I was all gloomy and about to leave for work, when I was wearing my parka, she just suddenly said, "Have you lost more weight? Even skinnier now..." so I just shook my head a little and replied her, "I'm not sure, I don't feel much difference...". And I was telling the truth because... I still eat quite a lot recently. I only stopped eating the first day after the breakup. But now I came to think... could it be the pressure inside that's been taking up my energy? The tremendous sadness. Because I didn't even walk on treadmill since our breakup but I did lose several pounds when I still ate pretty well.

Whatever the reason is, whether it's my inner sadness or my lack of sleep, or anything else, I am still happy that I can find my pattern now. I used to not be able to drop a pound no matter sadness state I was in. But since this year, it gradually becomes my pattern on losing weight. Tremendous sadness that's eating up your energy. On Friday, my father #1 at office also finally commented that I did look thinner. So I said, yes, because I'm wearing batik. You can't see any transformation in the stripped uniforms because they are always bigger than my actual body size. But now it's batik, and black, on top of that. Hehe.

Last few days when I didn't go out for lunch with the other staff, one of my best friends here told me that while they were eating out, two other staff asked why I'd been so quiet these recent days. I didn't realize it but since she told me that... Well, I admit I wasn't talking much with the others this past week. And also I've been putting some self-encouragement posts on my Whatsapp status where most of people at office could see and perhaps then noticed the changing of my behavior. So when they asked, it showed they care, but also surely try to digging more on what happened to me. Yesterday on my way to the parking area, one staff also said that she was kind of feeling I'd become too quiet and that she didn't like it and that she missed my old self, the cheerful, talkative one. And I just smiled and asked her to pray for me.

I don't know... I am strong one day and then get weak again the next two days. It's always ups and downs. Taking one step forward, but then unexpectedly the pain attacks and I take two steps backward. It's becoming a pattern....

You shouldn't have shown up... If you're just gonna leave me in the end. You shouldn't have made me feel so loved... If my love isn't strong enough to touch your heart. You shouldn't have listened to my stories... If you're gonna end up disliking me for having the scars. 

You shouldn't have told me that your love was that big. I always turn out to be the one who loves too deep. 

I shouldn't put any blame on you... For I let you into my heart without asking for your permission.

Please don't tell me to be strong when all my heart is given to you and now you're just... 

Gone.

Tears are flowing... I can't stop sobbing helplessly. God I miss him. I miss him too much. Why do I have so sensitive heart like this.... I miss him... I want him. I can wait forever, I just want him. I don't care about his social status, who he is. I don't care about his past, I don't care about me having to wear flat shoes or how I look like an ajumma next to him, I don't care that he's younger. I only need him right now to show up for me. But I can't ignore the fact he won't accept You.... Thus we can't be together. What should I do... God. Beg your mercy... Tell him I am dying missing him in every moment. :'(((((

Things You Missed... (5)

I miss you. I miss you. I do.
Every single time. Every moment in my life.

I can't stop grieving just because you believe it's time for me to move on.
I can't stop hurting just because you don't understand the piercing pain in my heart.
I can't stop my tears from flowing just because they make you uncomfortable.
My heart is not suddenly mended just because you believe that I've grieved long enough.
(John Pete)

I hope you are really doing just fine, just like what you show me.
I hope you are really handling it alright, as you said to me.
I hope it's just another breakup for you, just like you said.
I hope you see me getting stronger each day and doing okay, just like you wish.
Just like what I try to make you think by showing you only positive stuffs on my soc med.

Honestly I am not that strong.
Honestly I am not that positive.
Honestly I'm still longing for you.

Reading our old conversations had been my new routine, I did it before I went to sleep after a long chat with you that very day. It was the best bed time story I ever read.

Just so you know, I normally wouldn't go on airplane mode even when I go to sleep at night. But since we were close, and we would talk everyday, I would turn the mode on because I was reading all our convo before sleep, to avoid me from accidentally tapping something in the middle of the reading that could automatically notify you what I was doing, I always put it on airplane mode. And I would read and read until my eyes felt heavy... That was how I always got good sleep during our time together.

Replaying your voice messages, was another routine I had since we shared voice messages. They were my lullabies. Your voice had always been my favorite, so how could I not listen to them when it's your favorite voice saying the three most touching words?

I miss you calling me at night in my bed before I went to sleep, and when you're just awake also in your bed.

I miss us having nothing to say but still going on with all the chats and the short call.

I miss getting mad at you, I miss being comforted by you, I miss showing you I care, I miss saying I miss you, I love you more than you can imagine. I never play with my heart.... I may have let you go but this heart still couldn't give up on you. I am fully aware that I am only letting it get hurt much more seriously in the future, silently holding on to you like this, but I can't help it. When I said maybe I was destined to get hurt, I meant it. Then what's the point on asking for a separation? So that I could keep this love in a way that God may forgive, hoping it would keep its purity.
  
Reading our old conversations is still my routine. Replaying your voice messages, as well as seeing our videos and pictures, are still pretty much what I do when I just can't bear the feeling of missing you. If you happened to find this confession, you'd either find me weak thus could annoy you, or you'd find it creepy. I don't care. I don't know how one could survive a heartbreak that easily if they really love someone genuinely. I can't ever comprehend....

It's raining so hard right now. My tears have stopped flowing just to flow again in silence... Even later when it can stop, please don't tell me to erase your existence in my deepest heart. It's something I can't even pretend I can do.

