Remember the last day you were here? You hugged me and afterwards you told me on Whatsapp that you've already been looking for excuses to come again. To see me. You told me you wanted to tell me how much you loved me but the words were just kind of stuck in your throat.
Of all the conversations we had every day before the split, how many plans were made? Next time when you come again, we will eat this, we will watch that, we will do this we will do that. I even started all the baking things because initially I wanted to make something for you. You told me you wanted it. How am I supposed to react now knowing you will come again in two weeks. In only two weeks. What about the tasks you gave. I have even gained 3 kg instead of getting closer to the 48 goal. Because half of me knows it's no use anymore being 48 if it's not for you. But half of me still wants miracles and wants me to appear beautiful in front of you.
All of this chaos emotions inside me only makes me feel more certain to leave. I really need to; it's a must for my heart healing. I need a completely new world to get rid of you from my mind. From my heart. How is that even possible if I keep waiting for you in silence, just like this? How am I supposed to control my heart? You seem so easy moving on from me. Am I actually that forgettable?
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
I Cut My Hair (Very) Short
I always know that I'm the type of more to spontaneous person....
Like how I asked for a separation last time when I was still so much in love with him. I still do, by the way. Sometimes I could regret it, but I keep reminding myself that it was indeed the right decision. Even if I hurt again.
These days I've been filling the void in my heart with food. Persetan dengan resolusi 48 yang kubuat beberapa hari menjelang hari ultahku kemarin. Once I have let myself out, I can be the unfortunate version of Yuka Kinoshita. I have as great appetite as her but not with her lucks on being able to stay in shape no matter how much food she eats. So it resulted in me... gaining 3 kg. It's only 5 days away from my big sis wedding day, see, not even a week. But I couldn't control my emotional eating so I kept getting myself trapped in a long period of binge stage..... And ended up gaining weight instead of losing it. Not to mention I am still mentally unstable: tears overflowing at nights in bed, and sometimes in broad daylights at the office. Feeling strong for a moment then getting stuffy the next hours. What a cycle.
I've always wanted short hair, tapi rambutku terlalu tebal, kata orang salon. Jadi kalau kependekan nggak bagus, akan terlihat ngembang. But you know what. Last night I made my own historical record... I wasn't thinking much about it at all but then at around 9:30 pm, sitting on the bench in front of the mirror, I grabbed a paper scissors...then started cutting my hair. It IS the shortest ever I'm telling you... And my first time cutting it wholly. I cut before, only to make bangs. But this time, I made it. Don't know if I'd regret it later on but for now, I'm still feeling kind a ... fresh.
My sisters were surprised and especially my younger sister. She dropped her jaw seeing me upstairs, with my new hair, when we were just talking a few hours before, downstairs, with my long usual hair. Hahaha. I was sending the pictures to my friends, and they were also like... most of them said I looked fresh, beautiful. Some said I was crazy for cutting it myself. Some complimented that it turned out nice even when I only used paper scissors, hehe.
And... No, I didn't have any plan on becoming the new me whatsoever by having my hair cut this short. Last night, again, was one of those times I had it very hard again. The memories popped out so strong and I was missing him so much... I remember crying until over 1 am, with my sister sleeping tight beside me. Gosh... How much more days will I spend with his memories haunting me, with this feeling of overly missing him. I miss him every day.
Like how I asked for a separation last time when I was still so much in love with him. I still do, by the way. Sometimes I could regret it, but I keep reminding myself that it was indeed the right decision. Even if I hurt again.
These days I've been filling the void in my heart with food. Persetan dengan resolusi 48 yang kubuat beberapa hari menjelang hari ultahku kemarin. Once I have let myself out, I can be the unfortunate version of Yuka Kinoshita. I have as great appetite as her but not with her lucks on being able to stay in shape no matter how much food she eats. So it resulted in me... gaining 3 kg. It's only 5 days away from my big sis wedding day, see, not even a week. But I couldn't control my emotional eating so I kept getting myself trapped in a long period of binge stage..... And ended up gaining weight instead of losing it. Not to mention I am still mentally unstable: tears overflowing at nights in bed, and sometimes in broad daylights at the office. Feeling strong for a moment then getting stuffy the next hours. What a cycle.
