Loneliness

I'm a coward for loneliness. One thing that I'm afraid the most out of life is loneliness: to die alone. To live alone. To grow old with no one to talk to. (ZS)

How come when you feel you're strong enough that there's a cheerful smile on your face.. by the next minute it's turned to gloomy again. Is it the loneliness you've been trying to ignore? You're lonely. But even by the fact that he's got you replaced, you still have it hard to open your heart to a new person. Is it only the timing? You've tried a couple of times to let someone new in, but there's this wall inside your heart built by him, that unexpectedly, needs more time to be destroyed. 

All this time, you've parted with him for many times and now it's come to the final end. He doesn't even respond to you anymore since he's made it clear that you're now nothing to him and that he'd only care to the new girl's feeling. Your sorrow is none of his concerns no more, and you've seen how he wanted to let the world know that now he has this beautiful girl he's proud of. Your pride hurts. You who always believe you'd been his favorite person above all.. You thought knowing this bitter fact would make it much easier for you to start a new page in your life.. but now you realize you still need more time. The memories are still there. How can I have such a strong memorizing ability for something that should be categorized as rubbish already, and such a weak memory on important things? Hahaha.

Those years.. feel just like an illusion now. A bittersweet one. No one can ever understand why I could be this hurt now.. Not even him. I know it's not like he's cheating on me. I know he's not at fault. It's just.. where was the love? I still can hardly believe it that.. he.. ah don't even start, Sarah. After all, deep down in your heart you really want to believe he still holds that lingering feeling, right? Just the same as you. But then again.. he's only a man....

My friends are cheering me up, saying I could get someone much better than him, saying I'm beautiful too, saying I'm wasting my time crying over him like this. I know.. Past is just past. I'm still trying so hard to believe that God has a beautiful plan ahead, while slowly trying to erase completely all his traces left in me. And I promise to myself.. I'll be ready to open my heart again, one day, and I pray that this one day isn't so far away from me. 


Today, the sky is crying again.. pouring down to the earth like a harmony to my lonely heart.


SH

My Common Sense

Even if I jumped off into a river,

Nothing would change. My destiny wouldn't change. I'd end up dying and get punished in the afterlife.

Even if I refused to eat,

Nothing would change. I'd still be a pig no matter what. I could never transform into a barbie whatsoever. And when it comes to love, physical appearance of course does matter, but it's not like something that guarantees the love will grow stronger and last forever.

Even if... I cut my arm...

Nothing would change. My pain is still here, my wound is still unhealed. You can only see the additional scars.. physically. But truthfully, scratching arm isn't as frightening anymore now. All I could do now is to calm down myself whenever I faced another shocking fact. If everything fails, though, it's okay for you to create more scars there on your arm. It's your body anyways.

Even if... I kept tormenting myself..

Nothing would change. He would never know. No one is reading this. Even if he is reading this, you'd only show him how weak you are. How sick you are. You're a nut. You've gone insane. And you know what? It'd only make him thankful that he'd left you this instant.

So I've started eating breakfast today.. I ate my lunch,. I kept doing everything that could get my mind erase him.. even if it only lasted for a while. And he's never really gone. And the pain came again. Repeatedly.

So I've stopped making red lines on my arm... I've promised them I won't. My friend even came to accompany me last night and wouldn't go home even when I was sending her off. Lol. Thank you, A.

But honestly, I can't really guarantee I won't create the sixth line, though. Sometimes my heart just can't bear it, too painful like it's gonna explode an anger and devastation and all.. Even I myself worry what I might end up doing if it happens later when I'm in China.. alone... in that big room...

So....

I'ma stop writing soon. No access to blogspot when in China, you know. I'm leaving this country with a deep scar, and the thought of being all alone over there, honestly gets me a little... uneasy. But anyways, I can feel that I'm getting a little stronger now. I believe I'm strong!

*then crying again in the corner lol*

SH

  

Shuhuan and Sumire

Shuhuan got a misunderstanding with Yiping. As much as he loved Yiping, something that came up as a misunderstanding had blinded him and made him leave Yiping instantly.

Yiping who was also in love with Shuhuan as if there'd be no tomorrow without him.. had been trying to clear it up but the hurtful Shuhuan didn't even let her start. Shuhuan went to the extend of going out with Ruping, who everyone knew had always been madly in love with him. It took no time for him to decide to get engaged with her.