Restoring My Faith (2)

Aku makin duniawi, lalu Allah kasih aku ujian yang amat sangat menguji kecintaanku pada kesenangan dunia ini.

Aku yang baru mulai sembuh dari luka lama, aku yang sejatinya selalu butuh seorang pria, di saat yang tak terduga muncullah seseorang yang ternyata bisa mengalihkan duniaku kepadanya. Aku yang tidak mudah suka lelaki tetapi begitu suka akan sepenuh hati, merasa akhirnya dipertemukan dengan orang itu. Aku yang dari dulu penggemar drama Korea, dimunculkanlah orang ini yang dengan tanpa kamu sadari mulai mengisi hatimu perlahan, menghiasi hari-hari kamu, membuatnya kembali berwarna. Yang begitu manis dan perhatian, kemudian menyatakan cinta, dan seolah menjanjikan dunia padamu.

Apa hubungannya sama drama Korea? Mungkin bahkan orang awam non K-drama land pun tahu bahwa banyak cerita drama Korea yang berkisar tema gadis biasa yang nggak pula cantik amat, berjodoh dengan CEO perusahaan besar nan kaya raya kan? Ketika kamu di dunia nyata ini diposisikan sebagai gadis beruntung itu, gimana reaksi kamu? Ini terjadi padaku.

Di sinilah kamu sadar bahwa hidup ini bukan drama Korea. Datangnya lelaki itu, yang membawa cinta untukmu dan menjanjikan dunia kepadamu, berarti pula ujian untuk keimanan kamu, ketaatan kamu sama Tuhan kamu. Datangnya dia, yang akhirnya bisa membuatmu merasakan cinta lagi, dan bahagia lagi... langsung kamu sadari merupakan sebuah pilihan sulit yang mungkin membuatmu harus memilih untuk mencabut sendiri kebahagiaanmu itu. Dan itulah yang akhirnya kamu lakukan. Sakit? Nggak terkatakan.

Mungkin reaksi pertama orang (apalagi yang kenal aku sebagai aku di masa lalu saja) ketika mendengar ini, "Kok mau sama yang beda agama?", nggak aku salahkan. Tapi orang itu berarti nggak tau gimana strugglingnya aku bertahun-tahun belakangan ini. Percayalah, aku juga selalu perang batin, bertaut hati sama mereka yang tidak bisa kumiliki. Tapi kalau perasaan bisa kamu kontrol segampang itu, nggak akan ada cerita orang bunuh diri karena patah hati. Juga nggak akan ada kisah Romeo-Juliet yang mendunia itu. Atau Laila-Majnun, atau apapunlah.

Di sini aku nggak bisa cerita detail karena meskipun blog ini hanya aku yang baca, aku tetap merasa sebaiknya nggak cerita siapa orang itu dan bagaimana bisa berakhir begini, demi melindungi dia. Aku cuma berharap orang paham bahwa ujian hidup dari Allah itu beda-beda. Yang menurut A sakit banget, belum tentu B merasakan sesakit itu. Yang menurut aku berat banget, belum tentu di kamu seberat itu. Yang jelas, satu yang sudah kupelajari dengan baik selama 27 tahun hidupku, adalah jangan pernah jadi judgmental. Jangan. Nggak baik. Allah, satu-satunya yang berhak menilai.

Dengan perasaan berat dan sakit yang nggak terkira yang kurasakan, aku dan dia sepakat menyudahi ini. Dia, sebagaimana lelaki pada umumnya, tampak sangat santai menghadapi ini. Walaupun hati kecilku kadang berkata dia pun mengalami masa sulit. Karena aku tahu dia tulus sekali. Tapi masa sulitnya, sesaat, mungkin? Tidak denganku. Aku selalu mencintai sepenuh hati, apalagi jiwa melankolisku cukup dominan. Cukup makan waktu untuk aku bangkit lagi. Biasanya di fase ketika aku terlampau perih, aku bisa nggak makan sama sekali. Aku bisa memikirkan untuk menyakiti diri. Aku nggak bersemangat ngapa-ngapain, dan hatiku teramat berat sampai air mata bisa menetes kapanpun. Aku benci keadaanku yang seperti itu.

Untungnya, kali ini masa terpurukku nggak terlalu berlarut. Untungnya dia bersikap tepat, memberikan support dengan caranya sendiri yang aku tahu, sesungguhnya dia sedang support aku. Dan memang aku sudah memutuskan kali ini aku nggak akan menghancurkan diri sendiri atau menyalahkan Tuhan seperti dulu. Setiap orang harus ada titik baliknya. Mungkin ini titik balikku. Aku masih akan tertatih dan mungkin saat rinduku ke dia sudah nggak terbendung, hanya bisa kulampiaskan dengan tangisan. Tapi bedanya, kali ini aku akan menangis di depan Allah. Minta ditenangkan, minta diberi keikhlasan akan semua ketetapanNya yang seringkali nggak sesuai mauku.

Verily, with hardship there is ease. Aku ingin percaya itu. He knows while you know not. Aku mengimani itu. What is to come is better than what has gone by. Aku mendoakan itu. Dengan serapuh imanku, yang kini berusaha kusirami kembali dengan semangat taubat, semangat kembali ke jalan Allah. Aku bertekad mempelajari agama ini dari awal lagi. Malu sama Nur Arisa Maryam, sama Ayana Moon, sama mereka-mereka lainnya yang seperti mereka, begitu cinta dan semangat berislam sementara aku tertatih begini. Nggak akan mudah, aku tahu. Akan banyak godaan, aku tahu. Mungkin saja aku akan jatuh lagi. Tapi aku akan banyak berdoa. Karena, supplifications is the believers' weapon. Dan selalu mengingat bahwa Allah Maha Pemurah, Penyayang, Pemaaf, Pengampun, dan bahwa yang kita tuju adalah kehidupan kekal setelah kematian. Bukan dunia yang menyilaukan ini. Semoga aku kuat.    
         

