Reminisce

Everyone here is saying I'm pretty. Everyone who has known me from before commented on how I looked even prettier and some even said I’d gotten thinner than my last visit.

Even the stores' owners will praise me beautiful and ask if I'm married. The next thing will normally go like “then marry to a Chinese, find someone here!” which I respond with, “Papa's not letting me”. Lol.

Everyone's saying I'm pretty, they seemed so sincere that makes me sometimes also think I am pretty, but whenever I look at that figure in the mirror, I'd go like “who's that girl they are saying pretty again?”.  Then her image appears… next to him. Pretty is in the eyes of the beholder. In my eyes, her figure is what can be described “beauty”. Not someone like me...

Yesterday I went out for shopping with my Chinese sister and the Indonesian guys.  Today too, another Chinese comrade invited us for some lunch. We are more than welcomed here. Not only on this visit, it's whenever I did visit this place, they were always so welcoming, and wanted to take me to hang out with them on the weekends. They are very friendly, making me feel like we've been knowing each other for a long time already.

There was this one pretty girl younger than me—I swear she is a natural beauty—that I just met at the halal ramen restaurant. We had a little chat and became friends instantly. We made a plan right away for the next day and promised we'd meet again at that restaurant and she'd take me to her house and to a historical place nearby for sightseeing. She lived with his grandpa and this grandpa actually took time to cook us some sautéed vegetables for me to eat for lunch.

Not long ago, it was in the mid of January to be exact, she asked me if I know how to buy the famous bird’s nest here in Indonesia. I instantly thought of that guy whom I was on process to move on from. Someone who made me feel like living half soul now, the guy I'd been longing for. I was hesitated for a second, and decided to just text him on Whatsapp. “What do I hesitate for?”  I thought, “He was always texting me too whenever he wanted, even in the states when we were separated.”  So I texted him, told him this matter. I still called him by the old nickname, nothing changed. And he responded just like how he used to respond me. How would I imagine that by that time… he was already taking steps to winning her heart…. Just how on earth would I have any clue that he… by that time… had been steps ahead of me and our memories. Just how on earth did it all happen…. 

It hasn't been a month since my nightmares began, yet already feels like a decade (I’m sure I can be so overboard at times….). It hasn't been a month but in a few days it will make it a month already. These weeks, how many nights could I sleep peacefully? I slept for 3-4 hours when usually by 3 or 4, I would open my eyes in a shock and then tears were following. And thanks to my women hormonal that I got even more emotional these days.

How can I sleep peacefully when he kept showing in my dreams. He was there with his girl, laughing at me who was standing from afar, watching them two happily spending time together on the beach. The other night, he came again to my dream, not with her, but I busted him handing someone a wedding invitation with his name on it. My heart was aching even in my sleep so I woke up and had a minute being in a daze, my eyes staring blankly into the pitch dark of my room. On a day I felt tired both physically and emotionally of these nightmares, I tried to take a nap to at least gain a little energy. But it was not even one hour upon falling asleep that I woke up again from a weird dream. I am very tired of all these….

He's chosen her. He used to get mad when I blocked him on socmeds back then whenever I got mad at him or whenever I decided to put an end to our story. But now, without me knowing it, he’s blocked me everywhere. I originally thought it was because he loved me too deeply so he needed to get rid of me from any sights possible for him. He used to love me so deeply, I am 100% sure I didn’t get it wrong. Deep down in my heart I still believe he still has the unchanged feeling for me… but if so, how could he be so cold towards me…. He’s slitting my bleeding heart to make it bleeds even more… he got mad at me he spoke to me in a harsh way. I know he was just being emotional too seeing my roller coaster emotions but he really did block me and ignore me right away anytime I started to mention his new girl. I’m bleeding more…. Where is the love that used to be very strong in you….

Why did he keep coming back to me in all these years but… when he really planned to leave, he never said a word? Why….

It's not his fault, I know. It's over between us. But how has he managed to move on that easily? Because he’s a man..?  I can never find another reason. It's me, the one who wanted separation. It’s him, the one who always put a hope. It's us, who were so much in love.

If you would check my status updates on my socmeds for the last 5 months… you could find a hint here and there that most of them are referred to you. It's you that I was longing for. It's you that never really left my head, my heart. A love that lies so deep like this, how do you expect it to just disappear within 2 months?

My memories of you keep haunting me… Do you remember last year, when I was already fed up with this no future romance of us… do you remember how you begged me and while crying, you asked me to give you a last chance. Then I cried too, sadly, emotionally, I was tired of growing hope for this relationship yet my feeling was only for you. We were crying together. Then you took me to your Cici's house and introduced me as a friend. I played with her two children. They were so lovely I fell in love with the cute loving little girl right away.

Baby… Do you realize that this little girl, ever when she was born to this world, you showed me her picture and she was too beautiful I showed it too to my friends. I already fell in love with her that moment. Now I could finally meet her in person, for real, not only seeing her picture. Now that baby has grown up to become a little girl with the same beauty, and even has had a little brother. We've been together for that long, baby. You were taking pictures of me holding her, playing with her, you recorded these moments excitedly. Then you turned the camera to the three of us, and you took again some pictures as if we were a happy little family. Do you know how happy I was, at that very moment?

Then we were leaving the house to have some lunch. I waved a goodbye to the beautiful little lady. Then she cried. So I carried her in my arms again and you asked your Cici to bring her with us too. You drove the car and I sit in the back with her. We chatted like she'd known me from before.

Then we had a Korean lunch. You were so eager to keep taking pictures with me. Then that day when I finally got back home, when I checked my phone to tell you I'd been home, I saw your Whatsapp profile pic was our pic together that you took that day. I panicked and told you to change it. I didn't want your friends to see that since you told me yourself they don’t like you to be with a non Chinese like me. Even if I'm a half. Do you know baby how I was holding myself telling you to remove that pic… You should know it cause I've told you for several times that I wanted to actually let them know that we were together. I kinda regret it now I should've let you just put that pic of us and let everyone know. My world knows you but not the other way around…. But for years of togetherness, it was only a dream even until today when it's already really over between us.

It happened just last year… We had the last and final broke up only five months to now after you came to meet Papa in September… You last contacted me only one month after mid of January... What kind of strength has gotten into you within one month, baby. We were suffering together all this while and now you let me suffer alone… I'm still drowning in tears like this in the nights… And I made you leave me totally and blocked me everywhere only within a minute just because I was losing control and so I showed you my jealousy to her…  What am I supposed to do now….

Even today, I still took the painkiller and it's not working. It has been around 6 hours but my head still aches... What am I supposed to do now?

When will I get back to being myself again…. I am so lost and draining of energy….

SH