Yiping who was still waiting in a hope that Shuhuan would understand her innocence, heard the news that came as a complete shock. Trying to pretend strong, she came uninvited to the engagement party. Ever since Shuhuan left her, Yiping had been weakened both mentally and physically. But she still insisted going to the party to show him she was strong. So she went. At the party, Shuhuan couldn't not pay his attention to Yiping. Until Yiping fell dizzy and was about to leave the spot, Shuhuan was following her without him realizing it. On the way home, Yiping stopped by the Xidu brigde, to see the sunset, she said. But Yiping who was half conscious started to climb the bridge.. and while singing, she said she was looking for her spikes. She always thought of herself as a hedgehog which only by having her spikes around, she could survive. But the spikes had been snatched away... by someone who ended up leaving her. At this time, one of her shoes fell down the bridge. Instinctively, Yiping jumped down to find it. And that's how she got back her man.  At this crucial time, Shuhuan realized the only one he loved was Yiping.

. . .

Sumire was a handsome man with a bitter love life from the past. His first love, Seri, which happened to be also his real love, with whom he'd spent years in a love relationship, dead from leukemia. After Seri'd gone, Sumire found a hard time to live, so long that when he finally "came back" to live, he wasn't really himself. He could never get Seri out of his memories. He could never start another love with another woman.

Until one day Yuri came to the family as a step sister. Yuri was so far from Seri by appearance: Seri was like a woman every man could dream of, but Yuri was a complete opposite. She wasn't pretty, she didn't have that model figure at all. But she fell in love with Sumire and was satisfied by only having a one-sided love. Sumire couldn't figure it out at first but unknowingly, he had started to fall for Yuri... who turned out to have Seri's personality inside her. He could finally love again, loving someone who didn't resemble his former true love by look but by heart. That's what he'd been searching all the time.

. . .

I am not Yiping who got misunderstood by the person I loved. No one got me wrong, and even if I was jumping off into the river and while he knows best that I can't swim, I would end up dying and he would still be with another girl. That's life, baby. I can't ask Qiong Yao to make it last forever for me and him, for she's not my life's director.

There's this one time when we were riding by a river that was rising up, I said to him I'm so afraid looking at the water. I can't swim. And he, half jokingly he said, no worries, you know I'm best at swimming, I will surely save you from drowning. Cheesy, you say? You don't know him enough then. He's not someone who knew how to say sweet things just to make his girl smile. All I could feel was my heart so touched I could shed tears that time hearing that. But that's just a past. A painful past now that I can't get rid of such memories off my mind. And my head still stores a bunch else, if you want to know. So can you imagine how hard it is for me at this time around. 

And he's not Sumire, either. Such true love only exists in a story human created, but the real life is directed by God. No such thing as having your heart closed entirely and forever, after you're left by your former lover. A man like Sumire never exists for real, and that's how it's supposed to be. Cause life goes on. Men are men, they are a creature that gets weak by beautiful women. As much as I'm hurt now by the fact he's erased me that instantly and that easily.. still, even if this was a story written by Akemi Yoshimura-sensei, I wouldn't want to ask the sensei to make him like Sumire. Him, the one that now left me wounded like this, I'd still want him to have a happy life even if it means he has erased me this quick. My wounds, my scars, this painful story which happens to be a bitter reality for me, will eventually be merely an episode of my life. A painful one. 

More than a week already since the first nightmare.. my heart's still aching.

SH

The Sky is Crying....

So hard. It's pouring down outside.
And so I am...

My writings should stop by the previous post I wrote last night. That was when I thought I had been stronger and managed to accept the reality. But for today.. just for today I'm allowing myself to show this pathetic side of mine once again.. to anyone who is reading this. I believe no one is, though. Lol.

I kept doing everything to distract my mind from that bitter reality, but all the images kept surfacing. I became weak again, and my heart ached again. So hurtful. Whenever I tell myself that I must be strong, that I need to let all go. I felt strong for a second and for the next moment, I felt so weak. I wanted to run to my God but I haven't got enough strength to do it...

I am only a weak woman full of scars, created by the memories of that figure.. plus the images of the bitter reality of him with his new loved one. The one that right now has been so far away from me, and has become a complete stranger to me. That figure that used to fill my world, and vice versa.

That someone I used to know too well. He's erased me completely and I'm still here.. alone and crying. Well not completely alone.. the sky is crying with me outside.

In his memories, I'm just no one. Even if there's a trace of me, it's an image of that ugly girl who is super annoying and selfish. Let me repeat, SELFISH.

Yes I am.. I look like I only think of myself, when I actually kept checking if he was okay even when we're not together anymore.

