When Being Strong is Your Only Choice (1)

I have decided I will not react the same way as I did before when I failed the previous relationship.

I blamed God. I was hurting my own body. I cried an ocean... was so out of control a river wouldn't have enough capacity to hold the tears, hehe. I tortured my own self. I was so hurt, I was so helpless. I've gathered up my strength this time, and started to eat normal. One day is enough. I won't be drowning in sorrow like last time, and I realized my last meal was on Sunday afternoon before I started the break up topic with him. I didn't eat anything all day yesterday and I can't let my body suffer too much today when I have a lot to do at work. I am not repeating the same mistake again, this time.

I was breaking down yesterday so I decided to take a half day leave from the office. The previous night I was anxious and couldn't sleep a wink, so I was tired inside and out. I hate the fact that I can't get asleep whenever I have something heavy in mind... ever since I was little. So I went home and started sobbing again in bed... for hours. It was too hard to bear, losing love after I just began to heal from the previous wound. And the fact that it was all due to my own choice... yet I couldn't bear the destroyed feeling....

After crying too much I could hardly breath... I realized I should never again blame Him so I got up to take wudoo. I am not repeating the same mistake again! As soon as I opened the door, Ibu who I thought had got home, was standing there with teary eyes, and began to hug me, pat my back, "Cry... just cry... I will always pray for you, Dek Sarah. Like I prayed for Dek Hayyun. I've been listening to your crying sound, I know it hurts you too much, so just cry..." The fact she is a Christian but she sincerely prays for me felt touching. And I am sensitive to hug, I always love being hugged, which Mama never gives.  So I cried even harder in her arms, "Ibu knows it already? Mama told you? I'm sad, Bu... I am very very sad..." and she just kept patting me. Then Mama showed up from downstairs, with Auntie. So Mama, Auntie and me got back to my room. I kept crying.

"You're so weak when it comes to love. Perhaps it's your biggest weakness. That is why God gives you another trial in love." I nodded agree while crying so hard helplessly. Everyone is tested differently, my heart said. My aunt, sitting beside my mom on the edge of my bed, trying to comfort me. "Sarah is beautiful, smart, well-educated, a very nice young lady, you'll find someone else in no time, okay?", she continued, still trying to get me to calm down. But this time I didn't nod, I didn't agree. I admit there are some guys out there who're still trying, but what's the point when I'm not attracted even the slightest bit? It's very hard for me to get attracted to someone and I always have this tendency to grow feelings to those I shouldn't fall for... now that it happened again for the second time.

Mama who did not talk a lot, not until my aunt left, "Be proud that he loves you, but be even more proud that you've chosen to leave him, okay?", I nodded. "You still want worldly happiness, Mama won't judge you wrong, because it is not, but please keep in your heart and mind that dunya is temporary. We Muslims believe in the eternal life and that's what we should pursue: the afterlife eternal happiness rather than deceptive happiness in this temporary life." Still sobbing, I nodded. "You always question a lot of things but you should know that there are things in this life human beings just won't ever comprehend. You believe in fate, don't you?". I nodded again.

Ibu came in with a glass of water in her hand and handed me it right away. After another hour of more cries, listening to them and responding to them when I needed, I did shalah Zuhr when Aunt had left and Mama went downstairs too. Lying in bed still in the praying outfit was me when Mama came in again. Now she began to talk a lot...

A Vulnerable Heart that Pretends Strong....

I feel so weak. Literally. Here I'm writing again after several days ago I deleted this link to my blog on my IG (that again will be inactive for quite some time now), in the hope that only those friends who really care to me will read this. I don't mind though if random people find this, just please do not send me private messages judging me even if it's in a very nice and polite way. I am not opening my heart again in the near future... to new guys. I need my time alone, I am back to this stage where I do not want to enjoy life. I only want sleep. A very long one... that sadly is a very luxurious thing for me at this moment I can hardly get.

So... After a while, I took some pills again yesterday around 5 pm. It was Sunday but I didn't get myself on treadmill or any other light workout like I normally do. I just took shower and went to my bed with lights off and locked door. Deja vu? Only wanted to rest earlier to get rid of my bad thoughts and anxiety. But I kept awake until this morning, perhaps due to the headache pill I took a few hours later, keeping me awake all night and it's very tiring. I am extremely tired and drained emotionally... physically.

I was having a hard time concentrating on driving all the way from home to the office this morning. I started okay but then it was all blurry vision along the way. I arrived and parked too early and the thought of texting with him in my car at the parking area... made me burst in tears. At my desk, talking to someone, I couldn't bear this heavy feeling whenever his name was being mentioned or when I had to go to his office. But I still have to come on a daily basis and pretend like my heart is all okay... I have to bear it all. And I need to stay the least for another 3 months or even more until I find a new job. This is hard... Too hard. Gosh... beg your mercy this time is much harder to go through...

