Aku Menua Lagi

Age is just a number, kata orang-orang. Kata seseorang belum lama ini.
Tapi aku bilang, even a number can tell a lot. Hahaha.

So yeah I just turned 28 yesterday. Hamdalah, sampai di usia ini. Nggak ada birthday trip seperti beberapa kali pergantian umur di tahun-tahun sebelumnya, karena partnerku sudah diambil orang dan bahkan sedang mengandung sekarang.

Last year on my birthday, I just broke up (like for the final one) after such a long complicated toxic relationship. I spent that day buying myself stuffs like shoes (I only recall shoes btw), you know, a birthday present from me for myself. Then I also went to Karaoke with another scorpion fellow, a best friend. I was not in a good mental condition on my age changing day last year. I can still remember it crystal clear, how I was having a hard time with Mama at home, because she was giving me lots of pressure... mainly because I did not like a guy her acquaintance introduced me to. She happened to like him so much, like he was the ideal image of her future son in law. But I did not. She was also trying to change me into the image of her ideal filial daughter. But I was not psychologically ready for any change at all. I was struggling so much inside.... Letting go of someone I had been so attached with, even when I knew I did have to let him go for my own good. And did she even remember my birthday? No.... But it's pretty much what happens every year so... no, it's really not a big deal for me.

Itulah yang terjadi lagi di tahun ini. Nggak satu orang pun di rumah ingat kemarin aku officially nambah tua. Kakakku Whatsapp, nanyain kapan pulang, bukan kenapa-kenapa, cuma mau ngamanin garasi. Hahahaha. Kentutlah, kalo kata Lucee. Dan di tempat dia inilah aku menghabiskan malam pergantian umurku. Dialah yang ucapin pertama kali, giving me a hug while saying "saengil chukha...". Because I was spending night at hers. Then we were chatting in the bed, with lights off, until around 1. I fell asleep maybe an hour after. Thanks to her I managed to control my emotions and so I wasn't shedding a drop of tears that night. Two friends sharing a similarly bitter love life, untungnya nggak pake adegan tangis tangisan, hehe.


Jadi dari tanggal 11-11, aku udah di Gading karena malamnya mau kondangan di Serpong (iya, Depok-Gading-Serpong-Gading rutenya...) jadi aku beberapa hari sebelum itu mendadak memutuskan menginap di rumah Lucee sekalian di hari H. Udah lama nggak ketemu dan selama ini cuma saling curhatan via wa aja. Dadakan, tapi Lucee ngabarin kalo mami udah ngatur ini itu, bikin aku merasa disambut, hihi. So I broke my driving record on 11-11-17, driving all the way from Depok to Gading to Serpong and back to Gading again on the same day, total over 100 km, and the very proud news is... I actually succeeded driving out of Depok, by myself, only guided by mbak-mbak GPS, for the first time in my life. That is.. for me.. one step closer to being an independent, mature 28 yo woman. Hahahahaha.  It may sound so easy driving over 100 km in a day tapi yaaah those who know me, know me. I can get lost even inside a mall. So that was an achievement for me! The next day I drove back to Depok from Gading, also without causing a scene, all went smooth, and I was again, alone. Before this, I was once driving from Depok to Cibubur... notice Cibubur ok, it's only like one koprol away from Depok right... and I was driving with Mama. And we were lost together. Despite the distance, I still succeeded in getting us lost... to Pasar Rebo. Hahahaha. And another time, I was with my big sister when we reached TMII smoothly but on the way back home.. again I drove through the wrong lane on the highway... yang akhirnya bikin perjalanan kayak lebih lama sejam-an gitu. Kali lain, aku sukses nyasarin mobil ke RS Polri karena bingung sama instruksinya si mbak GPS. HAHAHAHA. Hao sha! You mei you bi wo ben de a?!

Tapi sebodoh-bodohnya, itulah proses. Itulah seaku-akunya aku. (APA SIH).

Sepulang dari Gading, aku nggak langsung pulang ke rumah tapi nyangkut ke Margo. You know, my second home. Pffth. Janjian sama dua sahabat SMA. I had decided that I'd stop wearing black and picked a yellow outfit instead. To be a new cheerful me on the first day of my new age! My normal self will wear pink or other bright colors when I'm going out, but a close friend of mine noticed that I recently tend to wear black or navy blue, all dark colors. Itu semacam nyadarin aku. Segitunya aku berduka ya? I disliked yellow but now I am gonna be a new me! So that is also why I challenged myself to drive alone out of Depok, and I made it, yay.

So I arrived at Margo. My mom at office texted me saying it's nice to be celebrating your birthday with others, not alone. I said no, just a normal hang out, nothing to do with my birthday, I swear not everyone is seeing someone's birthday special way like you. And she said maybe a surprise? I said no way. Then it turned out they really prepared a cake for me. And I cried. Sorry for being emotional but I can be touched just like that. I was sensitive, I was sad that day, I was teary while driving, with all the mixed emotions inside me. Lalu mereka siapin itu. Aku nggak nyangka sama sekali. Dan malamnya pun my another best friend, the fellow scorpion girl, gave me cakes she made. I couldn't do it on her day because she was on a certain diet, when I baked cookies that day. And her mom also sent me a cake as well as birthday wishes. Such a heartwarming family... Made me happier. When no one at your own home remembered... :')

Begitu pun tadi pagi, Senin ini di kantor. I told Maam last week if it's possible, I don't want people to notice my birthday. It could be my last birthday at this company, I am not welcoming this day enthusiastically, I will have no heart to be treating the others or receiving their birthday greetings. I am not gonna fake my feeling. So I didn't see it coming at all, that she had prepared a surprise as well....

All kinds of dramas are playing in my life, roller coaster emotions, hopes up, falling down, tears, laughter. Dan akan tetap begitu, karena life goes on. I just need to learn to appreciate and accept each thing happening, and to see things positively. Right? Learn more to accept qadr. I am now 28 and still so bitter (pfffth) but I will challenge myself to keep going on stronger each day. Make plans, stick with it, but leave the results to Allah. Keep praying. It's okay if you still cry sometimes, but do not ever blame God. Hei 28, salam kenal, dan mari kita jalani bersama hidup ke depan, sebaik-baiknya. :)