I always wished him to start a happy life with a new girl, but I never knew it would hurt me this much. I'm sorry you had been unhappy being with the selfish me before. If his term of selfish defines as "you can't see me also suffering here", well yes then I am a selfish one, since all I can see is him enjoying every moment with his new one now, in all ways I could hardly believe it is him. I know he did suffer, I suffered too, but in an instant, he's appeared as someone I don't know, and maybe it's just my problem here because I might get jealous. Not his fault, it's just me being sensitive. But hey.. if you're a woman, I never want you to put yourself in my shoes! Now you think I'm being over, but if you really are on my shoes, you'll know this is really just too much unbearable so better never do.

Now I'm left to him as merely an annoyance... a disturbance. Not the one he's cherished. This fact alone, is like adding more salt into my open wound that hasn't even begun to heal..  I won't complain, though. Even if he remains a good guy in my mind in spite of all these wounds he gave. It's not his fault, I repeat. It's my fault for being a weak girl.

This pain.. is really heavy to bear. It hurts more than the lines I've created on my arm. One.. two.. five red lines by now. At least having them here on my arm could create a different pain so it may reduce the pain my heart's feeling, just a little bit. That's what I'm feeling now.

I swear to God, this is extremely painful. EXTREMELY PAINFUL.

Even though I have no idea when it will heal, I always believe that day will eventually come. The day when I get healed. I hope it will be sooner than expected.


SH


   

Lingering Feeling

I.. was trying to accept the fact, that we weren't meant to be.

You.. wanted me to get rid of such a thought.

I.. kept wanting a separation.

You.. were trying to convince me, there'd be a way.

I.. tried to stay away from you.

You.. kept coming back.

I.. tried to move on from you.

You.. came looking for me.

I.. tried to make you understand that we won't do.

You.. begged me to give a chance.

I.. tried to make you understand, it's time to give up.

You.. promised me you'd try harder.

I.. put my trust for once.

You.. broke it.

I.. didn't want to let you go.

You.. kept coming back.

I.. broke my heart seeing you suffered.

You.. kept suffering.

I.. tore my heart seeing you got dispirited.

You.. begged for one more chance.

I.. tearfully wished you a happy life without me.

You.. said you needed time.

I.. wanted you to realize the time was passing by.

You.. said nothing.

I.. was unconsciously getting used to you who kept coming back.

You.. were slowly moving from me away.

I.. was making sure you're fine without me.

You.. seemed to be alright.

I.. kept forgetting you're a normal guy who goes by logic.

You.. have made it clear you are.

I.. tried to have you replaced but your image kept showing.
You.. appeared to have chosen her.

I.. didn't see it coming so soon.

You.. are not at fault.

One thing I know for sure.

I.. loved you dearly.

You.. never loved me less.

SH

Disbelief

"Good morning.." I greeted her as soon as I stepped in the lobby. "Saar don't get any slimmer, will you?" Grabbing my waist, she continued, "See? Stop it already, you won't look as charming if this continues!"

At lunch break..
"How many have you lost? You have gotten thin.." she said. I replied, "I do?"
"Look at your trousers, it's obvious your thighs got skinny.." the one next to her responded.

They've jumped to their own conclusion: Sarah has been on a diet.

A day before..
"We're having lunch outside. Look at your face, where's the brightness I used to see? Have you been aging these days?" This was heard from someone who knew what actually I was going through.

Again. I never saw such a day coming. Me? Losing weight without any planned effort? It's as unbelievable as him who's turned into a stranger for me in just no time. Years I spent with him through a number of separations, tears, sincerity, happiness, sorrow, so many ups and downs. And now he's turned into someone I hardly recognize.. was it all illusion, you whom I knew, who filled my heart?

I had been worried too much over you.. as your repeating concerns of fear to living life without me in your world, were filling my entire heart. This night a week ago, gave me an extreme shock. It hasn't even been half a year since you last looked for me on Whatsapp, it was barely 1 or 2 months, when that night I happened to find a picture indicating you.. dating a new girl. That was when all my nightmares started.

That was when I started getting trapped in an endless denial. A week already, I've been able to manage my tears but my heart is still in disbelief. I can't ever imagine now you have turned into someone feels so unfamiliar. You who once loved me so sincerely and put me on top. After our final separation you still seemed to care.. I didn't see this coming at all.. that you are just like what they always say about men. I thought you were different. I didn't dare to predict that on the nights I was haunted by your image, and all the memories of you who had always been there for me.. you were actually having fun far away with a beautiful girl. No one should ever go through this pain. No one. But I'm experiencing this pain.. thank you....