Things You Missed (4)

Baby kid,

This is about time we're usually talking to each other, right?
I would do my activities from house chores until exercising, sometimes I have showered but sometimes you wake up first before I take shower.
I have gotten used to waiting. Waiting for you to wake up, waiting for your good morning text, waiting for everything I just can do with you.

This is the first Sunday night I've spent without talking with you.
There's a loss, obviously. A lot of times my heart still aches, because I do miss you each minute.
But I've determined I will have to pass this test. Not just pass, but with flying colors. Because it's you, this time. You have told me to be strong, so I will be. You told me to play cool, I will try. You have made me think a lot about many things in life, and most of all, is the fundamental issue about me being a Muslim.

Still a lot to write, I need to do another thing now so will continue tomorrow.

You never read this, but writing down all things I wanna share to you, even though it's not cool in your eyes, I still feel better by doing so.  

Continued now.

So now I'm really wondering if you did mean it every single time you said I love you to me. How can it change so quickly. There were times I felt grateful that you'd turned cold to me, gave me strength and more pride not to looking back to those sweet memories in the past... as well as I felt relieved that you stopped me from resigning. But it really still hurts me... How someone used to be important, a part of your life, just turned stranger in an instant. One time you showed me you still care, the other time you just let me feel like I never was an important person in your life. You told me I was more important than anything you're working on. You told me I was your favorite Noona. But yes you did tell me you could love hard and drop it if you had to. Now teach me how to... This is love, something your heart feels. How can you just drop it when needed, how can you have such a good control over it. I warned you not to play with my heart, didn't I.... God, I am ready if you take my life right now. I feel helpless again right now. Take me now, I hope I am on the right path now while you end my life. My heart's aching all the time, God.

See... Last night I was so optimistic I could pas this test satisfyingly but see what state I am now... I am falling down again... Lord....... It hurts... it hurts so much missing someone you know he is not even thinking of you anymore let alone missing you. It hurts so much I'm really okay if You end my life right now, Lord.....

Sometimes I regret things. Like how you told me you like me, but at the same time also warned me not to get hurt. How would you be that selfish... Sometimes I regret things, like how you convinced me you loved me and how you believed things would work out in the end. You shouldn't have ever told me your feeling, you should've just kept it to yourself. That would've saved me from another pain.....

I miss you so much I don't know how I should deal with this feeling of losing you, every day, every minute. Please don't blame me for being this weak. I never know how to love except for giving him your all, and that is how I get so hurt right now. The moment you turned cold to me, when you said me being this weak even had made it easier to let you move on from me... was the moment when I regretted the most why I would give you all my heart. Why I thought you're gonna be different. That was the very moment my wounded heart got torn... as if it was not wounded enough. But... that was also what made me have the strength to always fight the urge of texting you.....

You made me believe you were the right one I'd been patiently waiting for. Now you've let me go and while I hurt so deep, you took it as my weakness that even made you turn away from me more easily. You have made me happy, you have made me sad. You have made me strong. Whatever you have done, I thank you. Thank you for showing up in my life and stayed, and let me go. It's a mutual parting as you said... but you'll remain in my heart and my prayers.

Ya Allah. Please let him know that he's always in my mind. He takes me closer to You so please give him guidance. My heart aches from missing him so much but I know I should just run and cry to you instead of him. May it find peace and may you guide me and him. Aameen.

Things You Missed... (3)

I am getting stronger but my feelings for you are still here. My love for you is still as strong, the memories of us are still vivid.

Today a month ago, was when you showed me your phone wallpaper: our hands. Us holding hands. You said you missed me everyday so you never changed it. I bet you've changed it by now right.... Because you seemed to be handling our parting so cool. And I need to learn a bit from you...

I am really missing you so much right now... and every second of my breath. It's not even at night, it's now a clear bright day, but me lying in this bed waking up from a quick nap.... can only think of that very moment when we were doing nothing but holding hands. Last night too... The image of me waiting for you then walking fast to meet you at back entrance as soon as I'd received your message... The image of your smile welcoming me... How you quickly grabbed my hand then we walked together.... Each thing you said to me.... Even a day before we agreed to part ways you still sent me a video of you saying I love you. How sweet, and I miss all those moments. I miss you so much. I miss you too much.

You texted me this morning asking if I'm doing fine. I had no options but to answer you optimistically. You told me I could annoy you by being weak so how should I answer? Indeed I am getting stronger but actually... I'm still not fine. How can I be fine in just a week, tell me how could you be that strong. I can't even tell you things like, "Krispy Kreme is opening at Margo!", "That mango super popular drink has opened also", I wanted to tell you things like this, do you think I can do that? Will it undo my progress of moving on from you? When my heart is still not sure when it's willing to let you go. I have let you go, but my heart has its own timing and decision.... And that's what makes me most anxious. I am honestly afraid that my heart will be waiting for you silently. I am afraid of that knowing how persistent I could be when I'm already in love. I'm afraid....