I've always wanted short hair, tapi rambutku terlalu tebal, kata orang salon. Jadi kalau kependekan nggak bagus, akan terlihat ngembang. But you know what. Last night I made my own historical record... I wasn't thinking much about it at all but then at around 9:30 pm, sitting on the bench in front of the mirror, I grabbed a paper scissors...then started cutting my hair. It IS the shortest ever I'm telling you... And my first time cutting it wholly. I cut before, only to make bangs. But this time, I made it. Don't know if I'd regret it later on but for now, I'm still feeling kind a ... fresh.
My sisters were surprised and especially my younger sister. She dropped her jaw seeing me upstairs, with my new hair, when we were just talking a few hours before, downstairs, with my long usual hair. Hahaha. I was sending the pictures to my friends, and they were also like... most of them said I looked fresh, beautiful. Some said I was crazy for cutting it myself. Some complimented that it turned out nice even when I only used paper scissors, hehe.
And... No, I didn't have any plan on becoming the new me whatsoever by having my hair cut this short. Last night, again, was one of those times I had it very hard again. The memories popped out so strong and I was missing him so much... I remember crying until over 1 am, with my sister sleeping tight beside me. Gosh... How much more days will I spend with his memories haunting me, with this feeling of overly missing him. I miss him every day.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
God... please heal me. Heal me completely.
What is Your plan for me, Lord?
How can I heal these wounds. Why did You let me fall for guys who are not destined to be with me. Why did they appear in my life if they only ended hurting me. What do You want me to become already.
I am breaking down every time I'm alone. What should I do. My inner scars are still here, apparently.
What should I do.
What is Your plan for me, Lord?
How can I heal these wounds. Why did You let me fall for guys who are not destined to be with me. Why did they appear in my life if they only ended hurting me. What do You want me to become already.
I am breaking down every time I'm alone. What should I do. My inner scars are still here, apparently.
What should I do.
Aku Menua Lagi
Age is just a number, kata orang-orang. Kata seseorang belum lama ini.
Tapi aku bilang, even a number can tell a lot. Hahaha.
So yeah I just turned 28 yesterday. Hamdalah, sampai di usia ini. Nggak ada birthday trip seperti beberapa kali pergantian umur di tahun-tahun sebelumnya, karena partnerku sudah diambil orang dan bahkan sedang mengandung sekarang.
Last year on my birthday, I just broke up (like for the final one) after such a long complicated toxic relationship. I spent that day buying myself stuffs like shoes (I only recall shoes btw), you know, a birthday present from me for myself. Then I also went to Karaoke with another scorpion fellow, a best friend. I was not in a good mental condition on my age changing day last year. I can still remember it crystal clear, how I was having a hard time with Mama at home, because she was giving me lots of pressure... mainly because I did not like a guy her acquaintance introduced me to. She happened to like him so much, like he was the ideal image of her future son in law. But I did not. She was also trying to change me into the image of her ideal filial daughter. But I was not psychologically ready for any change at all. I was struggling so much inside.... Letting go of someone I had been so attached with, even when I knew I did have to let him go for my own good. And did she even remember my birthday? No.... But it's pretty much what happens every year so... no, it's really not a big deal for me.
Itulah yang terjadi lagi di tahun ini. Nggak satu orang pun di rumah ingat kemarin aku officially nambah tua. Kakakku Whatsapp, nanyain kapan pulang, bukan kenapa-kenapa, cuma mau ngamanin garasi. Hahahaha. Kentutlah, kalo kata Lucee. Dan di tempat dia inilah aku menghabiskan malam pergantian umurku. Dialah yang ucapin pertama kali, giving me a hug while saying "saengil chukha...". Because I was spending night at hers. Then we were chatting in the bed, with lights off, until around 1. I fell asleep maybe an hour after. Thanks to her I managed to control my emotions and so I wasn't shedding a drop of tears that night. Two friends sharing a similarly bitter love life, untungnya nggak pake adegan tangis tangisan, hehe.
