Seberat apapun aku melalui perpisahan ini, jauh di lubuk hatiku aku meyakini ini adalah bentuk ujian dari Allah. Lagi. Karena Allah sayang aku. Aku ingin kembali ke jalan Nya, jadi Allah mau membuktikan apakah aku sungguh dengan niat taubatku atau aku masih gamang dan berpaling lagi.
Mungkin benar, kelemahan terbesarku sejak dulu adalah di hati. Hatiku lemah terhadap cinta. Cinta pertama sejak SMA, lelaki yang sempat mampir sejenak saat kelulusan kuliah, sampai aku mulai perlahan menjauh dari Allah dan meninggalkan Dia bertahun-tahun lamanya hanya karena seorang pria. Setelah gagal, aku menyalahkan Dia. Aku mulai mempertanyakan kenapa aku harus tetap di agama ini. Kecenderunganku sepertinya makin menjauh dari tuntunanNya. Jadi aku harus mengikuti kata hatiku atau kata Nya?
Jika kegagalan dengan pria yang kutangisi dulu membuatku jauh dari Allah, ujian kali ini rasanya berbeda. Entah kenapa aku merasakan ini bentuk kasih sayang Allah. Memang masih selalu tarik menarik antara suara kebaikan dan bisikan setan di dalam diriku, perang batin itu masih ada. Tapi berangkat dari keyakinan Allah sayang aku makanya mengujiku dengan perkara serupa, aku berusaha mendapatkan kekuatan terus untuk menunjukkan bahwa aku memang ingin kembali pada Nya.
Dalam beberapa bulan terakhir aku "gila" karena terlampau sakit dengan kisah yang lalu, aku kadang merenung, kenapa makin ke sini, aku makin tidak bisa sejalan dengan nilai-nilai Islam yang dulu kuyakini. Sepertinya makin aku melihat dunia, makin aku merasa Islam berat. Shalat 5 waktu, misalnya. Dan banyak kesukaanku yang kok dilarang di Islam. Contoh? Musik.
Lalu aku mulai berpikir, kalau mau kembali ke Allah, aku mesti meyakini dulu bahwa memang Islam adalah satu-satunya agama yang mesti kupegang. Biar bisa mempelajari ulang dari hati. Bagaimanapun aku terlahir muslim, dari kecil dididik secara muslim, dan hanya tahu agama-agama lain sepintas lalu saja. Jadi aku sempat sesekali mempelajari agama-agama lain. Syukurlah aku masih yakin terhadap Islam, dan selalu ada perasaan Allah memang Tuhan satu-satunya. Zat yang mencipta, mengatur, maha Kuasa. Dan itulah intinya Islam, tauhid. Jadi aku memutuskan akan memulainya dari situ. Sederhana. Sesederhana konsep ketuhanan di Islam: menyembah Tuhan yang satu-satunya.
Bahkan di saat-saat aku mempertanyakan banyak hal dan meragukan Islam, aku masih selalu merasa Islam spesial, bahkan cuma dari namanya. Sekarang aku mengembalikan keyakinanku: aku yakin Islam dengan konsepnya yang sederhana, sesederhana menyembah Tuhan yang satu, meyakini Nabi Muhammad sebagai nabi terakhir penyempurna ajaran-ajaran tauhid sebelumnya yang melaluinya Allah sampaikan ajaranNya. Sesederhana konsep beribadah yang tanpa perantara, yang hanya butuh mukena dan air wudhu. Cukup aku mulai dari situ untuk menumbuhkan lagi keimananku.
Aku nggak akan tiba-tiba berjilbab panjang, anti celana dan memakai kaus kaki setiap saat seperti dulu saat SMA atau mendadak berubah bergamis dan berjilbab sekaki dan mengaji salafi seperti yang saat ini sedang menjamur dimana-mana. Aku akan perlahan saja mengembalikan dulu keimananku. Kalau kondisi seperti ini aku dipaksa menjalankan Islam yang terlihat berat, aku mungkin malah akan mental duluan. Aku masih suka nyanyi, aku masih lebih suka mendengarkan lagu Korea saat menyetir, aku masih akan mendengarkan lagu saat mandi, dan mungkin malah aku akan mengangkat jilbabku. Tapi aku hanya akan menjalankan semuanya dari hati dan tanpa merasa terpaksa... Aku yakin agama bukan paksaan. Aku akan menjalankan semampuku, seperti artian doa pada zikir pagi dan petang yang beberapa hari ini mulai kubaca.