I still don't dare to go to our usual places. I still have that one folder of our pics and vids in my phone, not sure when I will be able to remove it.... I will never delete it, I think. Maybe just remove it to the laptop. I'm hoping you'll do the same but.. if you do delete our memories then I'll still never know, I'll still keep mine. This is just how weak I am and blinded by love. But I guess this is one thing that makes me me. And I still thank you that you didn't agree to my stupid request wanting us to get back together. Thank you for being sober and keeping your words, not letting me get into another toxic relationship. It hurts so much now, missing you like this, having to let you go, but I'm determined I need to be a stronger version of myself and not getting self harm like last time. Not because of you. Because I love you and I want to become a better me for this love that grows in me. And in you. I'll show you I can. From this moment on, I'll only show the world that I'm fine. Let only Allah know what I and my heart are actually hiding from the world.... how I'm struggling inside. I miss you. Miss you. 

   

Restoring My Faith (1)

Seberat apapun aku melalui perpisahan ini, jauh di lubuk hatiku aku meyakini ini adalah bentuk ujian dari Allah. Lagi. Karena Allah sayang aku. Aku ingin kembali ke jalan Nya, jadi Allah mau membuktikan apakah aku sungguh dengan niat taubatku atau aku masih gamang dan berpaling lagi.

Mungkin benar, kelemahan terbesarku sejak dulu adalah di hati. Hatiku lemah terhadap cinta. Cinta pertama sejak SMA, lelaki yang sempat mampir sejenak saat kelulusan kuliah, sampai aku mulai perlahan menjauh dari Allah dan meninggalkan Dia bertahun-tahun lamanya hanya karena seorang pria. Setelah gagal, aku menyalahkan Dia. Aku mulai mempertanyakan kenapa aku harus tetap di agama ini. Kecenderunganku sepertinya makin menjauh dari tuntunanNya. Jadi aku harus mengikuti kata hatiku atau kata Nya?

Jika kegagalan dengan pria yang kutangisi dulu membuatku jauh dari Allah, ujian kali ini rasanya berbeda. Entah kenapa aku merasakan ini bentuk kasih sayang Allah. Memang masih selalu tarik menarik antara suara kebaikan dan bisikan setan di dalam diriku, perang batin itu masih ada. Tapi berangkat dari keyakinan Allah sayang aku makanya mengujiku dengan perkara serupa, aku berusaha mendapatkan kekuatan terus untuk menunjukkan bahwa aku memang ingin kembali pada Nya.

Dalam beberapa bulan terakhir aku "gila" karena terlampau sakit dengan kisah yang lalu, aku kadang merenung, kenapa makin ke sini, aku makin tidak bisa sejalan dengan nilai-nilai Islam yang dulu kuyakini. Sepertinya makin aku melihat dunia, makin aku merasa Islam berat. Shalat 5 waktu, misalnya. Dan banyak kesukaanku yang kok dilarang di Islam. Contoh? Musik.

Lalu aku mulai berpikir, kalau mau kembali ke Allah, aku mesti meyakini dulu bahwa memang Islam adalah satu-satunya agama yang mesti kupegang. Biar bisa mempelajari ulang dari hati. Bagaimanapun aku terlahir muslim, dari kecil dididik secara muslim, dan hanya tahu agama-agama lain sepintas lalu saja. Jadi aku sempat sesekali mempelajari agama-agama lain. Syukurlah aku masih yakin terhadap Islam, dan selalu ada perasaan Allah memang Tuhan satu-satunya. Zat yang mencipta, mengatur, maha Kuasa. Dan itulah intinya Islam, tauhid. Jadi aku memutuskan akan memulainya dari situ. Sederhana. Sesederhana konsep ketuhanan di Islam: menyembah Tuhan yang satu-satunya.

Bahkan di saat-saat aku mempertanyakan banyak hal dan meragukan Islam, aku masih selalu merasa Islam spesial, bahkan cuma dari namanya. Sekarang aku mengembalikan keyakinanku: aku yakin Islam dengan konsepnya yang sederhana, sesederhana menyembah Tuhan yang satu, meyakini Nabi Muhammad sebagai nabi terakhir penyempurna ajaran-ajaran tauhid sebelumnya yang melaluinya Allah sampaikan ajaranNya. Sesederhana konsep beribadah yang tanpa perantara, yang hanya butuh mukena dan air wudhu. Cukup aku mulai dari situ untuk menumbuhkan lagi keimananku.

Aku nggak akan tiba-tiba berjilbab panjang, anti celana dan memakai kaus kaki setiap saat seperti dulu saat SMA atau mendadak berubah bergamis dan berjilbab sekaki dan mengaji salafi seperti yang saat ini sedang menjamur dimana-mana. Aku akan perlahan saja mengembalikan dulu keimananku. Kalau kondisi seperti ini aku dipaksa menjalankan Islam yang terlihat berat, aku mungkin malah akan mental duluan. Aku masih suka nyanyi, aku masih lebih suka mendengarkan lagu Korea saat menyetir, aku masih akan mendengarkan lagu saat mandi, dan mungkin malah aku akan mengangkat jilbabku. Tapi aku hanya akan menjalankan semuanya dari hati dan tanpa merasa terpaksa... Aku yakin agama bukan paksaan. Aku akan menjalankan semampuku, seperti artian doa pada zikir pagi dan petang yang beberapa hari ini mulai kubaca.