Jadi dari tanggal 11-11, aku udah di Gading karena malamnya mau kondangan di Serpong (iya, Depok-Gading-Serpong-Gading rutenya...) jadi aku beberapa hari sebelum itu mendadak memutuskan menginap di rumah Lucee sekalian di hari H. Udah lama nggak ketemu dan selama ini cuma saling curhatan via wa aja. Dadakan, tapi Lucee ngabarin kalo mami udah ngatur ini itu, bikin aku merasa disambut, hihi. So I broke my driving record on 11-11-17, driving all the way from Depok to Gading to Serpong and back to Gading again on the same day, total over 100 km, and the very proud news is... I actually succeeded driving out of Depok, by myself, only guided by mbak-mbak GPS, for the first time in my life. That is.. for me.. one step closer to being an independent, mature 28 yo woman. Hahahahaha. It may sound so easy driving over 100 km in a day tapi yaaah those who know me, know me. I can get lost even inside a mall. So that was an achievement for me! The next day I drove back to Depok from Gading, also without causing a scene, all went smooth, and I was again, alone. Before this, I was once driving from Depok to Cibubur... notice Cibubur ok, it's only like one koprol away from Depok right... and I was driving with Mama. And we were lost together. Despite the distance, I still succeeded in getting us lost... to Pasar Rebo. Hahahaha. And another time, I was with my big sister when we reached TMII smoothly but on the way back home.. again I drove through the wrong lane on the highway... yang akhirnya bikin perjalanan kayak lebih lama sejam-an gitu. Kali lain, aku sukses nyasarin mobil ke RS Polri karena bingung sama instruksinya si mbak GPS. HAHAHAHA. Hao sha! You mei you bi wo ben de a?!
Tapi sebodoh-bodohnya, itulah proses. Itulah seaku-akunya aku. (APA SIH).
Sepulang dari Gading, aku nggak langsung pulang ke rumah tapi nyangkut ke Margo. You know, my second home. Pffth. Janjian sama dua sahabat SMA. I had decided that I'd stop wearing black and picked a yellow outfit instead. To be a new cheerful me on the first day of my new age! My normal self will wear pink or other bright colors when I'm going out, but a close friend of mine noticed that I recently tend to wear black or navy blue, all dark colors. Itu semacam nyadarin aku. Segitunya aku berduka ya? I disliked yellow but now I am gonna be a new me! So that is also why I challenged myself to drive alone out of Depok, and I made it, yay.
So I arrived at Margo. My mom at office texted me saying it's nice to be celebrating your birthday with others, not alone. I said no, just a normal hang out, nothing to do with my birthday, I swear not everyone is seeing someone's birthday special way like you. And she said maybe a surprise? I said no way. Then it turned out they really prepared a cake for me. And I cried. Sorry for being emotional but I can be touched just like that. I was sensitive, I was sad that day, I was teary while driving, with all the mixed emotions inside me. Lalu mereka siapin itu. Aku nggak nyangka sama sekali. Dan malamnya pun my another best friend, the fellow scorpion girl, gave me cakes she made. I couldn't do it on her day because she was on a certain diet, when I baked cookies that day. And her mom also sent me a cake as well as birthday wishes. Such a heartwarming family... Made me happier. When no one at your own home remembered... :')
Begitu pun tadi pagi, Senin ini di kantor. I told Maam last week if it's possible, I don't want people to notice my birthday. It could be my last birthday at this company, I am not welcoming this day enthusiastically, I will have no heart to be treating the others or receiving their birthday greetings. I am not gonna fake my feeling. So I didn't see it coming at all, that she had prepared a surprise as well....
All kinds of dramas are playing in my life, roller coaster emotions, hopes up, falling down, tears, laughter. Dan akan tetap begitu, karena life goes on. I just need to learn to appreciate and accept each thing happening, and to see things positively. Right? Learn more to accept qadr. I am now 28 and still so bitter (pfffth) but I will challenge myself to keep going on stronger each day. Make plans, stick with it, but leave the results to Allah. Keep praying. It's okay if you still cry sometimes, but do not ever blame God. Hei 28, salam kenal, dan mari kita jalani bersama hidup ke depan, sebaik-baiknya. :)
Tapi aku bilang, even a number can tell a lot. Hahaha.
So yeah I just turned 28 yesterday. Hamdalah, sampai di usia ini. Nggak ada birthday trip seperti beberapa kali pergantian umur di tahun-tahun sebelumnya, karena partnerku sudah diambil orang dan bahkan sedang mengandung sekarang.
Last year on my birthday, I just broke up (like for the final one) after such a long complicated toxic relationship. I spent that day buying myself stuffs like shoes (I only recall shoes btw), you know, a birthday present from me for myself. Then I also went to Karaoke with another scorpion fellow, a best friend. I was not in a good mental condition on my age changing day last year. I can still remember it crystal clear, how I was having a hard time with Mama at home, because she was giving me lots of pressure... mainly because I did not like a guy her acquaintance introduced me to. She happened to like him so much, like he was the ideal image of her future son in law. But I did not. She was also trying to change me into the image of her ideal filial daughter. But I was not psychologically ready for any change at all. I was struggling so much inside.... Letting go of someone I had been so attached with, even when I knew I did have to let him go for my own good. And did she even remember my birthday? No.... But it's pretty much what happens every year so... no, it's really not a big deal for me.
