Sakit....

Sakit. Sakit. Sakit.
Too painful.
Said "I'm healed" when they asked.
But if the eyes had a valve from which tears flow, then my eyes valve must have severely damaged. It's too heavy to bear.... This sorrow....

I pray to God so I will have a power to erase certain memories. I pray to Him so one day I can smile happily instead of faking it. Terserah orang bilang aku galau, labil, too much. I'm the one living it. You need a new person with whom you create new memories, to get over the old ones, but I just haven't met the new one just yet. Though at times it could be very hard for me to believe in his existence, I still keep on trying to.

Sakit.... Tuhan. When will I be able to get over all these nightmares? Beg your mercy, dear Allah my Lord....

6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart:

Take heart, you will get through this.

Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt. You could lose your appetite. You could lose your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. You may feel shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache. Your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you. But you will get through this.These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So take heart and hold on.

Talk to someone who cares.

I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing with is like a human crutch to help you through a time of brokenness. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most. The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them.The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” So find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets, and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.

“Talking to someone who you know and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much.” (Kaitlyn)

Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.

One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult and touch raw emotions. This proves we are human. It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit awhile back called “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.

“No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last and you end up worse off than you were before.” (Jonathan)

Take your broken heart to God.

There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why. You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what. It says in the Old Testament of the Bible, I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.

“It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart.” (-Osman)

Give yourself time to heal.

If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.

“The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost.” (Lindsey)

The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. #BrokenHeartCLICK TO TWEET

Learn lessons from the experience.

It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example:

•  Did you fail to communicate openly?
•  Were you insensitive to your partner’s feelings?
• Were you too possessive or selfish?
• Were you physical sexually?
• Were you dishonest in the relationship?
• Am I learning how other people can be hurt?

Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.

“It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it.” (Brian T.)

source:  https://www.thehopeline.com/35-getting-over-a-broken-heart-part-4

I Am Tired

Aku capek....

Drained emotionally. And tired physically.

Trying to be strong. Trying to restore my faith. But I'm almost in the edge of falling down.

Aku capek. Aku sendiri. Aku sepi. Berapa malam lagi harus kuisi dengan keterjagaan saat sebenarnya aku butuh off sejenak dari semua pikiran yang nggak terkontrol ini. People in anxiety are crying to sleep. How can't I? I cry but still awake. It makes me even more tired.

Aku capek.... Capek banget. I wanna be somewhere else. I want to be able to forget and erase all that happened during end of 2011 to February 2017. Of course it includes the whole nightmares following after Feb. When my world was in a complete disaster.

I wanna restore my faith in God and I am trying hardest. But there are always ups and downs. When at down stage, I really wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. Fall in an eternal sleep.... Karena kucapek.


SH
2:30 am
At last coming back here again after holding myself for so many many times in the last few months. Sorry....

(Not) Fin(e)

On a piece of ripped paper
I wrote down how I feel about you
It becomes clear somethin’ bout you

You’re similar to me but different
I wonder if you’re the same as me now
I get my hopes up

When a day, a month, a year passes
We each live different lives

I’m not like that
It won’t be easy for me
You keep taking up every day of my life
It’s not time yet
I keep repeating it to myself like a fool
I can’t swallow the words that are in my mouth
It’s not fine
It’s not fine

I tie my hair up
And I clean my messy room
I’m looking for somethin’ new

Sometimes when the overpowering feeling of
Feeling like I have to do something
Forces me to move

After a day, a month, a year
I thought I’d be smiling and thinking back on it

I’m not like that
It won’t be easy for me
You keep taking up every day of my life
It’s not time yet
I keep repeating it to myself like a fool
I can’t swallow the words that are in my mouth
It’s not fine
It's not fine

Meaningless jokes, talking back and forth
I look like I’m fine among people
I smile pretending like I’m dull
I try to turn away from the shade that is you

I keep thinking of
Our last moment
Our breakup was simple, all we said was goodbye
It’s not time yet
I keep repeating it to myself like a fool
I can’t swallow the words that are in my mouth
It’s not fine

Pada Saatnya....

Dia yang begitu gigih mempertahankanmu, pada saatnya akan melepaskanmu juga.

Dia yang begitu setia hanya padamu, pada saatnya akan berpaling juga.