Yang terpenting bagiku sekarang, mengembalikan keyakinan bahwa Islam tidak sulit dan ajarannya sempurna. Sempurna, artinya benar. Bahwa aku masih mendengarkan musik karena aku belum sanggup menggantinya ke ayat-ayat Quran atau ceramah penguat iman (atau di kondisiku sekarang jadi pembeban). Bukan karena ajaran mendengarkan musik itu salah, karena konsep macam inilah yang membuatku merasa berat. Begitupun dengan yang lain-lainnya. Aku dulu menganggap "Jika tidak total, mending tidak sama sekali kan? Kalau mendengarkan musik haram dan aku berdosa karenanya, jadi mending aku sekalian tidak berislam saja? Kan jadi ga ada istilah dosa? Karena aku memang suka musik. Untuk apa menjalankan ini itu dengan perasaan oh ini dosa gue kayak gini, mana bisa orang hidup tenang dengan begitu? Sementara aku belum sanggup meninggalkannya?" Aku tidak akan tahan hidup dengan perasaan begitu. Jadi aku akan berdamai dengan diriku.... Berislam semampuku dulu. Akhir orang nggak ada yang tahu. Cukup doakan, jangan disinis-sinisi. Berislam dengan penuh keyakinan dulu. Bisa jadi aku suka musik sekarang tapi nanti ada satu titik aku jenuh atau dikasih peristiwa tertentu yang bikin aku sadar kenapa musik dilarang. Ajarannya nggak salah, hanya kita belum siap. Mungkin memang dosa, hanya belum sanggup kutinggalkan, Bukan mengecilkan dosa, tapi ini memang tidak sama dengan membunuh atau berzina, kan. Ada alasan musik dilarang, karena Allah lebih tahu. Aku masih mendengarkan, karena belum sanggup kutinggalkan, bukan karena ajarannya salah. Konsep macam ini yang sedang kutanamkan. Perkara dosa biar jadi urusan Tuhan. Toh yang kuyakini, orang akan ke surga karena rahmatNya. Menjalankan banyak amalan jika setengah hati, untuk apa?
Mengapa aku makin merasa Islam berat, mungkin karena aku makin cinta dunia. Wajar menurutku, karena kita hidup di dunia ini, dengan segala yang kita hadapi di dalamnya setiap harinya. Tapi kemudian, agama hadir jadi semacam rem atas besarnya kecintaan kita pada dunia ini. Karena jika menuruti keinginan manusia, pasti akan terus mengejar dunia tanpa henti. Mau kaya, mau hidup senang, mau pasangan rupawan, mau sehat terus. Padahal ada kekuatan super di luar sana yang mengatur itu semua, lho. Mau sehat terus biar bisa nikmatin dunia terus? Oke kita jalankan gaya hidup sehat, tapi tiba-tiba terserang kanker, kok bisa? Takdir. Tanpa keyakinan akan adanya Tuhan yang Maha Mengatur, aku nggak bisa bayangin bagaimana bakal kacaunya aku kalau terjadi hal-hal di luar perhitungan manusia.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
O Allah, give me strength to go through this trial.
You know your creatures best. You know how I am struggling. It is extremely hard for me. Please give me some miracle so I could overcome it.
Falling apart at nights, after trying super hard at days. Trying extra hard to ignore the stuffy feelings when he came haunting you with only all sweet memories. Missing someone never feels so heavy because you know you can't have it happen for real anymore.
O Allah forgive me for being this weak, for missing him this much. But help me through this misery....
You know your creatures best. You know how I am struggling. It is extremely hard for me. Please give me some miracle so I could overcome it.
Falling apart at nights, after trying super hard at days. Trying extra hard to ignore the stuffy feelings when he came haunting you with only all sweet memories. Missing someone never feels so heavy because you know you can't have it happen for real anymore.
O Allah forgive me for being this weak, for missing him this much. But help me through this misery....
Things You Missed... (2)
Hey, baby kid.
I'm getting stronger today but there's something I wanted to share to you yesterday. You know, like always. Look at this picture below:
I'm getting stronger today but there's something I wanted to share to you yesterday. You know, like always. Look at this picture below:
No you don't have no idea what they are :p
My father #1 at office (you know who we're talking about ok, don't get more count on FV!) once challenged me to eat the small round fried thing. I tell you that is called Combro, made of cassava and has oncom filling. Oncom is... you can Google it hehe. So usually Combro comes in bigger, like twice the size shown above, so this is mini Combro. So one day father #1 just got back from the meeting room and with his face expression like he just ate something crazily spicy, he was like "Sar, try the combro. Have you? They got this super hot chili paddy inside oh I'm burning, spicy as hell!" so I calmly said, "I ate, Pak. That is completely nothing to me...." a grin on my face. "Ah you sure? Try eat 3 of them!" so I replied, "I ate 1 and also the chocolate banana roll, Pak. Not that I can't eat more combro but you know I'm trying to watch my calories..."
That was maybe a week prior to yesterday. Yesterday in the monthly meeting, we had what's on the pic for snack! I was having difficulty concentrating during the meeting you know what, I couldn't mention the name of the next one to do the presentation right away, I was like, "...that will be presented by... (seconds of silence) Pak X." Hahaha. Yes I was gloomy yesterday, yesterday I was weak but today I've been getting stronger. So my lack of concentration was to blame you my weak heart, not because I was craving for the snacks ok....
