Burying My Face in Tears

I really have no idea just how much tears my eyes are holding.

I've become myself again: I eat a lot, I eat emotionally. My friends who'd been saying Sarah was not being Sarah for the last several days, have found me being myself again. I laugh. I look for snack. I sing anywhere. I feel sleepy at night. I feel sleepy when working on my tasks. I ask for food. I joke around. Things I forgot to do since my nightmares began, I've begun doing them again. I've become stronger.

Well that's what I thought. 

Turned out...

I drove. I cried.

I went pass 'that' road. I cried.

I listened to sad songs. I cried.

I changed to happy and energetic songs. I still cried.

WHAT A CRYBABY.

Night came. I got nervous. (So this is why they call it nightmare!)

WHAT A COWARDLY CRYBABY.

I asked him to keep blocking my whatsapp so I can keep texting him just like I used to, before we parted. I texted him on whatsapp everyday so I could feel like he's still there for me just like how he used to be. Yes, he will never read them let alone respond. Yes, I'm deceiving my own self. Yes, I'm not supposed to be doing this. 

WHAT A SELFISH DELUSIONAL CRYBABY.

I keep doing things on my own just for the sake of making myself a bit comfortable so I won't be too painful. I know he's not mine, he has someone else that he cares for. I know I'm only a past he has erased. I know he's suffered enough. I know he's got nothing to do with me anymore. I acknowledge all this bitter reality. 

I know.

He's been in so much pain as well. I'd always been so selfish that he could now remove me easily. 

You, on the contrary, had always been there for me each time I needed you. So it's just normal that I'm having it harder than you for the time being. The sorrow is more than real. It's suffocating and I mean literally suffocating.

At times like this, when my memories about him seem just as clear as if they had just happened yesterday.. how he was happy being with me, how he always put me first.. then I remembered how he got mad when I begged him this and that after knowing he's got someone else.. That's when he was like telling me at my face "know who you are now please don't annoy me at all I'm gonna protect only this girl now, you're just my bitter past".. at times like this, when I don't feel like I could bear it anymore.. When tears keep falling down unstoppably and I just want to blame the fate.. when I realized I was wrong to think I had successfully let you go, when I realized I haven't really got over you.. it's at times like this that I feel like hurting myself more.. it's at times like this that I wished God would just take me away instead of giving me this longlasting memories that only turn to be pain.. it's at times like this that I can't even think straight.. cause no matter how much painful it is for me, I could never think him bad. All I see is only the good in him. At times like this.. I think I just have to hurt myself more..... God I swear this is too much for me. Haven't I cried enough tears already? Haven't I hurt myself enough? My heart's bleeding and unhealed but do I really need to be bleeding like literally so You'll stop the pain... I'm in so much pain... God... forgive me.. take this pain already....

"Sar, do you need professional's help?" my friends' words are echoing.

SH