Me.. who is known to be the kind who gets feared of any wound even if it's only a little scratch on the most upper layer of skin.. is destined to go through this mental pain... until last night when my blood boiled up a devastation I couldn't bear.. I was thinking if I still could feel a physical wound? I could find a razor so I was trying to cut my arm.. but I ended up only scratching my arm using it.. it bled... it appeared as two vertical lines and they bled... and I didn't feel much pain. My heart had it heavier already, perhaps?

Tonight.. I heard another shocking fact about him and was about to take the same razor.. to put another 2 lines from where the red liquid could be seen.. when my friend who understood my bitterness as she's been going such a nightmare, texted me on Whatsapp asking if I'm fine. Asking if I'm alone and no one's by my side. Telling me she cares. Telling me she'd like to come and hug me right away if she could.

That's the very moment I realized. I shouldn't add another scratch to my arm. All I need is someone who understands my pain and shows up at the crucial moment. And they showed up. She just showed up. The guy you once loved so deeply that now gives you this scar, won't even care to you anymore. I'm still in disbelief, a part of me wants him to stay in my memory as someone who I knew was a descent guy who loved me sincerely and would do anything for me.. another part of me is like being forced to accept that he's just a jerk who doesn't take even half a year (2 months perhaps) to have me replaced.. with some other girl who he even has spent a 3 day vacation with. A beautiful place with a beautiful girl. Can I just take again the razor? My heart is aching again.. I'm still in disbelief..


SH

Men....

All men are the same. They think logically. They bury years of memories in no time. Replacing the old one at anytime.

All men are the same. Can't turn a blind eye to beautiful women. Finally fall for one of them in no time.

All women are the same. Being the ones at loss at the end.

I just can't understand the ways

Of all the men and their mistakes

You give them all your heart

And then they rip it all away

You told me how much you loved me

And how our love was meant to be

And I believed in you

I thought that you would set me free

You should've just told me the truth

That I wasn't the girl for you

Still, I didn't have a clue

So my heart depended on you

Although I'll say I hate you now

Though I'll shout and curse you out

I'll always have love for you

Because I am a girl

Been told a man will leave you cold

Get sick of you and bored

I know that it's no lie

I gave my all, still I just cry

Never again will I be fooled

To give my all when nothing's true

I won't be played again

But I will fall in love again

You should've just told me the truth

That I wasn't the girl for you

Still, I didn't have a clue

So my heart depended on you

Although I'll say I hate you now

Though I'll shout and curse you out

I'll always have love for you

Because I am a girl

I loved you so

Now you leave me in the cold

How could this be?

I thought that you Really Loved Me

Into the Night

I will pray that you're alright

You hurt me so

I just can't let you go

You took advantage of my willingness

To do anything for love

Now I'm the only one in pain

Will you please take it all away?

Never thought Born being A girl

I can love you and be burned

Now I will build a wall

To never get torn again

Although I'll say I hate you now

Though I'll shout and curse you out

I'll always have love for you

Because I am a girl

Kiss - Because I Am A Girl 

PS. Above lyrics are not 100% representing my current condition.

At least he never took me for granted.

Coming to My Sense?

妹：你要吃东西呀，不吃身体会吃不消的，怎么来中国见我呀，听姐姐的别这样好吗？

Last night after karaoke (yes I was still sobbing helplessly singing my nostalgic songs of him), checking my phone I found this message. It's from my Chinese sister. It reads "(Little) Sis, you must eat something, your body won't bear it if you don't eat. How will you come to China to meet me? Listen to this sister here don't be like this, okay?"

Must be "my mom" at office "reported" to her about my condition. I barely ate nothing at lunch break. On the afternoon a few hours before clock out, she called me on the phone: 

M: You better carefully listen to me, I'm not talking as a friend but as a senior to you.

S:  What's this about? 

M: Don't think much, just listen. Don't think I'm nosy, it's that I care.

S: Say it.... (started thinking what have I done wrong)

M: You better start to eat or I won't let you go to China. You've been like this for 5 days already, if you keep doing this, by the time you go to China you'd collapse and getting infused instead. You want it to be like that?

S: (.. she randomly called me just to tell me to eat? lol) It's not like I don't eat at all, I still eat, Maam... I just have no appetite..

M: Don't even start. I don't care appetite thingy, you must eat like normal.   