So... well... After the meeting ended, Father #1 started eating the chocolate banana roll haha. He had had enough with the Combro, he said to the Marketing Manager when he told him he accidentally ate the chili inside the mini combro as he'd forgotten it had chili inside, "Spicy as hell!", he said. Father #1 then replied, "That's why I'm eating the banana." Then he just suddenly noticed me in front of him tidying up the projector and laptop, his eyes cheeky, and I got this feeling that he was going to let me do the challenge. And I was right. So confidently, I ate 1.... calmly. He was, "Did you throw away the chili inside?" Noooo hahaha. So I ate the second piece... even more calmly and carefully showed him bite by bite I ate. And finally, I grabbed the last piece... still needed no water... still ate it calmly.... and I really did not drink anything. Uselessly proud of myself *self applause*. "Pak, I honestly can eat the whole plate still without drinking, you know. I'm just watching my calories... haha" and he was still stunned and started to complement me, while the Purchasing Manager who knows me sooo well, seated next to him, had always tried to sell me since the first pc of combro I ate, "Pak, you just had no idea. When I cooked her food with to me highest level spiciness, she would say it wasn't spicy enough.... This combro is really nothing for her." So I won, but.... for no reward. Hahaha.
So, baby kid. That's a not important at all story I wanted to tell you yesterday... Noona was very weak, which would annoy you... But she's trying hard to be stronger. You won't read this, but Noona wants you to know that she was having a bad day yesterday, lack of concentration in everything, even hit her hip again to some solid things, which you used to comment "not because you're too skinny but you are clumsy". Hehe. Noona starts to smile and laugh a lot today, because she had got some texts from you in the morning, and because she keeps trying more to be stronger. She doesn't want to annoy you or disappoint you. But missing you every second is really hard for her... She still falls apart like when she was suddenly missing you too much in the lunch time she got teary again in the corner of her desk today.... Noona still finds no way to move on from you, she sometimes gets anxious from the thought you would easily forget her and find her replacement.... But she has no choice but to live on.... And tries to put more and more faith to the Creator. There's no other way other than letting God do His work on this, this is what she believes, the immature Noona who always thinks of you, mature baby kid.
A Pic to Recall (1)
Or should I say SV in this case. Haha.
You're so smart, I know you should recall to the same memory as what I recall, seeing this picture. I took this pic yesterday. Notice the rings position? What would you say last time seeing it?
"People will think you're taken then",
"I don't care....".
"But you are taken (put your favorite face here)".
Let me tell you. I am not going to change anything now even though you have let me go. Do not ever challenge me in term of loyalty... You may be gone, we may have been over, but my feelings remain here!
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Things You Missed.... (1)
Hey, baby kid.
I miss you so dyingly. I know you're doing just fine, maybe you're sad too, but I know I'm the only one who's bearing it so hard since you're a man and I'm the girl here.... I just won't ever deny that fact anymore, learning from my last experience. I just won't question again why men can have it lighter. Why won't they understand that every word they said to their women, will last forever in their minds. Thus we need more time to recover. And for me, I can never heal completely. Time makes everything better but it won't replace memories. I won't question such things again.... I just need to accept that women indeed are always the ones who left shattered to pieces. Men with genuine feelings may be having a hard time, but they always handle it quick. I won't question why though.....
I miss you so dyingly, but I know we're over, I know it's all my decision which you agreed at last, I know I can just text you still right now to tell you how I miss you, I know you'll still text me back, I remember even when I had made the decision, you told me you'll always be there for me. But I know it's not the right thing to do... to text you. You're a man of his word, unlike my ex. So I should try harder to be more like you. You challenged me to be strong, you said that so easily it hurt me, but I'll show you that I.... am trying.... hard.... but what can I do, I'm still me... I'm a woman of feeling.... And now I am missing you too much.
And I can't bear it today. Yesterday I was stronger but not today. So I'm writing it all here... things I want to say to you. Even though you will never read this. You don't often check my IG story so I know you don't even check my online diary here. But I will still pour my heart out.... I've always been like this.... Maybe you never know I have an online diary even though I told you once. Oh, what was the last count on the FV again? Forgetful you... who I love so much.
Do you remember you told me to take a picture in the dresses I was tailoring for my sister's wedding? I said no because they needed fixing. "Then wait until they got fixed ok", you said. This morning Mama asked me to try them on, but you know what, they are still so bad. We've picked very very wrong tailor. So I haven't tried it on still, haha. But you know, we are not in touch anymore, so... you will never see me in those dresses....
Speaking of my sister's wedding... Last night at home I found more stacks of her wedding invitations. Have I told you that my papa is inviting a looooot of people? Perhaps because it's his first daughter's wedding he wants to tell just everyone he knows. Haha. When I showed you the invitation's pic, you responded, "Where's mine?" like you would come if you're invited (putting your most favorite face here). That time I did not expect at all that by the time my sister is married, we'll already be strangers... It hurts to imagine that you know. So much. Not completely a stranger I know, as long as I am still here, we'll always have this employee-employer relationship. But will that make me feel better? You know the answer....
