To Write is (Trying) To Heal

Sometimes I feel bad that I only come here when things are going rough. Maybe not everytime, but... most of the time. That sounds the same. Lol.
Like I kinda feel like this blog deserves much better and brighter writings, but my melancholic self feels like filling it up mostly with dark atmospheres. Lol, again.

Three weeks on in the new year, I've been trying to open my heart and to receive love, and of course to love back. And I never knew it would be this difficult. When I thought to myself that I might be having trust issues, I didn't really think it was a real issue. Until I discovered it recently.

I have felt betrayed even though it didn't really count as a betrayal. That was the case from a few years back. I don't want to live in the past and all this time I've been learning to let go of everything and move on completely. But what happened to me in the past, I can't remove it.

The heart wants what it can't have. People come and go, only a few choose to stay. And when the heart chooses back whom it wants to stay there, why must it choose someone who, again, you most likely can't have?

Setting aside all the imposibilities, and all the "minus points" I tried to figure out from this someone, I chose to believe my heart that this guy comes offering tremendous love for me. And when I can safely choose anyone else who has come offering the same amount of love to me, and may be even more sincere, I ended up choosing someone I might face a lot of hardships in the future to be with, only because again, I'm following my heart to choose him.

And then I got hurt again. Once... twice.... So I tried to lower my expectations. He may not love me as much as I thought he did, because he already made me feel like I'm only an option. But it doesn't even erase all the efforts he's done. It doesn't erase my feelings to him. So I'm thinking if this is just me being overly insecured. But I still can't find the answer. I'm starting to get afraid of losing this person but I'm still hurt by what I found about him might be seeing me only as an option, and not love me as much as he made me feel like he did.

It turns out to give your heart to someone, needs so much courage. It turns out that I'm still deeply affected by my past wounds. It turns out that I still haven't got enough courage to be what I really am, to choose what my heart tells me to.

I still easily get scared. By this world.



SH