Dia yang memperjuangkanmu, pada saatnya akan menyerah juga.

Dia yang selalu membiarkanmu buntu menerka isi hati dan kepalanya, ternyata sampai akhir pun tetap diam seribu bahasa.

Dia yang begitu kau kenal baik, pada saatnya akan menjelma asing juga.

Dia yang kau yakini hanya ada dirimu di matanya, akan menggandeng tangan yang bukan tanganmu pada saatnya.

Dia yang kau yakini tak akan sanggup menyakitimu, ternyata sangat pandai menorehkan pada hatimu luka menganga.

Dia yang kau cemaskan setiap hari, pada saatnya akan melenggang pergi.

Dia yang kau tangisi sampai detik ini, sedang berbahagia di atas ratapanmu yang tak terperi.

Dia yang mampu kembali cepat mengisi hati, dengan wanita yang bukan dirimu, karena kodratnya lelaki.

Dia yang menyisakan kekosongan di hatimu, yang pada saatnya... entah kapan saatnya... akan terisi lagi.

Dia yang membuatmu makin meyakini, bahwa lelaki kodratnya mendua, seperti kata Habibie.

Dia yang menyadarkanmu... seberapa tangis pun dia curahkan atas takdir ini, tangisan pria nyatanya hanya sebatas mata. Saat di hati sudah mampu mendua.

Dia yang membuatmu tersesat jiwanya.

Dia yang membuatmu terpukul kesadarannya.

Dia yang pada saatnya, kini, mewariskan padamu hanya derita.

Dia yang sampai saat ini pun kau yakini masih menyisakan dirimu di hatinya, dia yang tak mampu bagimu untuk membencinya, ternyata... pada saatnya....

SH

A Walk at Nights

I walked at night. It was all cold where at temperatures and times like this, people would normally choose to just curl their bodies up inside a warm blanket in their beds. I was too afraid I would be drowning again in the memories of me and him together and then being forced to face the bitter reality that now he’s doing these all to his new girl…. My heart still ached. My sister once told me, “Please get back to your sense already, you may just cry and shout and all but stop getting in touch with him. He has a girlfriend now.” So I told her, “I can’t be crying anymore, my tears are dried. It’s all the pain inside that I’m feeling, that can’t be seen.” But it was me being too confident again, several days later, which is yesterday, I got up in my bed feeling so empty and aching that I, again, pathetically drowned in tears, still. And it will get worse the more the day gets darker. That is why I decided to just get out of my room and have a walk at nights.

It was quiet and cold at one dark night. I put on a warm jacket; his jacket that I still keep. I didn’t quite notice it that I wasn’t wearing proper shoes; only slippers. It’s after around an hour of walking and coming back to the room when I started to feel both my feet thumbs hurting. When I checked on my feet, it turned out that the skin was peeled and red. Ah, I wasn’t wearing socks and the slippers seemed to have quite a sharp edge around my thumbs it hurt them. Well, a Chinese made slippers provided for free, so might explain, hahaha. It might be the cold weather that made me unaware of the hurt though, or my empty mind? Good that I had decided to go back to my room, somehow I relieved that they didn’t bleed.

I put on each a bandage a.k.a hansaplast to both my feet thumbs, hoping that they won’t hurt when I take shower. But it didn’t help enough.I cringed when the hot water was touching them. I’m kinda sensitive to wound, you know. My mom said I’m a crybaby who can’t bear such a little scar; that explains why I can’t ride a bike nor swim up to this age. My doctor when I was being hospitalized said it in a more nice way, not a crybaby, but “a girl who’s sensitive to hurts”, haha. Anyway, when I was cringing out the hurt of my thumbs, there was a slight curiosity on how I managed to cut my arms back then. It was not only one scratch but nine! Something must have taken my insanity away….