Yang terpenting bagiku sekarang, mengembalikan keyakinan bahwa Islam tidak sulit dan ajarannya sempurna. Sempurna, artinya benar. Bahwa aku masih mendengarkan musik karena aku belum sanggup menggantinya ke ayat-ayat Quran atau ceramah penguat iman (atau di kondisiku sekarang jadi pembeban). Bukan karena ajaran mendengarkan musik itu salah, karena konsep macam inilah yang membuatku merasa berat. Begitupun dengan yang lain-lainnya. Aku dulu menganggap "Jika tidak total, mending tidak sama sekali kan? Kalau mendengarkan musik haram dan aku berdosa karenanya, jadi mending aku sekalian tidak berislam saja? Kan jadi ga ada istilah dosa? Karena aku memang suka musik. Untuk apa menjalankan ini itu dengan perasaan oh ini dosa gue kayak gini, mana bisa orang hidup tenang dengan begitu? Sementara aku belum sanggup meninggalkannya?" Aku tidak akan tahan hidup dengan perasaan begitu. Jadi aku akan berdamai dengan diriku.... Berislam semampuku dulu. Akhir orang nggak ada yang tahu. Cukup doakan, jangan disinis-sinisi. Berislam dengan penuh keyakinan dulu. Bisa jadi aku suka musik sekarang tapi nanti ada satu titik aku jenuh atau dikasih peristiwa tertentu yang bikin aku sadar kenapa musik dilarang. Ajarannya nggak salah, hanya kita belum siap. Mungkin memang dosa, hanya belum sanggup kutinggalkan, Bukan mengecilkan dosa, tapi ini memang tidak sama dengan membunuh atau berzina, kan. Ada alasan musik dilarang, karena Allah lebih tahu. Aku masih mendengarkan, karena belum sanggup kutinggalkan, bukan karena ajarannya salah. Konsep macam ini yang sedang kutanamkan. Perkara dosa biar jadi urusan Tuhan. Toh yang kuyakini, orang akan ke surga karena rahmatNya. Menjalankan banyak amalan jika setengah hati, untuk apa?

Mengapa aku makin merasa Islam berat, mungkin karena aku makin cinta dunia. Wajar menurutku, karena kita hidup di dunia ini, dengan segala yang kita hadapi di dalamnya setiap harinya. Tapi kemudian, agama hadir jadi semacam rem atas besarnya kecintaan kita pada dunia ini. Karena jika menuruti keinginan manusia, pasti akan terus mengejar dunia tanpa henti. Mau kaya, mau hidup senang, mau pasangan rupawan, mau sehat terus. Padahal ada kekuatan super di luar sana yang mengatur itu semua, lho. Mau sehat terus biar bisa nikmatin dunia terus? Oke kita jalankan gaya hidup sehat, tapi tiba-tiba terserang kanker, kok bisa? Takdir. Tanpa keyakinan akan adanya Tuhan yang Maha Mengatur, aku nggak bisa bayangin bagaimana bakal kacaunya aku kalau terjadi hal-hal di luar perhitungan manusia.

   

O Allah, give me strength to go through this trial.
You know your creatures best. You know how I am struggling. It is extremely hard for me. Please give me some miracle so I could overcome it.

Falling apart at nights, after trying super hard at days. Trying extra hard to ignore the stuffy feelings when he came haunting you with only all sweet memories. Missing someone never feels so heavy because you know you can't have it happen for real anymore.

O Allah forgive me for being this weak, for missing him this much. But help me through this misery....

Things You Missed... (2)

Hey, baby kid.

I'm getting stronger today but there's something I wanted to share to you yesterday. You know, like always. Look at this picture below:

 

No you don't have no idea what they are :p

My father #1 at office (you know who we're talking about ok, don't get more count on FV!) once challenged me to eat the small round fried thing. I tell you that is called Combro, made of cassava and has oncom filling. Oncom is... you can Google it hehe. So usually Combro comes in bigger, like twice the size shown above, so this is mini Combro. So one day father #1 just got back from the meeting room and with his face expression like he just ate something crazily spicy, he was like "Sar, try the combro. Have you? They got this super hot chili paddy inside oh I'm burning, spicy as hell!" so I calmly said, "I ate, Pak. That is completely nothing to me...." a grin on my face. "Ah you sure? Try eat 3 of them!" so I replied, "I ate 1 and also the chocolate banana roll, Pak. Not that I can't eat more combro but you know I'm trying to watch my calories..."

That was maybe a week prior to yesterday. Yesterday in the monthly meeting, we had what's on the pic for snack! I was having difficulty concentrating during the meeting you know what, I couldn't mention the name of the next one to do the presentation right away, I was like, "...that will be presented by... (seconds of silence) Pak X." Hahaha. Yes I was gloomy yesterday, yesterday I was weak but today I've been getting stronger. So my lack of concentration was to blame you  my weak heart, not because I was craving for the snacks ok....