S: Then buy me the ticket first (to China), then I'll eat normal. 

M: No way. I'm telling your sister to cancel this trip. You know you're slowly killing yourself right, being like this?

S: Let it be..

M: Watch your mouth. I'm telling your sister to cancel this trip if you don't start eating normally. If that's not enough, I'll tell your boss too tomorrow in the management meeting.

S: Ah, don't! Okay you know I'm going out with my friend tonight, right? She promised me she'll feed me. I'll eat. I will.

M: Are you a baby she needs to feed? *laugh*

S: Whatever, Mam.. I didn't ask her anything, she said she wanted to treat me, I said I still don't feel like eating and she said she'd feed me :p

M: Whatever. I'll tell her to better make you eat and provide me the proof.

S: Like you knew her number :p

Right after the conversation ended, I spent a minute "contemplating": is this me, she has just talked to? Sarah, who likes food better than anyone else? Sarah, who can't stop munching? Is that me.. how many days again she said? 5 days? I can't believe it.

So that night, I ate for the first time in the last 5 days like a.. an almost normal person. It's still a little hard to munch let alone enjoy the food, but I managed to eat up almost one piece of chicken warp. That's all. Oh and a stick of french fries. I never imagined before that such a day when I have difficulty enjoying food, would come in my life...

So from today on, realizing I need to survive so that I could go meet my sister in China, although I still haven't managed to get rid of his remembrance and all the painful imagination of him with his new girl, I've decided to try even much harder to accept the fact... 

... the fact that he has erased me from his heart and his memory. Get rid of that remembrance when he helplessly said he couldn't erase you, baby. It's only an illusion now.

The fact that I'm the only one getting hurt when the other party is replacing me with someone else younger prettier than me.. and celebrating his new happy life with her.. without spending a minute thinking how am I doing.

The fact that he'd chosen her and remove me. (I swear writing this is like sprinkling salt over my open wound...)

The fact that he, no matter how I was so convinced he was different, but turns out is still a normal guy who has fallen for a beautiful girl this fast.. this fast....  

The fact that my mum was right when I said to her "I'm worried if he really takes 2 years to get a new girl" and her expression was like "do you actually buy that? not a man in this world will be able to refuse girls, even when his one eye is crying over a woman, his other eye is already searching for another one". LOL. She is so true. I said to her "but he is different, he is more than sincere to me.." Oh I was such a fool... (but here's a secret fact: I still believe he's a good guy after all.. can I be more pathetic?)

And most of all,

The fact that you and him are just not destined to be together whatever happens.

Well, life goes on. He has her now. You? You have none. Lol. (You have your God, Sarah. I know, I know...)

SH

Dear You....

Dear painkillers,
Dear sleeping pills,
Dear abdominal drugs,

Thanks to you, buddies, I survived these hella days. I left one of you and my nightmare came last night. Yes, I'm saying this to you my dear sleeping pills, I was all wide awake last night I thought I could make it without you.. I'll make sure I'm taking you again tonight :) otherwise, who knows which else of remembrance will come haunting me? Which kind of other jealousy will get to me? hehe.


Dear office mate,
I couldn't thank you enough for being with me without I even asked, caring for me day by day like I am your something that you can't live without, haha, with your big tummy carrying your baby inside you kept following me wandering anywhere after works, worrying I'd do something weird. You didn't have to say it, I pretended I hadn't noticed, but I had. You insisted me going to the canteen for lunch when you knew I'd touch none of the food there. I know I was there when things went super hard for you, so you are trying to repay me, aren't you? :p


Dear maam,
You are like my mom at office. Remember that hug you gave me instinctively when you searched for me and found I was hiding at the restroom bursting in tears? Patting my back while trying to comfort me. It meant a lot. I couldn't thank you enough..


Dear boss,
I'm sure I had managed to be cheerful like always but was it my puffy eyes that made you came and talk to me out of the blue? You knew pretty well about me who's a crybaby and like a father you came to motivate me without even asking what kind of problem I was facing. I pray that God pour you more blessing..


Dear my sister 2 year older,
I love you and you know it. Thanks for not telling Mama without I told you to not to, or else she will be sad and mad at me.. Thank you for spending one night sleeping beside me, at least I wouldn't feel all alone although my mind still couldn't be controlled and I ended up being awake the whole night, haha.