Itulah yang terjadi lagi di tahun ini. Nggak satu orang pun di rumah ingat kemarin aku officially nambah tua. Kakakku Whatsapp, nanyain kapan pulang, bukan kenapa-kenapa, cuma mau ngamanin garasi. Hahahaha. Kentutlah, kalo kata Lucee. Dan di tempat dia inilah aku menghabiskan malam pergantian umurku. Dialah yang ucapin pertama kali, giving me a hug while saying "saengil chukha...". Because I was spending night at hers. Then we were chatting in the bed, with lights off, until around 1. I fell asleep maybe an hour after. Thanks to her I managed to control my emotions and so I wasn't shedding a drop of tears that night. Two friends sharing a similarly bitter love life, untungnya nggak pake adegan tangis tangisan, hehe.
Jadi dari tanggal 11-11, aku udah di Gading karena malamnya mau kondangan di Serpong (iya, Depok-Gading-Serpong-Gading rutenya...) jadi aku beberapa hari sebelum itu mendadak memutuskan menginap di rumah Lucee sekalian di hari H. Udah lama nggak ketemu dan selama ini cuma saling curhatan via wa aja. Dadakan, tapi Lucee ngabarin kalo mami udah ngatur ini itu, bikin aku merasa disambut, hihi. So I broke my driving record on 11-11-17, driving all the way from Depok to Gading to Serpong and back to Gading again on the same day, total over 100 km, and the very proud news is... I actually succeeded driving out of Depok, by myself, only guided by mbak-mbak GPS, for the first time in my life. That is.. for me.. one step closer to being an independent, mature 28 yo woman. Hahahahaha. It may sound so easy driving over 100 km in a day tapi yaaah those who know me, know me. I can get lost even inside a mall. So that was an achievement for me! The next day I drove back to Depok from Gading, also without causing a scene, all went smooth, and I was again, alone. Before this, I was once driving from Depok to Cibubur... notice Cibubur ok, it's only like one koprol away from Depok right... and I was driving with Mama. And we were lost together. Despite the distance, I still succeeded in getting us lost... to Pasar Rebo. Hahahaha. And another time, I was with my big sister when we reached TMII smoothly but on the way back home.. again I drove through the wrong lane on the highway... yang akhirnya bikin perjalanan kayak lebih lama sejam-an gitu. Kali lain, aku sukses nyasarin mobil ke RS Polri karena bingung sama instruksinya si mbak GPS. HAHAHAHA. Hao sha! You mei you bi wo ben de a?!
Tapi sebodoh-bodohnya, itulah proses. Itulah seaku-akunya aku. (APA SIH).
Sepulang dari Gading, aku nggak langsung pulang ke rumah tapi nyangkut ke Margo. You know, my second home. Pffth. Janjian sama dua sahabat SMA. I had decided that I'd stop wearing black and picked a yellow outfit instead. To be a new cheerful me on the first day of my new age! My normal self will wear pink or other bright colors when I'm going out, but a close friend of mine noticed that I recently tend to wear black or navy blue, all dark colors. Itu semacam nyadarin aku. Segitunya aku berduka ya? I disliked yellow but now I am gonna be a new me! So that is also why I challenged myself to drive alone out of Depok, and I made it, yay.
So I arrived at Margo. My mom at office texted me saying it's nice to be celebrating your birthday with others, not alone. I said no, just a normal hang out, nothing to do with my birthday, I swear not everyone is seeing someone's birthday special way like you. And she said maybe a surprise? I said no way. Then it turned out they really prepared a cake for me. And I cried. Sorry for being emotional but I can be touched just like that. I was sensitive, I was sad that day, I was teary while driving, with all the mixed emotions inside me. Lalu mereka siapin itu. Aku nggak nyangka sama sekali. Dan malamnya pun my another best friend, the fellow scorpion girl, gave me cakes she made. I couldn't do it on her day because she was on a certain diet, when I baked cookies that day. And her mom also sent me a cake as well as birthday wishes. Such a heartwarming family... Made me happier. When no one at your own home remembered... :')
Begitu pun tadi pagi, Senin ini di kantor. I told Maam last week if it's possible, I don't want people to notice my birthday. It could be my last birthday at this company, I am not welcoming this day enthusiastically, I will have no heart to be treating the others or receiving their birthday greetings. I am not gonna fake my feeling. So I didn't see it coming at all, that she had prepared a surprise as well....