Oh. You know LKW is here right now, right. When you heard he was coming, you predicted that that one girl at office who idolizes him would be excited to hear the news. I told you that I hadn't told her. And you told me to tell her. What I haven't told you is I did tell her and as you've predicted, she was excitedly happy to hear that. Hahaha. You're smart I know, but you're also forgetful, but at the same time you've always amazed me by how you have selective memories of certain things. Like, how do you actually filter things you want to store in your memory? You seem to remember our first talks one night in March: like most of them, or maybe even all of them. But you forgot about snakefruit and about my rabbit. Are you really a complicated, multidimensional person? I'm also forgetful though you always said I'm thoughtful... but I do remember all things we shared!
Back to LKW, yesterday was his first day here at office and after full day of meeting, in the afternoon out of the blue he just commented on how I looked skinnier! He asked if I'd been on a diet. I said honestly, as I always am an honest person hehe, that I got stressed. The first pounds shed was because of the stress, but since I had lost them, I just continued trying for more weight loss. That's how I got my body now. And he ended up motivating me, "You should maintain this figure." Hahaha. Okay! At this time I just figured why you possibly turned out to like me: I've been getting prettier, right? Hahaha. Actually well you said so yourself, that I'm pretty even though I'm far from J-Lo (put your favorite face here hahah) whenever I doubted your feelings to me, as I don't find myself pretty whatsoever. By the way, even though it's all over between us, I still want to do those tasks you gave me.... everything. How am I supposed to remove you then from my heart? I never have any intention to let it happen but I did choose to end everything anyways. You told me to be strong whatever decision I make, and I always try, but the truth is, I miss you every single time.
Have I told you that I was so touched when you said sorry for making me going through another secret relationship, and you said you're being selfish when you asked for it, and that I could tell the world that we're in love if that would make me feel happy. You've called my "my gf", you asked me if I had told my friends that I had you. You said you didn't care how people will see us. But I do care....
Despite being younger, I always know you're mature. So mature that for the third time I asked for break up, you let me think straight about that and you told me you'd still want to keep going on but you can see that I'm always bothered by a lot of things. I didn't realize I was on PMS when I made the decision, sometimes I feel like I'm regretting it, but sometimes I also feel like it's indeed the right thing to do.... Sooner or later. The second time I asked to end this, you just gave me your favorite face and tried to convince me, that you believe we'll work things out in the end. But how could I believe that... I'd been in similar situation for years and I'm too afraid that this time too will end the same. So I really chose to end it. But I'm hurt.... You showed up when I had this deep hole in my heart and you began to fill it... Until that night when you confessed, I was stunned. I felt like I was in a Korean drama (this is what I was mumbling and you didn't hear it clearly and you asked but I said nothing hehe). I was flattered and even though I cried alone that night realizing it would be another test for me.... You came and offered me only happiness I always dream of. You listened to me, you comforted me, you showed me you care. Do you know that I always like your voice even long before we started getting closer? One day you called my name in the meeting room to move closer to your seat so I could translate for you. That's when I began to like your voice. Such a simple girl, I am....
I was helping with the translations and that was when I figured out... I'm wearing pink hijab today. It's your favorite, right. This is my new hijab I showed you the pic last time on the day I bought it. On the pic was several hijabs with different color and you took notice on the yellow one. You said the color was festive. See, if there's one thing (actually more than one you know) I regret from taking such decision is... I've learnt to speak in English naturally the whole time we're together. You corrected me, you taught me new vocabs indirectly, you called me at nights so I could practice listening. And in all those activities, there was love. How I am missing those moments... I'm really trying hard now not to break down.
I'm really going to try harder tomorrow but let me be weak again today can I.... I really miss you damn much. I miss you texting me in my afternoon and your dawn time, to only say you got awakened and that you had something important to tell me. You called my name. And that important thing was... "I miss you so much". I miss you who confessed to me that you spent 2 hrs in your flight back to your country looking at our pics. I miss you making me feel so loved.... Can I cry now?
I miss you comforting me when I was down, I miss you saying I love you to me. I miss your response "You can't love me more than I love you" when I said I love you. I miss you saying "I miss you more" when I said I miss you. I miss you calling me silly silly older little girl. I miss you comforting me when I was worried because we are too different, by saying "It's okay, I'll keep telling you it's okay, forever if I have to". Can you come to me again now to say those beautiful words? Pat my shoulder like you did when I cried. Tell me with that soft voice that's become my favorite, that it's okay, it's okay even if we're different. Tell me love conquers everything like what you implied once. Tell me my God will forgive me if I choose you. Or tell me you'll try to open your heart to my God whom I fear, which is impossible.... I should love Him more than I love you.... Love Him as much as I fear Him. But now it's only you occupying my entire mind and heart. What should I do. Let me be weak again just today alright... I'll be stronger tomorrow I promise. I've started reciting Al Matsurat this morning even I didn't get to finish it, and I found peace. So I'm hoping I'll really get better in no time, just like you said. Just like how you've been doing.
I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me.
Baby kid,
You're doing just fine I know.
But this ajumma is missing you too bad.