So... well... After the meeting ended, Father #1 started eating the chocolate banana roll haha. He had had enough with the Combro, he said to the Marketing Manager when he told him he accidentally ate the chili inside the mini combro as he'd forgotten it had chili inside, "Spicy as hell!", he said. Father #1 then replied, "That's why I'm eating the banana." Then he just suddenly noticed me in front of him tidying up the projector and laptop, his eyes cheeky, and I got this feeling that he was going to let me do the challenge. And I was right. So confidently, I ate 1.... calmly. He was, "Did you throw away the chili inside?" Noooo hahaha. So I ate the second piece... even more calmly and carefully showed him bite by bite I ate. And finally, I grabbed the last piece... still needed no water... still ate it calmly.... and I really did not drink anything. Uselessly proud of myself *self applause*. "Pak, I honestly can eat the whole plate still without drinking, you know. I'm just watching my calories... haha" and he was still stunned and started to complement me, while the Purchasing Manager who knows me sooo well, seated next to him, had always tried to sell me since the first pc of combro I ate, "Pak, you just had no idea. When I cooked her food with to me highest level spiciness, she would say it wasn't spicy enough.... This combro is really nothing for her." So I won, but.... for no reward. Hahaha.

So, baby kid. That's a not important at all story I wanted to tell you yesterday... Noona was very weak, which would annoy you... But she's trying hard to be stronger. You won't read this, but Noona wants you to know that she was having a bad day yesterday, lack of concentration in everything, even hit her hip again to some solid things, which you used to comment "not because you're too skinny but you are clumsy". Hehe. Noona starts to smile and laugh a lot today, because she had got some texts from you in the morning, and because she keeps trying more to be stronger. She doesn't want to annoy you or disappoint you. But missing you every second is really hard for her... She still falls apart like when she was suddenly missing you too much in the lunch time she got teary again in the corner of her desk today.... Noona still finds no way to move on from you, she sometimes gets anxious from the thought you would easily forget her and find her replacement.... But she has no choice but to live on.... And tries to put more and more faith to the Creator. There's no other way other than letting God do His work on this, this is what she believes, the immature Noona who always thinks of you, mature baby kid. 

A Pic to Recall (1)

Hey, FV.

Or should I say SV in this case. Haha.
You're so smart, I know you should recall to the same memory as what I recall, seeing this picture. I took this pic yesterday. Notice the rings position? What would you say last time seeing it?

"People will think you're taken then",
"I don't care....".
"But you are taken (put your favorite face here)".

Let me tell you. I am not going to change anything now even though you have let me go. Do not ever challenge me in term of loyalty... You may be gone, we may have been over, but my feelings remain here!

Things You Missed.... (1)

Hey, baby kid.

I miss you so dyingly. I know you're doing just fine, maybe you're sad too, but I know I'm the only one who's bearing it so hard since you're a man and I'm the girl here.... I just won't ever deny that fact anymore, learning from my last experience. I just won't question again why men can have it lighter. Why won't they understand that every word they said to their women, will last forever in their minds. Thus we need more time to recover. And for me, I can never heal completely. Time makes everything better but it won't replace memories. I won't question such things again.... I just need to accept that women indeed are always the ones who left shattered to pieces. Men with genuine feelings may be having a hard time, but they always handle it quick. I won't question why though.....

I miss you so dyingly, but I know we're over, I know it's all my decision which you agreed at last, I know I can just text you still right now to tell you how I miss you, I know you'll still text me back, I remember even when I had made the decision, you told me you'll always be there for me. But I know it's not the right thing to do... to text you. You're a man of his word, unlike my ex. So I should try harder to be more like you. You challenged me to be strong, you said that so easily it hurt me, but I'll show you that I.... am trying.... hard.... but what can I do, I'm still me... I'm a woman of feeling.... And now I am missing you too much.

And I can't bear it today. Yesterday I was stronger but not today. So I'm writing it all here... things I want to say to you. Even though you will never read this. You don't often check my IG story so I know you don't even check my online diary here. But I will still pour my heart out.... I've always been like this....  Maybe you never know I have an online diary even though I told you once. Oh, what was the last count on the FV again? Forgetful you... who I love so much.

Do you remember you told me to take a picture in the dresses I was tailoring for my sister's wedding? I said no because they needed fixing. "Then wait until they got fixed ok", you said. This morning Mama asked me to try them on, but you know what, they are still so bad. We've picked very very wrong tailor. So I haven't tried it on still, haha. But you know, we are not in touch anymore, so... you will never see me in those dresses....

Speaking of my sister's wedding... Last night at home I found more stacks of her wedding invitations. Have I told you that my papa is inviting a looooot of people? Perhaps because it's his first daughter's wedding he wants to tell just everyone he knows. Haha. When I showed you the invitation's pic, you responded, "Where's mine?" like you would come if you're invited (putting your most favorite face here). That time I did not expect at all that by the time my sister is married, we'll already be strangers... It hurts to imagine that you know. So much. Not completely a stranger I know, as long as I am still here, we'll always have this employee-employer relationship. But will that make me feel better? You know the answer....

Oh. You know LKW is here right now, right. When you heard he was coming, you predicted that that one girl at office who idolizes him would be excited to hear the news. I told you that I hadn't told her. And you told me to tell her. What I haven't told you is I did tell her and as you've predicted, she was excitedly happy to hear that. Hahaha. You're smart I know, but you're also forgetful, but at the same time you've always amazed me by how you have selective memories of certain things. Like, how do you actually filter things you want to store in your memory? You seem to remember our first talks one night in March: like most of them, or maybe even all of them. But you forgot about snakefruit and about my rabbit. Are you really a complicated, multidimensional person? I'm also forgetful though you always said I'm thoughtful... but I do remember all things we shared!