Last night that felt so long.... I listened to ballads, melancholic songs. I sang those songs. I prayed. But most of the times, I cried. God... Why do You give me another test like this. Wo zhen kuai bu xing le. This time is even 1000x harder than the last one. Two months is very short of time but for a sensitive heart like mine that's always craving for affection.... It means huge. It means another failure for me. I should've guarded my fragile soul better... Now I'm so dying inside.

I am lonely. I need someone but I always seem to fall to the wrong person. How should I love again? I have my dreams too, Ya Allah. But the more I'm dreaming of them, the more it feels like You are never going to bless me. Why do You make me choose, again. Did I fail on the last test so You're giving me a similar test now? I do not ever want to leave You. No matter how weakening is my iman in this deen, I still have you in my heart. I still come to You because You're the only God I trust. This time.... it is extremely hard for me.... I'm not going to cut my arms or thinking about leaving this world but it's like.... it's like I'll become numb....

This is me. I keep questioning a lot of things but I choose to stick with You. My hijab that I wear, even if it's getting shorter over time, I never plan to take it off. Mandatory prayers, even though I am not performing them as khusyuk and as much as I used to do, I still do shalah. I am a disappointment to both my mama and papa but I still choose them over my own happiness. I choose You because I want to keep You in my heart more than any worldly creatures You create. But I want happiness too, Allah.... I will never blame You again for my wounds but please show me I can get my happiness too in the end... will You.... I am sinful, I commit uncountable sins, I'm aware of it. But these wounds that I keep creating to my own self, is to show You I still try to make it up... Because no one could ever feel how deep my pain is but You know how I've been struggling by myself...

I'm on my PMS and I miss him too much, the one who finally showed up to fill the hole in my heart in an unexpected way... and I chose to leave him so that I will not repeat similar story with another tragic ending.... and this weak soul is starting to regret my decision... Please guard me, Allah.

I'd Rather Be Alone: Mengejar Kemilau di Kejauhan

Lately I've been listening to Summer Storm, Jessica's song. I just figured there's this one short line that has a very deep meaning, at least to my fragile soul right now: "I'd rather be alone".

Kadang ketika kamu merasa sudah terbiasa dengan kesendirian, kamu jadi salah anggap, kamu pikir kamu sudah kuat. Padahal, nggak. Kadang ketika kesepian sudah jadi teman terbaikmu, kamu pikir kamu pun sudah tidak butuh cinta. Padahal, nggak. Kadang ketika kamu sudah menangis terlalu banyak, kamu pikir nggak akan ada lagi air mata yang akan jatuh semudah itu. Nyatanya, nggak begitu.

Orang baru berdatangan. Orang dari masa lalu pun demikian. Tapi hati kamu sudah mati. Kamu ternyata masih dengan mudahnya berkaca-kaca saat mendatangi pernikahan teman, tanpa kamu sadari kamupun masih dengan senangnya memilih-milih baju anak cantik di Centro. Kamu sadar, selamanya hatimu masih mendambakan hadirnya seorang lelaki untukmu, dan anak-anak dari rahim kamu sendiri. Tapi di saat yang sama kamu juga sadar, hatimu sudah capek dan mulai menyerah. Karena cahaya-cahaya di sekitarmu, nggak cukup kuat untuk menerangi gelapnya hati kamu. Dan kamu memilih untuk mengejar kemilau di kejauhan, yang mungkin tidak pernah ada.

Pernah kuberjanji pada diriku sendiri, untuk jangan pernah menyalahkan Tuhan lagi atas kekecewaan-kekecewaanku nantinya dalam cinta. Pernah ku tinggalkan Tuhan, dan tertatih aku akhirnya berusaha kembali. Pernah ku berdoa agar Ia ambil saja nyawaku, semua nilai kehidupan akhirat yang kuyakini, saat itu rasanya hanya omong kosong. Aku pernah jatuh begitu dalam.

Sekarang rasanya aku mulai berada lagi di ambang kejatuhan. Dan aku benar-benar lelah.... untuk berusaha bangkit lagi. Aku mulai ingin menyakiti diri lagi..... Aku ingin tinggalkan Tuhan dan salahkan Ia lagi. Aku nggak pernah minta dilahirkan, jadi kenapa aku harus tiba-tiba merasakan kehidupan kalau tidak bahagia menjalaninya? Kenapa aku nggak pernah minta diberi kehidupan tapi nantinya harus mengalami sakitnya kematian? Aku bukan orang jahat tapi kenapa menjadi baik saja tidak cukup?