And even though it had been a month that night since my nightmares first began, I was still struggling to get him out of my head. I am still, to be honest. A month can’t heal me yet. Well, that night before shower, I was getting everything ready to iron my clothes. As soon as I started ironing, you know what came across my mind? “Ah, this is just like those old days, when I helped him iron his clothes back then. I used to iron his clothes and my big sister’s. Three of us were always together.” What a memory. There were even times when I couldn’t bear smelling a certain perfume since it would remind me to his smell. I’m not saying his perfume, but the perfume comes from that laundry stuffs. He had this perfume preference when buying this laundry stuff. Even now when 4 years had passed, I’m confident I could still recognize the smell. You know, I’m good at remembering rubbish. crying in the corner hahaha

Even last Saturday when they took me to play outside, my head was filled of him. It spent 4 hours to go and come back, and it was raining since the very morning when we departed and even raining harder when we returned back. A gloomy heart and rain, plus two hours in each sitting, I was shutting my eyes down trying to sleep but all I could find was a little drip flowing out from a corner of my eye. Oh, and don’t forget that “Almost is Never Enough” by Ariana Grande. Hey, what could’ve added up to a more melancholic atmosphere?

I swear, even when I was thinking about something, there would still come anything that reminded me of him. Let alone when there’s nothing in my head. If you’d like me to write down each and every memories we’d spent, I could publish a novel already! Happy, sad, touching, all emotions are in a book. A true story but it’s gonna be a tragic ending, so I’m not gonna publish it anyways even if some publisher asked me to (see how my mind really works overboard hahaha).

Well seeing me myself still being in this state sometimes I do think I really need a help at this point. Now I’m counting down to the day I’m returning back to the country. My mom, knowing me being fragile and miserable like this, has asked me to consider joining her on her Umrah journey. I may need something more than just a determination to healing my damaged soul but I don’t know. Going umrah might sound a perfect idea at this timing, but it won’t be that simple to decide to go or not go.

Being alone in a quiet room like this, with a fragile heart that has once broken into pieces, which such heart attached in a lost soul, what else can I do at nights other than having a walk alone? Years ago, he would go downstairs to walk with me in the cold nights, even if it’s only to the nearby convenience store. He would in an instant be there in front of me, happily, voluntarily. Just to walk with me. Our feet were wearing only slippers. But now, all I could do is… walking all by myself, at these cold nights…. Ah, it’s aching again so heavily.

SH

Reminisce

Everyone here is saying I'm pretty. Everyone who has known me from before commented on how I looked even prettier and some even said I’d gotten thinner than my last visit.

Even the stores' owners will praise me beautiful and ask if I'm married. The next thing will normally go like “then marry to a Chinese, find someone here!” which I respond with, “Papa's not letting me”. Lol.

Everyone's saying I'm pretty, they seemed so sincere that makes me sometimes also think I am pretty, but whenever I look at that figure in the mirror, I'd go like “who's that girl they are saying pretty again?”.  Then her image appears… next to him. Pretty is in the eyes of the beholder. In my eyes, her figure is what can be described “beauty”. Not someone like me...

Yesterday I went out for shopping with my Chinese sister and the Indonesian guys.  Today too, another Chinese comrade invited us for some lunch. We are more than welcomed here. Not only on this visit, it's whenever I did visit this place, they were always so welcoming, and wanted to take me to hang out with them on the weekends. They are very friendly, making me feel like we've been knowing each other for a long time already.

There was this one pretty girl younger than me—I swear she is a natural beauty—that I just met at the halal ramen restaurant. We had a little chat and became friends instantly. We made a plan right away for the next day and promised we'd meet again at that restaurant and she'd take me to her house and to a historical place nearby for sightseeing. She lived with his grandpa and this grandpa actually took time to cook us some sautéed vegetables for me to eat for lunch.

Not long ago, it was in the mid of January to be exact, she asked me if I know how to buy the famous bird’s nest here in Indonesia. I instantly thought of that guy whom I was on process to move on from. Someone who made me feel like living half soul now, the guy I'd been longing for. I was hesitated for a second, and decided to just text him on Whatsapp. “What do I hesitate for?”  I thought, “He was always texting me too whenever he wanted, even in the states when we were separated.”  So I texted him, told him this matter. I still called him by the old nickname, nothing changed. And he responded just like how he used to respond me. How would I imagine that by that time… he was already taking steps to winning her heart…. Just how on earth would I have any clue that he… by that time… had been steps ahead of me and our memories. Just how on earth did it all happen…. 

It hasn't been a month since my nightmares began, yet already feels like a decade (I’m sure I can be so overboard at times….). It hasn't been a month but in a few days it will make it a month already. These weeks, how many nights could I sleep peacefully? I slept for 3-4 hours when usually by 3 or 4, I would open my eyes in a shock and then tears were following. And thanks to my women hormonal that I got even more emotional these days.