All kinds of dramas are playing in my life, roller coaster emotions, hopes up, falling down, tears, laughter. Dan akan tetap begitu, karena life goes on. I just need to learn to appreciate and accept each thing happening, and to see things positively. Right? Learn more to accept qadr. I am now 28 and still so bitter (pfffth) but I will challenge myself to keep going on stronger each day. Make plans, stick with it, but leave the results to Allah. Keep praying. It's okay if you still cry sometimes, but do not ever blame God. Hei 28, salam kenal, dan mari kita jalani bersama hidup ke depan, sebaik-baiknya. :)
Friday, November 10, 2017
Midnight Secret
So what if I'm still sobbing in the darkness?
I've managed to be cheerful all day. I laughed and I filled the void by eating and laughing. Perhaps because I'm currently in the unallowed to pray period I am getting too weak. Please do not judge, I am trying my best to block this sorrow from destroying me.... But perhaps these tears have been my best friend they always come whenever my heart aches.
I've managed to be cheerful all day. I laughed and I filled the void by eating and laughing. Perhaps because I'm currently in the unallowed to pray period I am getting too weak. Please do not judge, I am trying my best to block this sorrow from destroying me.... But perhaps these tears have been my best friend they always come whenever my heart aches.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Stalkers
There are, sadly, a few guys that I know who were kind of obsessed with me. At least there were two (or three!!!) whose existences had become an extreme annoyance to me, so much to the point I even wished they were vanished from this earth. No, not that extreme, just please please please stay away from me.
I am not talking about the guys from my past that had confessed to me, all in polite and acceptable ways. Acceptable, okay..... I respect them all. You need courage to confess, so I appreciated it. Also, because I always agree that everyone is entitled to like just anybody: feelings are not something you can control easily, anyway. But if you are too dumb to keep liking someone and start doing dumb things like clearly stalking her/him when she/he has already made it so clear that you are not their cup of tea and will not ever be, even until the doomsday comes.... Then sorry, you are one helpless asshole. There are tons of girls out there who may be at the same level as you, and yes I am talking about your level of stupidity. Go chase them. Go stalk them. Stop being obsessed with me. You need to have at least... brain... to get my attention....
I am not being cocky. Those who know me... know me. I am completely aware that I'm no beauty and all, but fact is, there were quite a lot of guys who were into me. Let's admit that liking someone does not always require Yoona's level of beauty or a body like Sistar's members. Liking someone is all about getting the chemistry with the other party. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So I am saying that... well, when you like someone, you just like them. (So I'm not saying I am thaaat good that people confessed to me.) For me, you need to at least know how to make a good conversation with me, not like an intelligent conversation since I'm basically a simpleminded one, but just... be in the same level of intelligence as me. And sorry for being rude but the two guys I mentioned earlier were all very very very dumb I feel sorry for their parents.. And when my low self esteem comes, it is my own self that I blame, "what's wrong in me that people like them happen to like me...". So please... stop. Just stop stalking me. Are you even that idiot..... I am no celebrity, not a daughter of the president, I am nobody. Stop being obsessed with me, let me have a peaceful mind. I am already having a very hard time dealing with my sorrow, parting with a guy I love and getting hurt by the previous guy who happened to have betrayed me unintentionally. Let me at least have the freedom to express myself at least on my soc med, do not idiotically save my pics and videos out of your stupidity.....
If I set my soc med public, that is because I basically am an open person. I was always taught that women shall never show their beauties to public that it can attract men's desire. And that was why I did not ever show my face back when I first made Friendster account (yeaaa I am that old hahaha). Because, in spite of the inferior feeling that I was ugly, they made me believe that a good muslimah will not do let her face to be enjoyed by all men out there. But now I am not the same me as I was over 10 years ago.... Face is not aurat, I can show it to the world, and if anyone gets something in their mind only by looking at it, then that is completely your business. Not mine. I still cover! Of course it's not easy to completely remove the doctrine I had always been taught for years, and also since I tend to overthink.... But I am not the same Sarah as when I was at middle-high school. I have full rights over my soc med; I can make friends with strangers, they can start conversations with me if we meet by the same hashtags, vice versa. But you know what, dumb people will still be dumb no matter what. Never came to my naive mind before that the dumb guys from the past would still be stalking me... an idiot apparently will still be one no matter what. That is, sadly, one unfortunate fact.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Tonight
Tonight, I guess I'll be crying to sleep.