Dear my little brother I cherish all the time,
"Yayah,,, kenapa...." you saying this in a soft voice right upon me opening the door, coming home from office that very day, was like a little spoonful of sugar poured into a big big cup of black coffee, made it less bitter though doesn't erase the bitterness itself. I know you love me most :p


Dear Coco,
Our dumb bunny :p you did nothing but seeing your big innocent eyes while patting your fluffy body, could finally bring a little smile on my face..


Dear campus mates,
I was sorry I couldn't hide that gloomy face when we're supposed to be having a happy time. I was sorry I couldn't hold the tears and let you guys get teary too. Thank you for the karaoke, the advice, the concern and time to listen.


Dear campus mate over there who is going through the similar bitterness as me,
You know we can count on each other. I'll be here and I know you'll be there anytime.


Dear senior high mates,
Thank you for instantly offering time to meet in the middle of your busy schedule. Sorry I wasn't ready, I couldn't help being teary if we had met anytime around that. Thank you for wanting to come over to my house but I chose to let myself out at the karaoke instead. Does your cheesecake treat still valid? I guess by next week I'll be interested in food already ;)


Dear junior high mates,
I couldn't go visit you and your newborn baby. Sorry.. I didn't want to ruin the happy atmosphere at your side. Will make sure to reserve a time soon, darling. And for you, R, you've always been there through my ups and downs all the time I was fighting for this love. I knew you felt the same sadness as me when things ended up like this. Sorry for making you teary once again...


Dear Mama,
I went back and forth between wanting to pour out all this sorrow I've been struggling, but I know it will only make you sad. I chose to keep it sealed from you. I remember your bitter face seeing me sobbing uncontrollably on that night when he came to meet papa. You were there stroking my feet when I was lying on the bed doing nothing but crying helplessly, your eyes getting red and teary. I made you sad and I know you're disappointed not predicting I could be that fragile over a man. I don't want to let you see me like that again, this time.


Dear me,
See how many people care about you at their utmost sincerity. You lost one precious person and only left with uncountable memories of him, whether it's bitter or sweet, but you still have many other who care more for you. Your heart still aches, you are feeling helpless not knowing how to face tomorrow, not knowing what can haunt your mind. But here's a fact: he belongs to someone else now, face it, treasure the people who love you. Come on, you can.

It's the fifth day and I'm still fragile. I thought I've cried enough tears but in fact I still hold quite a lot of them inside my eyes. I'm still in denial, but been trying harder to learn that what came to me as a huge shock last Thursday night is indeed real. I'm trying much harder to let him be happy like I wished him to be, after the last break up. Sooner or later, someone else other than you, will be there with him, creating beautiful moments together and finally have their names written on a wedding invitation. Try harder to block this imagination for it's extremely unbearable for your fragile heart now, and admit it that he already found that someone.

It's the fifth day and I'm trying much harder. And whether it be next week, next month or next year, I will finally get over it.

Speaking of which, I'm leaving this country soon. All I have ever felt when I'm about to leave for China, was only happiness. It's like my second home already. How will I get unhappy? But this time, I don't feel excited at all. China, whichever the counties, reminds me of him. Being in China means staying alone in the room prepared for you. It will be another challenge for the fragile me, this time. But. I've challenged myself, no matter how fragile my heart might be, I must be able to bear it whatever it takes, and not cry a single tear. Anymore. Then I will come back home.. being the new me, without his trace haunting. Hopefully.


SH    

It's All Thanks to You....

That I experienced this bitterness..
I never blame you. It's just my sorrowful heart blocking my logic mind.
To yesterday, I didn't want to talk about logic, cause all I could feel was bitterness.

It's the fourth day and I'm feeling a slightly better, of course my heart still stings every now and then, no matter what I am doing. Talking with friends, laughing with them, it stings, and it stings more when I have nothing in mind. You may say I'm too much, but none could understand this until they experience it themselves. Of course since I'm quite a melancholic dominant so it will be much more unbearable for me than those who aren't.

Last three days, I lost appetite. If you know me very well, I'm someone who even takes fried rice as a snack, I'm that kind who never not want to chew, I'm the type to still want to eat even when I am being hospitalized. In short, I love food so hugely much. Seems I loved him more than my love to food, by the third day, I lost 2 kg. I should be happy but I could feel nothing but pain. Singing got me better, and now I'm trying to put more focus to strengthen my spiritual life. Well take times, but I'm going to that direction. I've decided not to blame God nor anyone.

