Dear You....

Dear painkillers,
Dear sleeping pills,
Dear abdominal drugs,

Thanks to you, buddies, I survived these hella days. I left one of you and my nightmare came last night. Yes, I'm saying this to you my dear sleeping pills, I was all wide awake last night I thought I could make it without you.. I'll make sure I'm taking you again tonight :) otherwise, who knows which else of remembrance will come haunting me? Which kind of other jealousy will get to me? hehe.


Dear office mate,
I couldn't thank you enough for being with me without I even asked, caring for me day by day like I am your something that you can't live without, haha, with your big tummy carrying your baby inside you kept following me wandering anywhere after works, worrying I'd do something weird. You didn't have to say it, I pretended I hadn't noticed, but I had. You insisted me going to the canteen for lunch when you knew I'd touch none of the food there. I know I was there when things went super hard for you, so you are trying to repay me, aren't you? :p


Dear maam,
You are like my mom at office. Remember that hug you gave me instinctively when you searched for me and found I was hiding at the restroom bursting in tears? Patting my back while trying to comfort me. It meant a lot. I couldn't thank you enough..


Dear boss,
I'm sure I had managed to be cheerful like always but was it my puffy eyes that made you came and talk to me out of the blue? You knew pretty well about me who's a crybaby and like a father you came to motivate me without even asking what kind of problem I was facing. I pray that God pour you more blessing..


Dear my sister 2 year older,
I love you and you know it. Thanks for not telling Mama without I told you to not to, or else she will be sad and mad at me.. Thank you for spending one night sleeping beside me, at least I wouldn't feel all alone although my mind still couldn't be controlled and I ended up being awake the whole night, haha.


Dear my little brother I cherish all the time,
"Yayah,,, kenapa...." you saying this in a soft voice right upon me opening the door, coming home from office that very day, was like a little spoonful of sugar poured into a big big cup of black coffee, made it less bitter though doesn't erase the bitterness itself. I know you love me most :p


Dear Coco,
Our dumb bunny :p you did nothing but seeing your big innocent eyes while patting your fluffy body, could finally bring a little smile on my face..


Dear campus mates,
I was sorry I couldn't hide that gloomy face when we're supposed to be having a happy time. I was sorry I couldn't hold the tears and let you guys get teary too. Thank you for the karaoke, the advice, the concern and time to listen.


Dear campus mate over there who is going through the similar bitterness as me,
You know we can count on each other. I'll be here and I know you'll be there anytime.


Dear senior high mates,
Thank you for instantly offering time to meet in the middle of your busy schedule. Sorry I wasn't ready, I couldn't help being teary if we had met anytime around that. Thank you for wanting to come over to my house but I chose to let myself out at the karaoke instead. Does your cheesecake treat still valid? I guess by next week I'll be interested in food already ;)


Dear junior high mates,
I couldn't go visit you and your newborn baby. Sorry.. I didn't want to ruin the happy atmosphere at your side. Will make sure to reserve a time soon, darling. And for you, R, you've always been there through my ups and downs all the time I was fighting for this love. I knew you felt the same sadness as me when things ended up like this. Sorry for making you teary once again...


Dear Mama,
I went back and forth between wanting to pour out all this sorrow I've been struggling, but I know it will only make you sad. I chose to keep it sealed from you. I remember your bitter face seeing me sobbing uncontrollably on that night when he came to meet papa. You were there stroking my feet when I was lying on the bed doing nothing but crying helplessly, your eyes getting red and teary. I made you sad and I know you're disappointed not predicting I could be that fragile over a man. I don't want to let you see me like that again, this time.


Dear me,
See how many people care about you at their utmost sincerity. You lost one precious person and only left with uncountable memories of him, whether it's bitter or sweet, but you still have many other who care more for you. Your heart still aches, you are feeling helpless not knowing how to face tomorrow, not knowing what can haunt your mind. But here's a fact: he belongs to someone else now, face it, treasure the people who love you. Come on, you can.

It's the fifth day and I'm still fragile. I thought I've cried enough tears but in fact I still hold quite a lot of them inside my eyes. I'm still in denial, but been trying harder to learn that what came to me as a huge shock last Thursday night is indeed real. I'm trying much harder to let him be happy like I wished him to be, after the last break up. Sooner or later, someone else other than you, will be there with him, creating beautiful moments together and finally have their names written on a wedding invitation. Try harder to block this imagination for it's extremely unbearable for your fragile heart now, and admit it that he already found that someone.

It's the fifth day and I'm trying much harder. And whether it be next week, next month or next year, I will finally get over it.

Speaking of which, I'm leaving this country soon. All I have ever felt when I'm about to leave for China, was only happiness. It's like my second home already. How will I get unhappy? But this time, I don't feel excited at all. China, whichever the counties, reminds me of him. Being in China means staying alone in the room prepared for you. It will be another challenge for the fragile me, this time. But. I've challenged myself, no matter how fragile my heart might be, I must be able to bear it whatever it takes, and not cry a single tear. Anymore. Then I will come back home.. being the new me, without his trace haunting. Hopefully.


SH