I miss you so dyingly. I know you're doing just fine, maybe you're sad too, but I know I'm the only one who's bearing it so hard since you're a man and I'm the girl here.... I just won't ever deny that fact anymore, learning from my last experience. I just won't question again why men can have it lighter. Why won't they understand that every word they said to their women, will last forever in their minds. Thus we need more time to recover. And for me, I can never heal completely. Time makes everything better but it won't replace memories. I won't question such things again.... I just need to accept that women indeed are always the ones who left shattered to pieces. Men with genuine feelings may be having a hard time, but they always handle it quick. I won't question why though.....
I miss you so dyingly, but I know we're over, I know it's all my decision which you agreed at last, I know I can just text you still right now to tell you how I miss you, I know you'll still text me back, I remember even when I had made the decision, you told me you'll always be there for me. But I know it's not the right thing to do... to text you. You're a man of his word, unlike my ex. So I should try harder to be more like you. You challenged me to be strong, you said that so easily it hurt me, but I'll show you that I.... am trying.... hard.... but what can I do, I'm still me... I'm a woman of feeling.... And now I am missing you too much.
And I can't bear it today. Yesterday I was stronger but not today. So I'm writing it all here... things I want to say to you. Even though you will never read this. You don't often check my IG story so I know you don't even check my online diary here. But I will still pour my heart out.... I've always been like this.... Maybe you never know I have an online diary even though I told you once. Oh, what was the last count on the FV again? Forgetful you... who I love so much.
Do you remember you told me to take a picture in the dresses I was tailoring for my sister's wedding? I said no because they needed fixing. "Then wait until they got fixed ok", you said. This morning Mama asked me to try them on, but you know what, they are still so bad. We've picked very very wrong tailor. So I haven't tried it on still, haha. But you know, we are not in touch anymore, so... you will never see me in those dresses....
Speaking of my sister's wedding... Last night at home I found more stacks of her wedding invitations. Have I told you that my papa is inviting a looooot of people? Perhaps because it's his first daughter's wedding he wants to tell just everyone he knows. Haha. When I showed you the invitation's pic, you responded, "Where's mine?" like you would come if you're invited (putting your most favorite face here). That time I did not expect at all that by the time my sister is married, we'll already be strangers... It hurts to imagine that you know. So much. Not completely a stranger I know, as long as I am still here, we'll always have this employee-employer relationship. But will that make me feel better? You know the answer....
Oh. You know LKW is here right now, right. When you heard he was coming, you predicted that that one girl at office who idolizes him would be excited to hear the news. I told you that I hadn't told her. And you told me to tell her. What I haven't told you is I did tell her and as you've predicted, she was excitedly happy to hear that. Hahaha. You're smart I know, but you're also forgetful, but at the same time you've always amazed me by how you have selective memories of certain things. Like, how do you actually filter things you want to store in your memory? You seem to remember our first talks one night in March: like most of them, or maybe even all of them. But you forgot about snakefruit and about my rabbit. Are you really a complicated, multidimensional person? I'm also forgetful though you always said I'm thoughtful... but I do remember all things we shared!
Back to LKW, yesterday was his first day here at office and after full day of meeting, in the afternoon out of the blue he just commented on how I looked skinnier! He asked if I'd been on a diet. I said honestly, as I always am an honest person hehe, that I got stressed. The first pounds shed was because of the stress, but since I had lost them, I just continued trying for more weight loss. That's how I got my body now. And he ended up motivating me, "You should maintain this figure." Hahaha. Okay! At this time I just figured why you possibly turned out to like me: I've been getting prettier, right? Hahaha. Actually well you said so yourself, that I'm pretty even though I'm far from J-Lo (put your favorite face here hahah) whenever I doubted your feelings to me, as I don't find myself pretty whatsoever. By the way, even though it's all over between us, I still want to do those tasks you gave me.... everything. How am I supposed to remove you then from my heart? I never have any intention to let it happen but I did choose to end everything anyways. You told me to be strong whatever decision I make, and I always try, but the truth is, I miss you every single time.
Have I told you that I was so touched when you said sorry for making me going through another secret relationship, and you said you're being selfish when you asked for it, and that I could tell the world that we're in love if that would make me feel happy. You've called my "my gf", you asked me if I had told my friends that I had you. You said you didn't care how people will see us. But I do care....
Despite being younger, I always know you're mature. So mature that for the third time I asked for break up, you let me think straight about that and you told me you'd still want to keep going on but you can see that I'm always bothered by a lot of things. I didn't realize I was on PMS when I made the decision, sometimes I feel like I'm regretting it, but sometimes I also feel like it's indeed the right thing to do.... Sooner or later. The second time I asked to end this, you just gave me your favorite face and tried to convince me, that you believe we'll work things out in the end. But how could I believe that... I'd been in similar situation for years and I'm too afraid that this time too will end the same. So I really chose to end it. But I'm hurt.... You showed up when I had this deep hole in my heart and you began to fill it... Until that night when you confessed, I was stunned. I felt like I was in a Korean drama (this is what I was mumbling and you didn't hear it clearly and you asked but I said nothing hehe). I was flattered and even though I cried alone that night realizing it would be another test for me.... You came and offered me only happiness I always dream of. You listened to me, you comforted me, you showed me you care. Do you know that I always like your voice even long before we started getting closer? One day you called my name in the meeting room to move closer to your seat so I could translate for you. That's when I began to like your voice. Such a simple girl, I am....