Back to LKW, yesterday was his first day here at office and after full day of meeting, in the afternoon out of the blue he just commented on how I looked skinnier! He asked if I'd been on a diet. I said honestly, as I always am an honest person hehe, that I got stressed. The first pounds shed was because of the stress, but since I had lost them, I just continued trying for more weight loss. That's how I got my body now. And he ended up motivating me, "You should maintain this figure." Hahaha. Okay! At this time I just figured why you possibly turned out to like me: I've been getting prettier, right? Hahaha. Actually well you said so yourself, that I'm pretty even though I'm far from J-Lo (put your favorite face here hahah) whenever I doubted your feelings to me, as I don't find myself pretty whatsoever. By the way, even though it's all over between us, I still want to do those tasks you gave me.... everything. How am I supposed to remove you then from my heart? I never have any intention to let it happen but I did choose to end everything anyways. You told me to be strong whatever decision I make, and I always try, but the truth is, I miss you every single time.

Have I told you that I was so touched when you said sorry for making me going through another secret relationship, and you said you're being selfish when you asked for it, and that I could tell the world that we're in love if that would make me feel happy.  You've called my "my gf", you asked me if I had told my friends that I had you. You said you didn't care how people will see us. But I do care....

Despite being younger, I always know you're mature. So mature that for the third time I asked for break up, you let me think straight about that and you told me you'd still want to keep going on but you can see that I'm always bothered by a lot of things. I didn't realize I was on PMS when I made the decision, sometimes I feel like I'm regretting it, but sometimes I also feel like it's indeed the right thing to do.... Sooner or later. The second time I asked to end this, you just gave me your favorite face and tried to convince me, that you believe we'll work things out in the end. But how could I believe that... I'd been in similar situation for years and I'm too afraid that this time too will end the same. So I really chose to end it. But I'm hurt.... You showed up when I had this deep hole in my heart and you began to fill it... Until that night when you confessed, I was stunned. I felt like I was in a Korean drama (this is what I was mumbling and you didn't hear it clearly and you asked but I said nothing hehe). I was flattered and even though I cried alone that night realizing it would be another test for me.... You came and offered me only happiness I always dream of. You listened to me, you comforted me, you showed me you care. Do you know that I always like your voice even long before we started getting closer? One day you called my name in the meeting room to move closer to your seat so I could translate for you. That's when I began to like your voice. Such a simple girl, I am....
   
I was helping with the translations and that was when I figured out... I'm wearing pink hijab today. It's your favorite, right. This is my new hijab I showed you the pic last time on the day I bought it. On the pic was several hijabs with different color and you took notice on the yellow one. You said the color was festive. See, if there's one thing (actually more than one you know) I regret from taking such decision is... I've learnt to speak in English naturally the whole time we're together. You corrected me, you taught me new vocabs indirectly, you called me at nights so I could practice listening. And in all those activities, there was love. How I am missing those moments... I'm really trying hard now not to break down.

I'm really going to try harder tomorrow but let me be weak again today can I.... I really miss you damn much. I miss you texting me in my afternoon and your dawn time, to only say you got awakened and that you had something important to tell me. You called my name. And that important thing was... "I miss you so much". I miss you who confessed to me that you spent 2 hrs in your flight back to your country looking at our pics. I miss you making me feel so loved.... Can I cry now?

I miss you comforting me when I was down, I miss you saying I love you to me. I miss your response "You can't love me more than I love you" when I said I love you. I miss you saying "I miss you more" when I said I miss you. I miss you calling me silly silly older little girl. I miss you comforting me when I was worried because we are too different, by saying "It's okay, I'll keep telling you it's okay, forever if I have to". Can you come to me again now to say those beautiful words? Pat my shoulder like you did when I cried. Tell me with that soft voice that's become my favorite, that it's okay, it's okay even if we're different. Tell me love conquers everything like what you implied once. Tell me my God will forgive me if I choose you. Or tell me you'll try to open your heart to my God whom I fear, which is impossible.... I should love Him more than I love you.... Love Him as much as I fear Him. But now it's only you occupying my entire mind and heart. What should I do. Let me be weak again just today alright... I'll be stronger tomorrow I promise. I've started reciting Al Matsurat this morning even I didn't get to finish it, and I found peace. So I'm hoping I'll really get better in no time, just like you said. Just like how you've been doing.


I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me.


Baby kid,
You're doing just fine I know.
But this ajumma is missing you too bad.
   

When Being Strong is Your Only Choice (1)

I have decided I will not react the same way as I did before when I failed the previous relationship.

I blamed God. I was hurting my own body. I cried an ocean... was so out of control a river wouldn't have enough capacity to hold the tears, hehe. I tortured my own self. I was so hurt, I was so helpless. I've gathered up my strength this time, and started to eat normal. One day is enough. I won't be drowning in sorrow like last time, and I realized my last meal was on Sunday afternoon before I started the break up topic with him. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday and I can't let my body suffer too much today when I have a lot to do at work. I am not repeating the same mistake again, this time.

I was breaking down yesterday so I decided to take a half day leave from the office. The previous night I was anxious and couldn't sleep a wink, so I was tired inside and out. I hate the fact that I can't get asleep whenever I have something heavy in mind... ever since I was little. So I went home and started sobbing again in bed... for hours. It was too hard to bear, losing love after I just began to heal from the previous wound. And the fact that it was all due to my own choice... yet I couldn't bear the destroyed feeling....

