Disbelief

"Good morning.." I greeted her as soon as I stepped in the lobby. "Saar don't get any slimmer, will you?" Grabbing my waist, she continued, "See? Stop it already, you won't look as charming if this continues!"

At lunch break..
"How many have you lost? You have gotten thin.." she said. I replied, "I do?"
"Look at your trousers, it's obvious your thighs got skinny.." the one next to her responded.

They've jumped to their own conclusion: Sarah has been on a diet.

A day before..
"We're having lunch outside. Look at your face, where's the brightness I used to see? Have you been aging these days?" This was heard from someone who knew what actually I was going through.

Again. I never saw such a day coming. Me? Losing weight without any planned effort? It's as unbelievable as him who's turned into a stranger for me in just no time. Years I spent with him through a number of separations, tears, sincerity, happiness, sorrow, so many ups and downs. And now he's turned into someone I hardly recognize.. was it all illusion, you whom I knew, who filled my heart?

I had been worried too much over you.. as your repeating concerns of fear to living life without me in your world, were filling my entire heart. This night a week ago, gave me an extreme shock. It hasn't even been half a year since you last looked for me on Whatsapp, it was barely 1 or 2 months, when that night I happened to find a picture indicating you.. dating a new girl. That was when all my nightmares started.

That was when I started getting trapped in an endless denial. A week already, I've been able to manage my tears but my heart is still in disbelief. I can't ever imagine now you have turned into someone feels so unfamiliar. You who once loved me so sincerely and put me on top. After our final separation you still seemed to care.. I didn't see this coming at all.. that you are just like what they always say about men. I thought you were different. I didn't dare to predict that on the nights I was haunted by your image, and all the memories of you who had always been there for me.. you were actually having fun far away with a beautiful girl. No one should ever go through this pain. No one. But I'm experiencing this pain.. thank you....

Me.. who is known to be the kind who gets feared of any wound even if it's only a little scratch on the most upper layer of skin.. is destined to go through this mental pain... until last night when my blood boiled up a devastation I couldn't bear.. I was thinking if I still could feel a physical wound? I could find a razor so I was trying to cut my arm.. but I ended up only scratching my arm using it.. it bled... it appeared as two vertical lines and they bled... and I didn't feel much pain. My heart had it heavier already, perhaps?

Tonight.. I heard another shocking fact about him and was about to take the same razor.. to put another 2 lines from where the red liquid could be seen.. when my friend who understood my bitterness as she's been going such a nightmare, texted me on Whatsapp asking if I'm fine. Asking if I'm alone and no one's by my side. Telling me she cares. Telling me she'd like to come and hug me right away if she could.

That's the very moment I realized. I shouldn't add another scratch to my arm. All I need is someone who understands my pain and shows up at the crucial moment. And they showed up. She just showed up. The guy you once loved so deeply that now gives you this scar, won't even care to you anymore. I'm still in disbelief, a part of me wants him to stay in my memory as someone who I knew was a descent guy who loved me sincerely and would do anything for me.. another part of me is like being forced to accept that he's just a jerk who doesn't take even half a year (2 months perhaps) to have me replaced.. with some other girl who he even has spent a 3 day vacation with. A beautiful place with a beautiful girl. Can I just take again the razor? My heart is aching again.. I'm still in disbelief..


SH