That Should Be Me

Everybody's laughing in my mind

Rumors spreading 'bout this other girl

Do you do what you did when you did with me

Does she love you the way I can

Did you forget all the plans that you made with me

'Cause baby I didn't

That should be me

Holdin' your hand

That should be me

Makin' you laugh

That should be me

This is so sad

That should be me

That should be me

That should be me

Feelin' your kiss

That should be me

Buyin' you gifts

This is so wrong,

I can't go on,

Till you believe that

That should be me

That should be me

You said you needed a little time for my mistakes

It's funny how you use that time to have me replaced

But did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies

What you doin' to me

You're takin' her where we used to go

Now if you're tryin' to break my heart

It's working 'cause you know that

That should be me

Holdin' your hand

That should be me

Makin' you laugh

That should be me

This is so sad

That should be me

That should be me

That should be me

Feelin' your kiss

That should be me

Buyin' you gifts

This is so wrong,

I can't go on,

Till you believe that

That should be me

I need to know, should I fight for love or disarm

It's getting harder to shield

This pain in my heart

That should be me

The one making you laugh, oh baby

That should be me

That should be me getting your flowers

That should be me

Talking for hours that should be me, that should be me

That should be me

Never should've let you go

I never should've let you go

That should be me

I'm never gonna let you go

Shadow

Do you remember how you instantly became so happy until you couldn't fall asleep the night before I promised I would go meet you?
Do you remember how I broke your heart when I said firmly I needed to move on and insisted to leave you?

You begged me not to go... just like how I am begging you now to please lessen this pain you've created for me...

Deep in my heart I always want to believe you still have me.

But I know...

Even if I don't have much time left...
Even when I'm feeling extremely hurt....
Even if my wounds are still unhealed....

Even if... I died tomorrow....

You still belong to another woman. Another woman....
You're still gonna live a happy life with her.
You're still thinking of me as merely your forgotten past.

Nothing is gonna change.

But...
Even when I don't have much time left..
My heart still has only you.. it starts bleeding again that the tears start falling too..

But...
Even when my inner scars are still unhealed, I keep adding the scars to my arm...

And...
All you care about is only her. Cause she lives in your present. I.. only existed in your past.. the past you have forgotten.

Even when all your promises and each your words are still here in the bottom of my heart.. you have got over them all. And I am the only one left broken in pieces.. just like this.

Tears.. please stop flowing already.
Scars.. please get healed already.
Memories.. please fly away and don't ever come back.

God.. I swear for the million times, I'm in so much pain now.. will You please stop punishing me... I can't bear it..

Baby. Thank you.. I never had any idea you could hurt me so so much like this. You who always loved me.. but now you have her....

...

"Come on, please open your heart already.."
"Mom, I'm worried about him. What if he really takes a very long time to start his life without me in it?"
"You actually believe it? No men could stay being without women, trust me."
"But he is so different, Mom. What if..."
"...."

My Person

Do you know my heart?

Do my tears not tell you?

That as long as I've lived

And as long as I'd live

You are my everything

And you are my person

This love wouldn't get erased

No matter how hard I try to

To the extent my heart aches

This love wouldn't stop

Even if the world froze

I'd rather get even more hurt

Don't worry about me

Though it constantly hurts

It is love

I'm happy as you're mine forever

I cannot open my eyes

When you aren't in front of me

Flowers blossom and wither away

Like that night drown in tears

There's only fear

Even if the world turned its back to us

I wouldn't let go of your hand

This love wouldn't get erased

No matter how hard I try to

To the extent my heart aches

This love wouldn't stop

Even if the world froze

I'd rather get even more hurt

Don't worry about me

Though it constantly hurts

It is love

I'm happy as you're mine forever

Bleeding Heart

在我离开之前，能不能和你见最后一次面，我不知道以后还会不会平安回来....

This simple request yet impossible to come true, is what has been echoing in my mind. 

"Before I leave, can we meet once again for the last time.. cause I'm not sure if I'll come back safe and sound."

The last time I was in China, you were still there, baby. You kept checking my whereabouts, my condition. I could feel how you missed me around that time. I tried to answer you in a cold way, even if it hurt me. I didn't want you to keep thinking of me when we had reached the end of all efforts, when it was more than clear that all we could face was the impossibility for us to be together. I wanted to set you free so you could find happiness. You could become the playful you again, like how you used to be, long before I entered your life.

Last time I was in China, when it was cold in December, you told me I should've let you lend me that blue yurongfu to keep me warm. Now, baby, will you be offering it to some other girl you've chosen?

You know I get into a disharmony with my mama at home, a lot. You were always there, baby. I would run to you anytime I seek for a comfort. Yesterday when I wanted to run away from that hell, again, I realized you're not there anymore.. You wouldn't come driving all the way from your place to mine, like you used to. I couldn't get to the train and have you waiting for me at the station, like how it used to....