How can I sleep peacefully when he kept showing in my dreams. He was there with his girl, laughing at me who was standing from afar, watching them two happily spending time together on the beach. The other night, he came again to my dream, not with her, but I busted him handing someone a wedding invitation with his name on it. My heart was aching even in my sleep so I woke up and had a minute being in a daze, my eyes staring blankly into the pitch dark of my room. On a day I felt tired both physically and emotionally of these nightmares, I tried to take a nap to at least gain a little energy. But it was not even one hour upon falling asleep that I woke up again from a weird dream. I am very tired of all these….

He's chosen her. He used to get mad when I blocked him on socmeds back then whenever I got mad at him or whenever I decided to put an end to our story. But now, without me knowing it, he’s blocked me everywhere. I originally thought it was because he loved me too deeply so he needed to get rid of me from any sights possible for him. He used to love me so deeply, I am 100% sure I didn’t get it wrong. Deep down in my heart I still believe he still has the unchanged feeling for me… but if so, how could he be so cold towards me…. He’s slitting my bleeding heart to make it bleeds even more… he got mad at me he spoke to me in a harsh way. I know he was just being emotional too seeing my roller coaster emotions but he really did block me and ignore me right away anytime I started to mention his new girl. I’m bleeding more…. Where is the love that used to be very strong in you….

Why did he keep coming back to me in all these years but… when he really planned to leave, he never said a word? Why….

It's not his fault, I know. It's over between us. But how has he managed to move on that easily? Because he’s a man..?  I can never find another reason. It's me, the one who wanted separation. It’s him, the one who always put a hope. It's us, who were so much in love.

If you would check my status updates on my socmeds for the last 5 months… you could find a hint here and there that most of them are referred to you. It's you that I was longing for. It's you that never really left my head, my heart. A love that lies so deep like this, how do you expect it to just disappear within 2 months?

My memories of you keep haunting me… Do you remember last year, when I was already fed up with this no future romance of us… do you remember how you begged me and while crying, you asked me to give you a last chance. Then I cried too, sadly, emotionally, I was tired of growing hope for this relationship yet my feeling was only for you. We were crying together. Then you took me to your Cici's house and introduced me as a friend. I played with her two children. They were so lovely I fell in love with the cute loving little girl right away.

Baby… Do you realize that this little girl, ever when she was born to this world, you showed me her picture and she was too beautiful I showed it too to my friends. I already fell in love with her that moment. Now I could finally meet her in person, for real, not only seeing her picture. Now that baby has grown up to become a little girl with the same beauty, and even has had a little brother. We've been together for that long, baby. You were taking pictures of me holding her, playing with her, you recorded these moments excitedly. Then you turned the camera to the three of us, and you took again some pictures as if we were a happy little family. Do you know how happy I was, at that very moment?

Then we were leaving the house to have some lunch. I waved a goodbye to the beautiful little lady. Then she cried. So I carried her in my arms again and you asked your Cici to bring her with us too. You drove the car and I sit in the back with her. We chatted like she'd known me from before.

Then we had a Korean lunch. You were so eager to keep taking pictures with me. Then that day when I finally got back home, when I checked my phone to tell you I'd been home, I saw your Whatsapp profile pic was our pic together that you took that day. I panicked and told you to change it. I didn't want your friends to see that since you told me yourself they don’t like you to be with a non Chinese like me. Even if I'm a half. Do you know baby how I was holding myself telling you to remove that pic… You should know it cause I've told you for several times that I wanted to actually let them know that we were together. I kinda regret it now I should've let you just put that pic of us and let everyone know. My world knows you but not the other way around…. But for years of togetherness, it was only a dream even until today when it's already really over between us.

It happened just last year… We had the last and final broke up only five months to now after you came to meet Papa in September… You last contacted me only one month after mid of January... What kind of strength has gotten into you within one month, baby. We were suffering together all this while and now you let me suffer alone… I'm still drowning in tears like this in the nights… And I made you leave me totally and blocked me everywhere only within a minute just because I was losing control and so I showed you my jealousy to her…  What am I supposed to do now….

Even today, I still took the painkiller and it's not working. It has been around 6 hours but my head still aches... What am I supposed to do now?

When will I get back to being myself again…. I am so lost and draining of energy….

SH