I was helping with the translations and that was when I figured out... I'm wearing pink hijab today. It's your favorite, right. This is my new hijab I showed you the pic last time on the day I bought it. On the pic was several hijabs with different color and you took notice on the yellow one. You said the color was festive. See, if there's one thing (actually more than one you know) I regret from taking such decision is... I've learnt to speak in English naturally the whole time we're together. You corrected me, you taught me new vocabs indirectly, you called me at nights so I could practice listening. And in all those activities, there was love. How I am missing those moments... I'm really trying hard now not to break down.
I'm really going to try harder tomorrow but let me be weak again today can I.... I really miss you damn much. I miss you texting me in my afternoon and your dawn time, to only say you got awakened and that you had something important to tell me. You called my name. And that important thing was... "I miss you so much". I miss you who confessed to me that you spent 2 hrs in your flight back to your country looking at our pics. I miss you making me feel so loved.... Can I cry now?
I miss you comforting me when I was down, I miss you saying I love you to me. I miss your response "You can't love me more than I love you" when I said I love you. I miss you saying "I miss you more" when I said I miss you. I miss you calling me silly silly older little girl. I miss you comforting me when I was worried because we are too different, by saying "It's okay, I'll keep telling you it's okay, forever if I have to". Can you come to me again now to say those beautiful words? Pat my shoulder like you did when I cried. Tell me with that soft voice that's become my favorite, that it's okay, it's okay even if we're different. Tell me love conquers everything like what you implied once. Tell me my God will forgive me if I choose you. Or tell me you'll try to open your heart to my God whom I fear, which is impossible.... I should love Him more than I love you.... Love Him as much as I fear Him. But now it's only you occupying my entire mind and heart. What should I do. Let me be weak again just today alright... I'll be stronger tomorrow I promise. I've started reciting Al Matsurat this morning even I didn't get to finish it, and I found peace. So I'm hoping I'll really get better in no time, just like you said. Just like how you've been doing.
I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me.
Baby kid,
You're doing just fine I know.
But this ajumma is missing you too bad.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
When Being Strong is Your Only Choice (1)
I have decided I will not react the same way as I did before when I failed the previous relationship.
I blamed God. I was hurting my own body. I cried an ocean... was so out of control a river wouldn't have enough capacity to hold the tears, hehe. I tortured my own self. I was so hurt, I was so helpless. I've gathered up my strength this time, and started to eat normal. One day is enough. I won't be drowning in sorrow like last time, and I realized my last meal was on Sunday afternoon before I started the break up topic with him. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday and I can't let my body suffer too much today when I have a lot to do at work. I am not repeating the same mistake again, this time.
I was breaking down yesterday so I decided to take a half day leave from the office. The previous night I was anxious and couldn't sleep a wink, so I was tired inside and out. I hate the fact that I can't get asleep whenever I have something heavy in mind... ever since I was little. So I went home and started sobbing again in bed... for hours. It was too hard to bear, losing love after I just began to heal from the previous wound. And the fact that it was all due to my own choice... yet I couldn't bear the destroyed feeling....
After crying too much I could hardly breath... I realized I should never again blame Him so I got up to take wudoo. I am not repeating the same mistake again! As soon as I opened the door, Ibu who I thought had got home, was standing there with teary eyes, and began to hug me, pat my back, "Cry... just cry... I will always pray for you, Dek Sarah. Like I prayed for Dek Hayyun. I've been listening to your crying sound, I know it hurts you too much, so just cry..." The fact she is a Christian but she sincerely prays for me felt touching. And I am sensitive to hug, I always love being hugged, which Mama never gives. So I cried even harder in her arms, "Ibu knows it already? Mama told you? I'm sad, Bu... I am very very sad..." and she just kept patting me. Then Mama showed up from downstairs, with Auntie. So Mama, Auntie and me got back to my room. I kept crying.
"You're so weak when it comes to love. Perhaps it's your biggest weakness. That is why God gives you another trial in love." I nodded agree while crying so hard helplessly. Everyone is tested differently, my heart said. My aunt, sitting beside my mom on the edge of my bed, trying to comfort me. "Sarah is beautiful, smart, well-educated, a very nice young lady, you'll find someone else in no time, okay?", she continued, still trying to get me to calm down. But this time I didn't nod, I didn't agree. I admit there are some guys out there who're still trying, but what's the point when I'm not attracted even the slightest bit? It's very hard for me to get attracted to someone and I always have this tendency to grow feelings to those I shouldn't fall for... now that it happened again for the second time.