Last three days, there was not a single day I didn't take Mefinal. My head ached. For two nights I couldn't sleep since my heart was so heavy and aching, I could see the images of him doing sweet things with his new one when my eyes were closed. So the third night, when I couldn't bear it, I asked my sister to bring me some sleeping pills. And thankfully last night I could have 5 hour sleep. Starting today I feel my stomach aching, as far as I'm understanding my own body, I'm not someone with gastric problems but I think I'm taking some medicine for this when I get back home. I still don't feel like eating food.

You know, I always thought that one can't really go through something this bad to the point they lose appetite and feel the heart aching. The melancholic songs, the sad dramas, I thought it was all purely made up. But it turns out that the dramas and songs are made up of reality. Some people actually go through love bitterness and experience these hardships.

It's the fourth day.
My heart still stings. Very much.


SH

 

It's Over When... It's Over

Yesterday seems so far away from today, yet feels so close.

Far, since I couldn't fall asleep up to this morning and this time when I'm typing this.

Close, since the shock from yesterday still leaves a hint here and there in my heart. My tears that was bursting uncontrollably could stop for a while, then it comes out again. Oh, could I be even more pathetic than I am now?

Why does this feel so very hard. All of this that happens now is due to my own choice. My scars that I have now are all due to my own choice at the very beginning. Still, I kept giving out a hint to him when I was "tidying up" my computer from his trails of existence in my world. You know by doing this, you just keep creating more wounds to you who are already having full of them. But you just keep doing this just for the injustice feeling inside you. You actually know it too well that he has been through much hardship as well, but you just want to keep doing that just to... what? Share your pain? How cruel you are, Sarah. 

I believe it takes time, doesn't it. My pains now are nothing compared to those who.. let's say, have lost their family members in all sudden. The only saddest thing about farewell is.. knowing you can never meet or having them around you anymore. I should be ready anytime for God puts someone in your life for a certain period of time and He will take them again, at anytime. Easily said, huh?

What makes it super hard by the time being is.. to find how long will it take for me to believe that God has better and more beautiful arrangement for me. My negative side keeps telling me to see things negatively and tries to fear me in all ways possible about how you won't find anyone better to replace him. My good friend shared her bitter experiences being left in all sudden by her beloved late father without being given a second to be with him at his last moments, and it took her 3 months that felt like forever to finally find life again. My other friends have had the grieves of losing people they love. My pains sound like nothing.. though for the time being it feels shitty as hell.

It's really over, Sarah. You choose your family.. and your God.. over him and he does too. He goes well with the scenario while you are not. You are mad at this. Come on come to your sense, will you. The image of that box of chocolate with a romantic card on it plus the sweet caption you found by accident the other day, that keeps being seen each time you close your eyes, will eventually fade away, and so your sorrow will as well fade away... slowly..  by that time, you may eventually believe God has another better plan for you.

It's already over, Sarah. It is, this time. Go on with your life, don't bother with the curiosity of what kind of another sweet thing he's doing to his new girl, the things that once melt your heart. It's nothing to do with you anymore. Be happy for him for he's tried to make you happy too for once in your life. No more reminisce let alone tears! Years of teary nights and days have come to the end, now. It's already over.

My bed room, blurry eyes.

SH 

It Really Has Ended

What is one of my many many many weaknesses?

I tend to love someone too deeply.

And when it's not going as what you want it to be, it will leave a deep deep scar deep within you. Your heart. None is gonna be able to see it, but you know you will never be the same person anymore. A half of you is gone, and you are now lost. 

I am sorry but this ain't any important story, well none of my life stories is important for most people anyway. But still, it's my own story. And my life is made of a compilation of stories. For the time being, it's a sad ending romance, it's a rotten slice of life, it's an episode I just want to skip and if there comes a genie asking for my only wish.. just.. could I turn back the time? To 2011? When everything was about to take scenes.. If only I had known before.

I tend to love someone too deeply. But I can't seem to be capable of finding a way to hate someone too harshly. Why is it? 

I tend to be the one who is left broken in pieces, why? Simply cause I'm a woman.

My first love of high school era has now married to a younger girl and I still can recall it as clearly as a crystal ball, sweet things he said to me when he was so in love with me. We broke up without even having the chance to be in a declared love relationship since we both held our idealism too much. We believed there should be no love relationship before marriage. Oh what a fool, now that I think of it. He was a very nice person. I never fall for a bad guy. 

