Numb

I want to hate him for what he's done to me, but I can't. I just can't find a way.

I want to stop being pathetic like this but my heart is too fragile.


My 5 hour flight was filled with tears and it was uncontrollable. I tried to think anything else but if it was not him and his girl, it's the image of how I realized I'd lost my hundred dollars saving the night before. Like my punishment hasn't been over. My heart was aching unbearably. All I could do was looking down at the clouds out of the window and let my tears fall down. That's for hours. I was thinking to jump off the plane to find him just at that very moment, I imagined how he was so loving toward me and begging helplessly when I insisted to end it with him. At that very moment I knew he was mine, then. So painful now how it all changed.

I was all gloomy that day. And he still blamed me for being so weak.
Don't you remember how you were fragile too and I didn't blame you..
And I'm a woman. Don't you know I could've been doing more harmful thing to my own self but I managed to stop it. Don't you know that I've tried? Okay I'm being selfish again. I'm such a selfish woman, as you admitted too.

And you still blamed me.
Alright. I wanted to show you I am not as selfish as you always thought of me.
Today when I couldn't bear it.. for so many times already, I know. When I came back to my bedroom and my heart ached again, so unbearable that I couldn't stop sobbing while calling your name, when I was just about to cut my arm again. I realized I shouldn't do that, I wanted to let you know I could be wise too. So instead, I put on my sport shoes and left my room for some sports. I spent 1 hour and came back to sing karaoke in my phone.

But you were still cold.

No matter what I choose to do, you will never be the person I knew. You will never be the old you.

What was I to you? What am I to you now?

You never explained. You said I always got you wrong. But you never really explained yourself.

Where was the love used to be so strong. I am really lost. I couldn't care less to what's going on in my life anymore.

I miss the old you.

I'm catching the cold again I thought I had got better. Shit. Nothing good's happening to me. Even when I was trying to get attention from my own family, no one really cares. No one. Only you, but it's in the past. I miss the old you.

Please live a happy life, while I'm going to cut my arm again. The more it gets hurtful, the more I could give my self a punishment I deserved.



SH