After crying too much I could hardly breath... I realized I should never again blame Him so I got up to take wudoo. I am not repeating the same mistake again! As soon as I opened the door, Ibu who I thought had got home, was standing there with teary eyes, and began to hug me, pat my back, "Cry... just cry... I will always pray for you, Dek Sarah. Like I prayed for Dek Hayyun. I've been listening to your crying sound, I know it hurts you too much, so just cry..." The fact she is a Christian but she sincerely prays for me felt touching. And I am sensitive to hug, I always love being hugged, which Mama never gives.  So I cried even harder in her arms, "Ibu knows it already? Mama told you? I'm sad, Bu... I am very very sad..." and she just kept patting me. Then Mama showed up from downstairs, with Auntie. So Mama, Auntie and me got back to my room. I kept crying.

"You're so weak when it comes to love. Perhaps it's your biggest weakness. That is why God gives you another trial in love." I nodded agree while crying so hard helplessly. Everyone is tested differently, my heart said. My aunt, sitting beside my mom on the edge of my bed, trying to comfort me. "Sarah is beautiful, smart, well-educated, a very nice young lady, you'll find someone else in no time, okay?", she continued, still trying to get me to calm down. But this time I didn't nod, I didn't agree. I admit there are some guys out there who're still trying, but what's the point when I'm not attracted even the slightest bit? It's very hard for me to get attracted to someone and I always have this tendency to grow feelings to those I shouldn't fall for... now that it happened again for the second time.

Mama who did not talk a lot, not until my aunt left, "Be proud that he loves you, but be even more proud that you've chosen to leave him, okay?", I nodded. "You still want worldly happiness, Mama won't judge you wrong, because it is not, but please keep in your heart and mind that dunya is temporary. We Muslims believe in the eternal life and that's what we should pursue: the afterlife eternal happiness rather than deceptive happiness in this temporary life." Still sobbing, I nodded. "You always question a lot of things but you should know that there are things in this life human beings just won't ever comprehend. You believe in fate, don't you?". I nodded again.

Ibu came in with a glass of water in her hand and handed me it right away. After another hour of more cries, listening to them and responding to them when I needed, I did shalah Zuhr when Aunt had left and Mama went downstairs too. Lying in bed still in the praying outfit was me when Mama came in again. Now she began to talk a lot...

A Vulnerable Heart that Pretends Strong....

I feel so weak. Literally. Here I'm writing again after several days ago I deleted this link to my blog on my IG (that again will be inactive for quite some time now), in the hope that only those friends who really care to me will read this. I don't mind though if random people find this, just please do not send me private messages judging me even if it's in a very nice and polite way. I am not opening my heart again in the near future... to new guys. I need my time alone, I am back to this stage where I do not want to enjoy life. I only want sleep. A very long one... that sadly is a very luxurious thing for me at this moment I can hardly get.

So... After a while, I took some pills again yesterday around 5 pm. It was Sunday but I didn't get myself on treadmill or any other light workout like I normally do. I just took shower and went to my bed with lights off and locked door. Deja vu? Only wanted to rest earlier to get rid of my bad thoughts and anxiety. But I kept awake until this morning, perhaps due to the headache pill I took a few hours later, keeping me awake all night and it's very tiring. I am extremely tired and drained emotionally... physically.

I was having a hard time concentrating on driving all the way from home to the office this morning. I started okay but then it was all blurry vision along the way. I arrived and parked too early and the thought of texting with him in my car at the parking area... made me burst in tears. At my desk, talking to someone, I couldn't bear this heavy feeling whenever his name was being mentioned or when I had to go to his office. But I still have to come on a daily basis and pretend like my heart is all okay... I have to bear it all. And I need to stay the least for another 3 months or even more until I find a new job. This is hard... Too hard. Gosh... beg your mercy this time is much harder to go through...

Last night that felt so long.... I listened to ballads, melancholic songs. I sang those songs. I prayed. But most of the times, I cried. God... Why do You give me another test like this. Wo zhen kuai bu xing le. This time is even 1000x harder than the last one. Two months is very short of time but for a sensitive heart like mine that's always craving for affection.... It means huge. It means another failure for me. I should've guarded my fragile soul better... Now I'm so dying inside.

I am lonely. I need someone but I always seem to fall to the wrong person. How should I love again? I have my dreams too, Ya Allah. But the more I'm dreaming of them, the more it feels like You are never going to bless me. Why do You make me choose, again. Did I fail on the last test so You're giving me a similar test now? I do not ever want to leave You. No matter how weakening is my iman in this deen, I still have you in my heart. I still come to You because You're the only God I trust. This time.... it is extremely hard for me.... I'm not going to cut my arms or thinking about leaving this world but it's like.... it's like I'll become numb....

This is me. I keep questioning a lot of things but I choose to stick with You. My hijab that I wear, even if it's getting shorter over time, I never plan to take it off. Mandatory prayers, even though I am not performing them as khusyuk and as much as I used to do, I still do shalah. I am a disappointment to both my mama and papa but I still choose them over my own happiness. I choose You because I want to keep You in my heart more than any worldly creatures You create. But I want happiness too, Allah.... I will never blame You again for my wounds but please show me I can get my happiness too in the end... will You.... I am sinful, I commit uncountable sins, I'm aware of it. But these wounds that I keep creating to my own self, is to show You I still try to make it up... Because no one could ever feel how deep my pain is but You know how I've been struggling by myself...

I'm on my PMS and I miss him too much, the one who finally showed up to fill the hole in my heart in an unexpected way... and I chose to leave him so that I will not repeat similar story with another tragic ending.... and this weak soul is starting to regret my decision... Please guard me, Allah.