Because my heart is aching too much from missing you. Literally every day. And it gets worse at night. It's like going to explode. Tonight.
Because my heart is aching too much from missing you. Literally every day. And it gets worse at night. It's like going to explode. Tonight.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Kemana Nasib Membawa
Aku habis nulis surat pengunduran diri dalam dua bahasa. Tertanggal nanti ketika kurasa timingnya bakalan lebih pas. Sedih nggak? Banget. Lima tahun aku di sini, semua orang baik sama aku, dan aku sudah dekat sama "petinggi-petinggi". Jujur dari awal masuk, para manager sudah baik sama aku. Mungkin karena aku masuk dengan embel-embel "lulusan UI"? Dan selain itu juga karena (aku pernah dikasih tahu) mereka butuh aku.
Apapun alasannya, aku nggak peduli. Orang baik sama aku, aku akan 100x lebih baik ke mereka. Orang jahat sama aku, nggak aku jahatin balik, cuma aku doakan saja yang jahat-jahat. Lah? Hahaha. Balik ke kesedihan resign.... Ini adalah keputusan yang amat sangat berat. Dulu, satu tahun pertama di sini, waktu aku diambang kejelasan akan statusku yang dari kontrak apakah akan diangkat kartap, aku sudah siap-siap cabut. Itu pun aku sorenya sempat sedikit nangis di depan Bu Tari karena membayangkan bangun pagi keesokan harinya aku nggak akan ke TDI, perusahaan ini. Aku lamar di Carrefour Lebak Bulus dan kemungkinan besar diterima. Ternyata kemudian aku diangkat kartap di TDI. Sekarang... aku berandai, andai kondisinya sebaik itu. Aku resign lalu lanjut di sana, betapa idealnya.
Aku mulai lagi cari-cari beasiswa. Sambil lihat-lihat lowker juga. Sejujurnya aku ingin sekali meninggalkan Indonesia dan berkutat dengan dunia baru di luar sana. Selama masih di Indonesia, rasanya agak berat kerja di tempat yang jauh nantinya, andai diterima di suatu perusahaan katakanlah di Jakarta. Karena sudah terbiasa dimudahkan dengan jarak kerja dari rumah yang begitu dekat. Lalu di lingkungan baru, harus beradaptasi lagi... dari nol lagi. Kenapa aku jadi kesulitan sendiri kayak gini sih? Tapi masalah hati nih ya kalo udah kena di aku, bakalan panjang bener deh urusannya....
Yang aku sedihkan... selain tempat kerja ini dekat sekali dari rumah. Aku sudah kenal baik semua orang di sini. Yang tadi kubilang, semua baik sama aku juga. Kerjanya juga nggak berat. Bahkan sering aku dikirim ke Cina. Bahkan ada sedikit kemungkinan di masa depan aku bisa ditugaskan di luar Indonesia. Aku selalu senang sama idea penempatan luar Indo, lho. Selalu suka dunia baru. Memang sih aku sering demotivasi selama lima tahun di sini, tapi sebenarnya sekarang aku lagi di masa-masa keemasan. Eh gimana? Yah, ada beberapa rencana ke depan perusahaan ini yang aku sebenarnya pengen terus ada di situ saat satu per satu plan itu dijalankan gitu deh. Bossku juga baik... Intinya sih berat banget karena memang udah di comfort zone bangetlah.
Yang aku sedihkan... sigh. Aku dari awal pembagian seragam, selalu minta bahan. Bahan itu nggak aku jahit, karena selain malas, aku selalu berniat mau jahit bahan itu jadi seragam hamil. Aku suka membayangkan aku melewati fase mengandung di sini, seperti yang lainnya. Ambil cuti nikah, cuti hamil, kayak yang lainlah. Bahkan pak boss aku aja udah janji mau datang ke nikahanku, tanpa aku minta dia janji. Dia nggak pernah datang ke pernikahan staff lainnya, jadi aku merasa terharu. Aku anaknya emang feeling banget, gampang terharu haha.
Yang aku sedihkan... aku belum tahu kemana nasib akan membawaku selepasnya nanti aku dari TDI. Aku nggak ikut test CPNS kemarin, karena sejujurnya aku nggak jiwa PNS banget. Walaupun juga karena malas siapin dokumen-dokumen untuk test administrasinya, sih. Yang jelas sekarang kayaknya aku harus serius persiapin itu semua, deh. Untuk persiapan aja. Aku mesti ke kampus untuk legalisir ijazah. Lalu ikut TOEFL. Aku masih lumayan PD dengan kemampuan bahasa asingku sih, tetapi tetap di saat yang sama aku minder juga. Aku tuh cenderung devalue my own self.... Teman-teman bilang aku pintar tapi aku ini selalu realistis: aku nggak sepintar itu.
