Remember the last day you were here? You hugged me and afterwards you told me on Whatsapp that you've already been looking for excuses to come again. To see me. You told me you wanted to tell me how much you loved me but the words were just kind of stuck in your throat.
Of all the conversations we had every day before the split, how many plans were made? Next time when you come again, we will eat this, we will watch that, we will do this we will do that. I even started all the baking things because initially I wanted to make something for you. You told me you wanted it. How am I supposed to react now knowing you will come again in two weeks. In only two weeks. What about the tasks you gave. I have even gained 3 kg instead of getting closer to the 48 goal. Because half of me knows it's no use anymore being 48 if it's not for you. But half of me still wants miracles and wants me to appear beautiful in front of you.
All of this chaos emotions inside me only makes me feel more certain to leave. I really need to; it's a must for my heart healing. I need a completely new world to get rid of you from my mind. From my heart. How is that even possible if I keep waiting for you in silence, just like this? How am I supposed to control my heart? You seem so easy moving on from me. Am I actually that forgettable?
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
I Cut My Hair (Very) Short
I always know that I'm the type of more to spontaneous person....
Like how I asked for a separation last time when I was still so much in love with him. I still do, by the way. Sometimes I could regret it, but I keep reminding myself that it was indeed the right decision. Even if I hurt again.
These days I've been filling the void in my heart with food. Persetan dengan resolusi 48 yang kubuat beberapa hari menjelang hari ultahku kemarin. Once I have let myself out, I can be the unfortunate version of Yuka Kinoshita. I have as great appetite as her but not with her lucks on being able to stay in shape no matter how much food she eats. So it resulted in me... gaining 3 kg. It's only 5 days away from my big sis wedding day, see, not even a week. But I couldn't control my emotional eating so I kept getting myself trapped in a long period of binge stage..... And ended up gaining weight instead of losing it. Not to mention I am still mentally unstable: tears overflowing at nights in bed, and sometimes in broad daylights at the office. Feeling strong for a moment then getting stuffy the next hours. What a cycle.
I've always wanted short hair, tapi rambutku terlalu tebal, kata orang salon. Jadi kalau kependekan nggak bagus, akan terlihat ngembang. But you know what. Last night I made my own historical record... I wasn't thinking much about it at all but then at around 9:30 pm, sitting on the bench in front of the mirror, I grabbed a paper scissors...then started cutting my hair. It IS the shortest ever I'm telling you... And my first time cutting it wholly. I cut before, only to make bangs. But this time, I made it. Don't know if I'd regret it later on but for now, I'm still feeling kind a ... fresh.
My sisters were surprised and especially my younger sister. She dropped her jaw seeing me upstairs, with my new hair, when we were just talking a few hours before, downstairs, with my long usual hair. Hahaha. I was sending the pictures to my friends, and they were also like... most of them said I looked fresh, beautiful. Some said I was crazy for cutting it myself. Some complimented that it turned out nice even when I only used paper scissors, hehe.
And... No, I didn't have any plan on becoming the new me whatsoever by having my hair cut this short. Last night, again, was one of those times I had it very hard again. The memories popped out so strong and I was missing him so much... I remember crying until over 1 am, with my sister sleeping tight beside me. Gosh... How much more days will I spend with his memories haunting me, with this feeling of overly missing him. I miss him every day.
Like how I asked for a separation last time when I was still so much in love with him. I still do, by the way. Sometimes I could regret it, but I keep reminding myself that it was indeed the right decision. Even if I hurt again.
These days I've been filling the void in my heart with food. Persetan dengan resolusi 48 yang kubuat beberapa hari menjelang hari ultahku kemarin. Once I have let myself out, I can be the unfortunate version of Yuka Kinoshita. I have as great appetite as her but not with her lucks on being able to stay in shape no matter how much food she eats. So it resulted in me... gaining 3 kg. It's only 5 days away from my big sis wedding day, see, not even a week. But I couldn't control my emotional eating so I kept getting myself trapped in a long period of binge stage..... And ended up gaining weight instead of losing it. Not to mention I am still mentally unstable: tears overflowing at nights in bed, and sometimes in broad daylights at the office. Feeling strong for a moment then getting stuffy the next hours. What a cycle.
I've always wanted short hair, tapi rambutku terlalu tebal, kata orang salon. Jadi kalau kependekan nggak bagus, akan terlihat ngembang. But you know what. Last night I made my own historical record... I wasn't thinking much about it at all but then at around 9:30 pm, sitting on the bench in front of the mirror, I grabbed a paper scissors...then started cutting my hair. It IS the shortest ever I'm telling you... And my first time cutting it wholly. I cut before, only to make bangs. But this time, I made it. Don't know if I'd regret it later on but for now, I'm still feeling kind a ... fresh.
My sisters were surprised and especially my younger sister. She dropped her jaw seeing me upstairs, with my new hair, when we were just talking a few hours before, downstairs, with my long usual hair. Hahaha. I was sending the pictures to my friends, and they were also like... most of them said I looked fresh, beautiful. Some said I was crazy for cutting it myself. Some complimented that it turned out nice even when I only used paper scissors, hehe.
And... No, I didn't have any plan on becoming the new me whatsoever by having my hair cut this short. Last night, again, was one of those times I had it very hard again. The memories popped out so strong and I was missing him so much... I remember crying until over 1 am, with my sister sleeping tight beside me. Gosh... How much more days will I spend with his memories haunting me, with this feeling of overly missing him. I miss him every day.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
God... please heal me. Heal me completely.
What is Your plan for me, Lord?
How can I heal these wounds. Why did You let me fall for guys who are not destined to be with me. Why did they appear in my life if they only ended hurting me. What do You want me to become already.
I am breaking down every time I'm alone. What should I do. My inner scars are still here, apparently.
What should I do.
What is Your plan for me, Lord?
How can I heal these wounds. Why did You let me fall for guys who are not destined to be with me. Why did they appear in my life if they only ended hurting me. What do You want me to become already.
I am breaking down every time I'm alone. What should I do. My inner scars are still here, apparently.
What should I do.
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