Mama who did not talk a lot, not until my aunt left, "Be proud that he loves you, but be even more proud that you've chosen to leave him, okay?", I nodded. "You still want worldly happiness, Mama won't judge you wrong, because it is not, but please keep in your heart and mind that dunya is temporary. We Muslims believe in the eternal life and that's what we should pursue: the afterlife eternal happiness rather than deceptive happiness in this temporary life." Still sobbing, I nodded. "You always question a lot of things but you should know that there are things in this life human beings just won't ever comprehend. You believe in fate, don't you?". I nodded again.
Ibu came in with a glass of water in her hand and handed me it right away. After another hour of more cries, listening to them and responding to them when I needed, I did shalah Zuhr when Aunt had left and Mama went downstairs too. Lying in bed still in the praying outfit was me when Mama came in again. Now she began to talk a lot...
I blamed God. I was hurting my own body. I cried an ocean... was so out of control a river wouldn't have enough capacity to hold the tears, hehe. I tortured my own self. I was so hurt, I was so helpless. I've gathered up my strength this time, and started to eat normal. One day is enough. I won't be drowning in sorrow like last time, and I realized my last meal was on Sunday afternoon before I started the break up topic with him. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday and I can't let my body suffer too much today when I have a lot to do at work. I am not repeating the same mistake again, this time.
I was breaking down yesterday so I decided to take a half day leave from the office. The previous night I was anxious and couldn't sleep a wink, so I was tired inside and out. I hate the fact that I can't get asleep whenever I have something heavy in mind... ever since I was little. So I went home and started sobbing again in bed... for hours. It was too hard to bear, losing love after I just began to heal from the previous wound. And the fact that it was all due to my own choice... yet I couldn't bear the destroyed feeling....
After crying too much I could hardly breath... I realized I should never again blame Him so I got up to take wudoo. I am not repeating the same mistake again! As soon as I opened the door, Ibu who I thought had got home, was standing there with teary eyes, and began to hug me, pat my back, "Cry... just cry... I will always pray for you, Dek Sarah. Like I prayed for Dek Hayyun. I've been listening to your crying sound, I know it hurts you too much, so just cry..." The fact she is a Christian but she sincerely prays for me felt touching. And I am sensitive to hug, I always love being hugged, which Mama never gives. So I cried even harder in her arms, "Ibu knows it already? Mama told you? I'm sad, Bu... I am very very sad..." and she just kept patting me. Then Mama showed up from downstairs, with Auntie. So Mama, Auntie and me got back to my room. I kept crying.
"You're so weak when it comes to love. Perhaps it's your biggest weakness. That is why God gives you another trial in love." I nodded agree while crying so hard helplessly. Everyone is tested differently, my heart said. My aunt, sitting beside my mom on the edge of my bed, trying to comfort me. "Sarah is beautiful, smart, well-educated, a very nice young lady, you'll find someone else in no time, okay?", she continued, still trying to get me to calm down. But this time I didn't nod, I didn't agree. I admit there are some guys out there who're still trying, but what's the point when I'm not attracted even the slightest bit? It's very hard for me to get attracted to someone and I always have this tendency to grow feelings to those I shouldn't fall for... now that it happened again for the second time.
Mama who did not talk a lot, not until my aunt left, "Be proud that he loves you, but be even more proud that you've chosen to leave him, okay?", I nodded. "You still want worldly happiness, Mama won't judge you wrong, because it is not, but please keep in your heart and mind that dunya is temporary. We Muslims believe in the eternal life and that's what we should pursue: the afterlife eternal happiness rather than deceptive happiness in this temporary life." Still sobbing, I nodded. "You always question a lot of things but you should know that there are things in this life human beings just won't ever comprehend. You believe in fate, don't you?". I nodded again.
Ibu came in with a glass of water in her hand and handed me it right away. After another hour of more cries, listening to them and responding to them when I needed, I did shalah Zuhr when Aunt had left and Mama went downstairs too. Lying in bed still in the praying outfit was me when Mama came in again. Now she began to talk a lot...
Monday, October 9, 2017
A Vulnerable Heart that Pretends Strong....
I feel so weak. Literally. Here I'm writing again after several days ago I deleted this link to my blog on my IG (that again will be inactive for quite some time now), in the hope that only those friends who really care to me will read this. I don't mind though if random people find this, just please do not send me private messages judging me even if it's in a very nice and polite way. I am not opening my heart again in the near future... to new guys. I need my time alone, I am back to this stage where I do not want to enjoy life. I only want sleep. A very long one... that sadly is a very luxurious thing for me at this moment I can hardly get.
So... After a while, I took some pills again yesterday around 5 pm. It was Sunday but I didn't get myself on treadmill or any other light workout like I normally do. I just took shower and went to my bed with lights off and locked door. Deja vu? Only wanted to rest earlier to get rid of my bad thoughts and anxiety. But I kept awake until this morning, perhaps due to the headache pill I took a few hours later, keeping me awake all night and it's very tiring. I am extremely tired and drained emotionally... physically.