Masih bangun tiap pagi dengan perasaan hampa, dan tadi pagi saat nyetir pun aku bercucuran air mata. Rasanya kehampaan di hatiku ini makin menjadi-jadi kalau pas lagi dapet gini. Semua perasaan campur baur jadi satu, dari kangen dia, sampe kekhawatiran akan masa depan. Kebimbangan untuk terus di sini atau resign. Setelah resign mau kayak gimana hidupku. Bahkan kemarin aku masih konflik dengan mama karena mungkin aku PMS jadi sensi abis, Dua-tiga hari lalu benar-benar aku down parah. Sampe kemarin ini aku baking tiga kue dalam sehari. Aku belanja online baju-baju jam 1 dini hari. Bahkan tadi malam aku ditensi darah cuma 82/53, itu ternyata udah masuk hipotensi. Untungnya tadi cek di kantor udah normal, 110/70. Aku memang biasa normal cenderung rendah, makanya semalam bisa di bawah 90/60 (dan dipastikan alat nggak rusak) itu akupun kaget.
Sekarang nih ya aku masih merasa.. kayak lemes. Kayak ngantuk. Apa karena kebanyakan nangis? Tapi perutku buncit nih... Makan terus jadinya. Yakin ini mah paling nggak 2 kg ada naik. Huhuhu. Ini lagi di fase stress yang bikin nafsu makanku nggak terkontrol... makin sedih deh, hahaha. Disudahi dulu deh tulisan sampah ini, aku harus kembali kerja. Jangan meninggalkan kesan jelek saat nanti aku pergi....
Apapun alasannya, aku nggak peduli. Orang baik sama aku, aku akan 100x lebih baik ke mereka. Orang jahat sama aku, nggak aku jahatin balik, cuma aku doakan saja yang jahat-jahat. Lah? Hahaha. Balik ke kesedihan resign.... Ini adalah keputusan yang amat sangat berat. Dulu, satu tahun pertama di sini, waktu aku diambang kejelasan akan statusku yang dari kontrak apakah akan diangkat kartap, aku sudah siap-siap cabut. Itu pun aku sorenya sempat sedikit nangis di depan Bu Tari karena membayangkan bangun pagi keesokan harinya aku nggak akan ke TDI, perusahaan ini. Aku lamar di Carrefour Lebak Bulus dan kemungkinan besar diterima. Ternyata kemudian aku diangkat kartap di TDI. Sekarang... aku berandai, andai kondisinya sebaik itu. Aku resign lalu lanjut di sana, betapa idealnya.
Aku mulai lagi cari-cari beasiswa. Sambil lihat-lihat lowker juga. Sejujurnya aku ingin sekali meninggalkan Indonesia dan berkutat dengan dunia baru di luar sana. Selama masih di Indonesia, rasanya agak berat kerja di tempat yang jauh nantinya, andai diterima di suatu perusahaan katakanlah di Jakarta. Karena sudah terbiasa dimudahkan dengan jarak kerja dari rumah yang begitu dekat. Lalu di lingkungan baru, harus beradaptasi lagi... dari nol lagi. Kenapa aku jadi kesulitan sendiri kayak gini sih? Tapi masalah hati nih ya kalo udah kena di aku, bakalan panjang bener deh urusannya....
Yang aku sedihkan... selain tempat kerja ini dekat sekali dari rumah. Aku sudah kenal baik semua orang di sini. Yang tadi kubilang, semua baik sama aku juga. Kerjanya juga nggak berat. Bahkan sering aku dikirim ke Cina. Bahkan ada sedikit kemungkinan di masa depan aku bisa ditugaskan di luar Indonesia. Aku selalu senang sama idea penempatan luar Indo, lho. Selalu suka dunia baru. Memang sih aku sering demotivasi selama lima tahun di sini, tapi sebenarnya sekarang aku lagi di masa-masa keemasan. Eh gimana? Yah, ada beberapa rencana ke depan perusahaan ini yang aku sebenarnya pengen terus ada di situ saat satu per satu plan itu dijalankan gitu deh. Bossku juga baik... Intinya sih berat banget karena memang udah di comfort zone bangetlah.