I'm leaving the house soon, baby. I'm leaving this country soon. Will I be able to bear my lonesome heart with your memories haunting me? With this heart that keeps wanting you back? Will I be able to come back strong and revived? I've endured several times parting with you and when it even took place in China, the same bedroom, the same pillow... But you're never really gone. You finally came back. You.. kept coming back. You.. who stayed in my heart for a couple of years and never really gone.

You.. who understood me the best. And I who knew you better than anyone else. 

Thank you for making me feel loved. You'll stay like that in my memory, for I could find no way to replace it with the version of you who've hurt me like this, you who have chosen such a beautiful girl of the same world as yours. The same world as yours.. A bitter ending that makes my heart bleed more. I'm such a potato and she's a goddess. Lol. I do wish for your happiness but right now, I still can't be happy for you.. sorry for being such a selfish girl like you admitted yourself, but at least I'm being honest....

SH

I Miss You

When I look at you, tears keep falling

I don’t know why

Did you go round and round

To come to me?

I can’t avoid this love

I love you, love you, love you

I call it fate

And I miss you, miss you

You are my destiny

Why are you looking at me

With those sad eyes?

Don’t cry

Did you recognize me right away?

Why did you come to me now?

I love you, love you, love you

I felt that it was fate

And I miss you, miss you

You are my destiny

Even if I’m born again

Wherever you are hiding

I will find you

Let’s never be apart now

Don’t leave me

Don’t leave me

Burying My Face in Tears

I really have no idea just how much tears my eyes are holding.

I've become myself again: I eat a lot, I eat emotionally. My friends who'd been saying Sarah was not being Sarah for the last several days, have found me being myself again. I laugh. I look for snack. I sing anywhere. I feel sleepy at night. I feel sleepy when working on my tasks. I ask for food. I joke around. Things I forgot to do since my nightmares began, I've begun doing them again. I've become stronger.

Well that's what I thought. 

Turned out...

I drove. I cried.

I went pass 'that' road. I cried.

I listened to sad songs. I cried.

I changed to happy and energetic songs. I still cried.

WHAT A CRYBABY.

Night came. I got nervous. (So this is why they call it nightmare!)

WHAT A COWARDLY CRYBABY.

I asked him to keep blocking my whatsapp so I can keep texting him just like I used to, before we parted. I texted him on whatsapp everyday so I could feel like he's still there for me just like how he used to be. Yes, he will never read them let alone respond. Yes, I'm deceiving my own self. Yes, I'm not supposed to be doing this. 

WHAT A SELFISH DELUSIONAL CRYBABY.

I keep doing things on my own just for the sake of making myself a bit comfortable so I won't be too painful. I know he's not mine, he has someone else that he cares for. I know I'm only a past he has erased. I know he's suffered enough. I know he's got nothing to do with me anymore. I acknowledge all this bitter reality. 

I know.

He's been in so much pain as well. I'd always been so selfish that he could now remove me easily. 

You, on the contrary, had always been there for me each time I needed you. So it's just normal that I'm having it harder than you for the time being. The sorrow is more than real. It's suffocating and I mean literally suffocating.

At times like this, when my memories about him seem just as clear as if they had just happened yesterday.. how he was happy being with me, how he always put me first.. then I remembered how he got mad when I begged him this and that after knowing he's got someone else.. That's when he was like telling me at my face "know who you are now please don't annoy me at all I'm gonna protect only this girl now, you're just my bitter past".. at times like this, when I don't feel like I could bear it anymore.. When tears keep falling down unstoppably and I just want to blame the fate.. when I realized I was wrong to think I had successfully let you go, when I realized I haven't really got over you.. it's at times like this that I feel like hurting myself more.. it's at times like this that I wished God would just take me away instead of giving me this longlasting memories that only turn to be pain.. it's at times like this that I can't even think straight.. cause no matter how much painful it is for me, I could never think him bad. All I see is only the good in him. At times like this.. I think I just have to hurt myself more..... God I swear this is too much for me. Haven't I cried enough tears already? Haven't I hurt myself enough? My heart's bleeding and unhealed but do I really need to be bleeding like literally so You'll stop the pain... I'm in so much pain... God... forgive me.. take this pain already....

"Sar, do you need professional's help?" my friends' words are echoing.

SH

仿佛如同一场梦　我们如此短暂的相逢

你像一阵春风轻轻柔柔吹入我心中

而今何处是你往日的笑容　记忆中那样熟悉的笑容

你可知道我爱你想你怨你念你深情永不变

难道你不曾回头想想昨日的誓言

就算你留恋开放在水中娇艳的水仙

别忘了山谷里寂寞的角落里野百合也有春天