Two days before his marriage, I was struggling to end a no-future-romance with the new guy I was in love with--yes, it's the guy who right now makes me want to end my life kill myself. So it was all by instinct that I texted him, the first love, after years of no communication between us, to simply ask him out of the blue, "how did we manage to end all at that time?". Since I was struggling so much. And I can't remember what he answered, but to my surprise, the news of him getting married was not long after the texting. And so I didn't come to his wedding reception. Why? Because I'm a woman he used to say sweet things to, so deep that it still leaves a mark deep in the very bottom of my heart, YET he didn't invite me personally. LOL what a childish reason. Anyways, first love never succeeds, you heard of it? But it lies deep. You know this saying, don't you?

But what can I say. This time is a whole whole lot different story. This is the guy I know I'm never gonna end up together with. We are too different. But I was hooked by him, despite the fact he was far from my ideal type, but perhaps he is, just I didn't realize it. He MADE the first move that no one ever knows, not to today, and I was kinda hypnotized since then. How many years has it been now? Despite all the differences and all the hopeless fact before my eyes, I finally invited him to meet my parents and it was not to my surprise that we still can't make it. God, why do You create love and why can it grow despite the difference also You create, just why? Can I not blame You, in this state?

And today.. After.. how many years again? The repeating break ups, the never ending hopes I silently grew inside my heart, the sweet things he's done (my bad, I can only recall the sweet things he's done since he is a good guy and yes I can still judge him good even when I'm left wounded like this now).. God have You planned long ago to make today the final end of everything? You showed me last night that all the sweet things he's done to me, now he's been doing it to another girl? Another girl and not me? Younger and prettier at that? Oh I hate this, I can't be fine with this as he said it with his own mouth that he needed 2-3 years to forget me and to get another girl yet he IS with another girl now only within a month after the last time he texted me. You can never trust any guy can't you??? 

I hate that I can't do nothing about this yet I am so hurt inside I wanna slit my wrist. I WANNA slit my wrist. I do, but I am too afraid of being physically painful! Good point otherwise none can no longer see me since periods ago! Nights I was longing for him but had to force myself to JUST bear it. Days I could see him and all the memories we'd spent together just by shutting my eyes down.

Hei.. I should've congratulated him sincerely since ONLY that way can I really do what everyone has been telling me to: move on. I should've thanked him for showing me the way to open my heart to a new person. Something I have always failed at, as I would always find my heart question if he's alright, if he's been eating well, if he's got enough sleep, if he's been hanging out with friends, and if he's opened his heart to a new girl. Each time when I was about to meet a new person. My worries and all these that were questioned by my heart, was all that I myself HAD requested to him to do by the time he was rejected by my parents. Please have a good life, please forget me, please be happy, please eat well and so on and so on. Now that I know he's been doing these well enough (too well actually to the point he HAS got a new girl!) I was mad at him. You can never damn trust ANY guy can't you??? And what the fucking hell do I wish for??? I can't blame him instead I need to be grateful but how am I not left wounded and in pain when I have given my all to him and when he WAS the one who begged me over and over to not end everything between us. 

This time is different. He ain't barely my first love. He was someone I hoped to be the last. We created too many memories already and we failed at last. And he moved on first. What can be worse? What can leave more pains for me? Why do I have to be the one at loss? Why? Because I'm a woman. 

. . .

You know, Sarah. You will never be the same anymore. How will you deal with your heart and with the constant feeling of wanting to blame your God? And your parents? You wanna blame them for being a part of this hell you're going through but not even a minute that you do not want to make them happy. How will you make them happy when you are sooo dying inside? You know time will heal, but when? When your mama is nagging at you like everyday, demanding you to quickly find a man to marry, warning you with "hey watch over your age, you are almost a left over already, be realistic" and blah blah blah. You know I'm wounded, Mum. You know it's not that I'm not trying. I am really painful please can you help heal this quick... I am dying....

I am so pessimistic to find a new love and not end up getting hurt again, as I am not in any drama right now. It's my real life. The director is the God, and I can't even ask Him like He'd directly answer to my only question: how far is happiness away from me? And the more exact questions like: how will I meet my other half? When? Where? Will I be meeting him here or in the afterlife? Will I be able to bear it if You actually destined us to meet in the afterlife?

Why is it that I can't no longer feel Your love towards me? I've been trying to be a good girl my WHOLE life and I only want a happy ending love but why have You given me all these scars? Can I continue putting my trust in You and not blame You? Will You stop already torturing my inner heart?

Will these tears I've been shedding enormously at least be able to let You touched and so give me the sweetest gift I have always prayed for......  

Depok, February 17, 2017

Counting to the day I can finally see the world with its beautiful colors again