Yang aku sedihkan... sigh. Aku dari awal pembagian seragam, selalu minta bahan. Bahan itu nggak aku jahit, karena selain malas, aku selalu berniat mau jahit bahan itu jadi seragam hamil. Aku suka membayangkan aku melewati fase mengandung di sini, seperti yang lainnya. Ambil cuti nikah, cuti hamil, kayak yang lainlah. Bahkan pak boss aku aja udah janji mau datang ke nikahanku, tanpa aku minta dia janji. Dia nggak pernah datang ke pernikahan staff lainnya, jadi aku merasa terharu. Aku anaknya emang feeling banget, gampang terharu haha.
Yang aku sedihkan... aku belum tahu kemana nasib akan membawaku selepasnya nanti aku dari TDI. Aku nggak ikut test CPNS kemarin, karena sejujurnya aku nggak jiwa PNS banget. Walaupun juga karena malas siapin dokumen-dokumen untuk test administrasinya, sih. Yang jelas sekarang kayaknya aku harus serius persiapin itu semua, deh. Untuk persiapan aja. Aku mesti ke kampus untuk legalisir ijazah. Lalu ikut TOEFL. Aku masih lumayan PD dengan kemampuan bahasa asingku sih, tetapi tetap di saat yang sama aku minder juga. Aku tuh cenderung devalue my own self.... Teman-teman bilang aku pintar tapi aku ini selalu realistis: aku nggak sepintar itu.
Masih bangun tiap pagi dengan perasaan hampa, dan tadi pagi saat nyetir pun aku bercucuran air mata. Rasanya kehampaan di hatiku ini makin menjadi-jadi kalau pas lagi dapet gini. Semua perasaan campur baur jadi satu, dari kangen dia, sampe kekhawatiran akan masa depan. Kebimbangan untuk terus di sini atau resign. Setelah resign mau kayak gimana hidupku. Bahkan kemarin aku masih konflik dengan mama karena mungkin aku PMS jadi sensi abis, Dua-tiga hari lalu benar-benar aku down parah. Sampe kemarin ini aku baking tiga kue dalam sehari. Aku belanja online baju-baju jam 1 dini hari. Bahkan tadi malam aku ditensi darah cuma 82/53, itu ternyata udah masuk hipotensi. Untungnya tadi cek di kantor udah normal, 110/70. Aku memang biasa normal cenderung rendah, makanya semalam bisa di bawah 90/60 (dan dipastikan alat nggak rusak) itu akupun kaget.
Sekarang nih ya aku masih merasa.. kayak lemes. Kayak ngantuk. Apa karena kebanyakan nangis? Tapi perutku buncit nih... Makan terus jadinya. Yakin ini mah paling nggak 2 kg ada naik. Huhuhu. Ini lagi di fase stress yang bikin nafsu makanku nggak terkontrol... makin sedih deh, hahaha. Disudahi dulu deh tulisan sampah ini, aku harus kembali kerja. Jangan meninggalkan kesan jelek saat nanti aku pergi....
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Hei, November!
I'm starting over now today, the first day of my month.
I'm talking about my body, though. Not my love life :p
So I've been binge eating maybe for the last two weeks, and now I kinda feel like I've gained some kg back. I don't even dare to weigh myself on the scale... I mindlessly ate all the nasty foods everyday until last night maybe like over 2000 kcal if counted per day :(((
I don't feel comfortable now I feel like my tummy and thigh have gotten so bloated... and also my face. So I've decided I'll get back on the track and now my focus is to lose 4 kg by my birthday.
Wouldn't it feel so good to be comfortable in your own body and look nicer on your birthday? And that means I only have... around 2 weeks... for that 4 kg. Ugh... Hard, I know. But I'm still going to give it a try! If I could lose some in the past, I can lose some more now, can't I? ;) Fightinggg~~~~
I'm talking about my body, though. Not my love life :p
So I've been binge eating maybe for the last two weeks, and now I kinda feel like I've gained some kg back. I don't even dare to weigh myself on the scale... I mindlessly ate all the nasty foods everyday until last night maybe like over 2000 kcal if counted per day :(((
I don't feel comfortable now I feel like my tummy and thigh have gotten so bloated... and also my face. So I've decided I'll get back on the track and now my focus is to lose 4 kg by my birthday.
Wouldn't it feel so good to be comfortable in your own body and look nicer on your birthday? And that means I only have... around 2 weeks... for that 4 kg. Ugh... Hard, I know. But I'm still going to give it a try! If I could lose some in the past, I can lose some more now, can't I? ;) Fightinggg~~~~
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