I was having a hard time concentrating on driving all the way from home to the office this morning. I started okay but then it was all blurry vision along the way. I arrived and parked too early and the thought of texting with him in my car at the parking area... made me burst in tears. At my desk, talking to someone, I couldn't bear this heavy feeling whenever his name was being mentioned or when I had to go to his office. But I still have to come on a daily basis and pretend like my heart is all okay... I have to bear it all. And I need to stay the least for another 3 months or even more until I find a new job. This is hard... Too hard. Gosh... beg your mercy this time is much harder to go through...
Last night that felt so long.... I listened to ballads, melancholic songs. I sang those songs. I prayed. But most of the times, I cried. God... Why do You give me another test like this. Wo zhen kuai bu xing le. This time is even 1000x harder than the last one. Two months is very short of time but for a sensitive heart like mine that's always craving for affection.... It means huge. It means another failure for me. I should've guarded my fragile soul better... Now I'm so dying inside.
I am lonely. I need someone but I always seem to fall to the wrong person. How should I love again? I have my dreams too, Ya Allah. But the more I'm dreaming of them, the more it feels like You are never going to bless me. Why do You make me choose, again. Did I fail on the last test so You're giving me a similar test now? I do not ever want to leave You. No matter how weakening is my iman in this deen, I still have you in my heart. I still come to You because You're the only God I trust. This time.... it is extremely hard for me.... I'm not going to cut my arms or thinking about leaving this world but it's like.... it's like I'll become numb....
This is me. I keep questioning a lot of things but I choose to stick with You. My hijab that I wear, even if it's getting shorter over time, I never plan to take it off. Mandatory prayers, even though I am not performing them as khusyuk and as much as I used to do, I still do shalah. I am a disappointment to both my mama and papa but I still choose them over my own happiness. I choose You because I want to keep You in my heart more than any worldly creatures You create. But I want happiness too, Allah.... I will never blame You again for my wounds but please show me I can get my happiness too in the end... will You.... I am sinful, I commit uncountable sins, I'm aware of it. But these wounds that I keep creating to my own self, is to show You I still try to make it up... Because no one could ever feel how deep my pain is but You know how I've been struggling by myself...
I'm on my PMS and I miss him too much, the one who finally showed up to fill the hole in my heart in an unexpected way... and I chose to leave him so that I will not repeat similar story with another tragic ending.... and this weak soul is starting to regret my decision... Please guard me, Allah.
So... After a while, I took some pills again yesterday around 5 pm. It was Sunday but I didn't get myself on treadmill or any other light workout like I normally do. I just took shower and went to my bed with lights off and locked door. Deja vu? Only wanted to rest earlier to get rid of my bad thoughts and anxiety. But I kept awake until this morning, perhaps due to the headache pill I took a few hours later, keeping me awake all night and it's very tiring. I am extremely tired and drained emotionally... physically.
I was having a hard time concentrating on driving all the way from home to the office this morning. I started okay but then it was all blurry vision along the way. I arrived and parked too early and the thought of texting with him in my car at the parking area... made me burst in tears. At my desk, talking to someone, I couldn't bear this heavy feeling whenever his name was being mentioned or when I had to go to his office. But I still have to come on a daily basis and pretend like my heart is all okay... I have to bear it all. And I need to stay the least for another 3 months or even more until I find a new job. This is hard... Too hard. Gosh... beg your mercy this time is much harder to go through...
Last night that felt so long.... I listened to ballads, melancholic songs. I sang those songs. I prayed. But most of the times, I cried. God... Why do You give me another test like this. Wo zhen kuai bu xing le. This time is even 1000x harder than the last one. Two months is very short of time but for a sensitive heart like mine that's always craving for affection.... It means huge. It means another failure for me. I should've guarded my fragile soul better... Now I'm so dying inside.
I am lonely. I need someone but I always seem to fall to the wrong person. How should I love again? I have my dreams too, Ya Allah. But the more I'm dreaming of them, the more it feels like You are never going to bless me. Why do You make me choose, again. Did I fail on the last test so You're giving me a similar test now? I do not ever want to leave You. No matter how weakening is my iman in this deen, I still have you in my heart. I still come to You because You're the only God I trust. This time.... it is extremely hard for me.... I'm not going to cut my arms or thinking about leaving this world but it's like.... it's like I'll become numb....
This is me. I keep questioning a lot of things but I choose to stick with You. My hijab that I wear, even if it's getting shorter over time, I never plan to take it off. Mandatory prayers, even though I am not performing them as khusyuk and as much as I used to do, I still do shalah. I am a disappointment to both my mama and papa but I still choose them over my own happiness. I choose You because I want to keep You in my heart more than any worldly creatures You create. But I want happiness too, Allah.... I will never blame You again for my wounds but please show me I can get my happiness too in the end... will You.... I am sinful, I commit uncountable sins, I'm aware of it. But these wounds that I keep creating to my own self, is to show You I still try to make it up... Because no one could ever feel how deep my pain is but You know how I've been struggling by myself...
I'm on my PMS and I miss him too much, the one who finally showed up to fill the hole in my heart in an unexpected way... and I chose to leave him so that I will not repeat similar story with another tragic ending.... and this weak soul is starting to regret my decision... Please guard me, Allah.
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