Jealousy Incarnates

Tears... keep flowing down my cheeks...
Scars... are still open and not getting cured...
Pain.. is still the most loyal companion for me..

I smile, I laugh. I eat. My heart bleeds.

You kept coming back for me. Is this real now that you'd better give me up than seeing her hurt?
Am I not hurt enough? Had you been cheating on me even before it ended? My heart says it's impossible. But what kind of impossibilities still apply now that even when I thought it's impossible for you to turn your heart away from me, you've let me know that it's just possible for you. Only in two months. Or one?

Nights when I knew you saw my posts about how I was missing you. You didn't even care.
Even when I got ill, you didn't care. I was fine with that all. You took time too. You were doing all sorts of things I hated, I was fine with that too.

But baby. Will you ever understand how my heart felt like suddenly it got stabbed by a very sharp thing, when I saw that pic you're tagged in, showing you being romantic to some other girl? It still bleeds even till now. It didn't even take a minute to let me burst in tears in all denial. No... this must be his relative. No... he does like joking around. No... even if the caption showed it was nothing joke, I still believed it was not serious. You kept coming back to me. You would too, this time. I was assuring myself.

That's when all my nightmares began....
You know baby, I was still hoping you'd try to fight for me. As you promised me once, with your own mouth. I put so much doubt in you.. yet you tried to convince me. You were my world so how could I not fall for that? But after being rejected, and I thought it was the final, you're still there comforting me like "hey there's still a hope". You were still the center of my heart so how could I not grow hope again?

Then there's one time I texted you. As usual, I talked so long and so much, trying to get you also explain yourself more than only a simple yes or no or not even both. I texted you, mama would like to try to help. But how did you respond? You said nothing. What were you thinking exactly?

You never said anything. Whether you accepted the rejection, whether you'd still try. I always took decision. All along. Then you disappeared. But you always came back. Always.

But this time, you disappeared and I found the bitter fact....

And you blame me for being selfish.

I know, I am selfish. Have you ever spent time thinking that you have a part too.. in making me this selfish. I'm weak. I easily got hurt. I easily got scarred. You know that too well, don't you?

You always came back. You made me believe there's still a miracle hidden somewhere. You made me believe you could never replace me with anyone else. So I was trying to be stronger than you.. and wanted you to erase me and find someone. But how did I know that my heart still stored you.. even until you disappeared.

You wanted me to think of you who were suffered to? I did. I did, baby. That's what worried me the most. I kept thinking how you were doing. And that's why I kept checking your news. But now can I think of you the same way? When you've shown me on my face that that girl has stolen my place? How you blame me for being selfish and not think of your sorrow? I can't see the sorrow now, baby. I see you with her. And you've buried me. How am I supposed to not being demanding like this? You forget I'm a woman? An easily gets hurt one, on top of that. You forget that? This is the person you used to love dearly, including my weaknesses.... you forget that all?

Two months.. it has changed you. Since when did you actually bury me? Bury our memories? You never talked... It's always me.... Since when did you change your pass code that used to be my birthday? Since when did you change my name on your contact list? Since when did you erase all our pics? Since when did you decide to leave me and move on? You never gave a hint. You always came back....

Since when did you put the flower along with your stuff with her together as your profile pic? Since when did you leave praising comment on her pic? Since when did you stop liking my pic? Since when did you decide to tell the world that you have her now, and decide to never have me in your past years?

Since when did I become afraid of checking my instagram let alone being active in it?

How am I supposed to put my trust in men if even the most pure and honest man I ever know, turned to "back stab" me like this. My heart keeps bleeding... But you know what? Deep in my heart, you're still the good man I used to know so well. That's why this scar never gets cured. Do you understand this struggle of having to give you to her? Jealousy incarnates, baby. You chose to see  me dying slowly rather than her, your new girl, getting hurt. How ironic... my five years with you can so easily be on the same level with a two month's one. How ironic.... You whom I knew were someone in doubt, wishy washy. But now you can firmly stated you chose her. Oh, how painful. Has something happened between you two within the mere two months? It can't be... can it? ....

You know what.... I'm not gonna care to what's going on in my life anymore, I won't trust anything anymore. I'm letting this sorrow eat me up. I can't handle this....



SH