Loneliness

I'm a coward for loneliness. One thing that I'm afraid the most out of life is loneliness: to die alone. To live alone. To grow old with no one to talk to. (ZS)

How come when you feel you're strong enough that there's a cheerful smile on your face.. by the next minute it's turned to gloomy again. Is it the loneliness you've been trying to ignore? You're lonely. But even by the fact that he's got you replaced, you still have it hard to open your heart to a new person. Is it only the timing? You've tried a couple of times to let someone new in, but there's this wall inside your heart built by him, that unexpectedly, needs more time to be destroyed. 

All this time, you've parted with him for many times and now it's come to the final end. He doesn't even respond to you anymore since he's made it clear that you're now nothing to him and that he'd only care to the new girl's feeling. Your sorrow is none of his concerns no more, and you've seen how he wanted to let the world know that now he has this beautiful girl he's proud of. Your pride hurts. You who always believe you'd been his favorite person above all.. You thought knowing this bitter fact would make it much easier for you to start a new page in your life.. but now you realize you still need more time. The memories are still there. How can I have such a strong memorizing ability for something that should be categorized as rubbish already, and such a weak memory on important things? Hahaha.

Those years.. feel just like an illusion now. A bittersweet one. No one can ever understand why I could be this hurt now.. Not even him. I know it's not like he's cheating on me. I know he's not at fault. It's just.. where was the love? I still can hardly believe it that.. he.. ah don't even start, Sarah. After all, deep down in your heart you really want to believe he still holds that lingering feeling, right? Just the same as you. But then again.. he's only a man....

My friends are cheering me up, saying I could get someone much better than him, saying I'm beautiful too, saying I'm wasting my time crying over him like this. I know.. Past is just past. I'm still trying so hard to believe that God has a beautiful plan ahead, while slowly trying to erase completely all his traces left in me. And I promise to myself.. I'll be ready to open my heart again, one day, and I pray that this one day isn't so far away from me. 


Today, the sky is crying again.. pouring down to the earth like a harmony to my lonely heart.


SH