Maafin aku ya... Allah,,,,  atas pikiran-pikiran negatif ini. Tapi aku beneran mati rasa.... Aku boleh ya menjalani hidup yang Kau berikan tanpa aku pernah minta ini, dengan semauku saja?

Mungkin

Mungkin Tuhan tidak menakdirkan kebahagiaan untukku sesuai gambaranku akan kebahagiaan itu.

Mungkin Tuhan tidak menakdirkan aku memenuhi impian-impianku sejak dulu, untuk jadi seorang ibu.

Mungkin sekarang sudah waktunya aku mempersiapkan hati untuk... sendiri seumur hidupku.

Mungkin aku akan menua sendiri, selamanya tanpa orang yang kudambakan ada di sisiku. 

Mungkin masa tuaku akan merepotkan orang yang bukan suami apalagi anak-anakku.

Mungkin juga aku tidak akan pernah sampai ke masa tua itu. Umur orang siapa yang tahu.

Mungkin aku benar-benar harus menjalani hidup ini dengan hambar. Keajaiban yang acapkali terjadi pada kehidupan sebagian orang, mungkin sudah saatnya aku melepas harap bahwa keajaiban pun akan datang padaku dan menjadi hadiah manis untukku di ujung nanti atas penantian ini. 

Mungkin... aku tidak sepantas itu. Untuk bisa berbahagia menurut angan-anganku.

Mungkin... tidak semua asa layak untuk selamanya dipatri di hati.

Mungkin... hari inilah. Hari inilah semua asa yang masih tersisa, harus ikut hangus menyusul sebagian besar asaku lainnya yang telah lebih dulu pergi.

Mungkin aku akan sanggup menjalani takdir ini. 

Saat air mata pun sudah tidak mampu lagi jatuh, hanya menggenang mengaburkan pandangan. Mungkin saat itulah aku memang boleh menyerah.

  

Sakit....

Sakit. Sakit. Sakit.
Too painful.
Said "I'm healed" when they asked.
But if the eyes had a valve from which tears flow, then my eyes valve must have severely damaged. It's too heavy to bear.... This sorrow....

I pray to God so I will have a power to erase certain memories. I pray to Him so one day I can smile happily instead of faking it. Terserah orang bilang aku galau, labil, too much. I'm the one living it. You need a new person with whom you create new memories, to get over the old ones, but I just haven't met the new one just yet. Though at times it could be very hard for me to believe in his existence, I still keep on trying to.

Sakit.... Tuhan. When will I be able to get over all these nightmares? Beg your mercy, dear Allah my Lord....

6 Steps to Healing a Broken Heart:

Take heart, you will get through this.

Having your heart broken over a relationship is going to hurt. You could lose your appetite. You could lose your desire to do much of anything but lay in bed and ache. You may feel shortness of breath from crying. Your ribs may ache. Your eyes may swell. It’s almost like your heart will burst. Confusion might rule your brain. You might feel as bad as you have ever felt. It seems no one can help you. But you will get through this.These intense symptoms begin to subside a little bit at a time, just not soon enough for you. The problem is you may be letting this one event blind you so you cannot see the good things happening in your life. Like the old retro song goes, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone.” There is a reason there are so many songs written about a broken heart. Consider the tens of millions who have gone through what you’re experiencing. They made it and so will you. So take heart and hold on.

Talk to someone who cares.

I heard someone say once that 90% of good counseling is just talking out how you feel. It’s amazing how much better you feel when there’s someone you can talk to who totally understands what you’re going through. The person you are sharing with is like a human crutch to help you through a time of brokenness. It’s kind of like when a guy gets hurt on the football field injuring his knee. Two of his teammates get around him and help carry him off the field. That’s what happens when you have a broken heart. When someone is there, they can help strengthen you when you hurt the most. The people who suffer the most from heartbreak are those who have no one to help them.The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” So find a friend or family member, someone you can trust to keep your secrets, and talk it out. You’ll be glad you did.

“Talking to someone who you know and trust will help you greatly. A pastor or just a great friend who maybe is older than you and has more experience with heartbreaks is wonderful. They tell you how they lived and moved on and help you out very much.” (Kaitlyn)

Allow yourself to be human and feel the pain.

One of the ways we know we are human and truly alive is that we feel pain. Going through a break-up can be very difficult and touch raw emotions. This proves we are human. It is extremely important to let those raw emotions out. Find a safe place where you are comfortable and if possible, let the tears flow. It is our body’s way of ridding itself of the pain and hurt. There was a hit awhile back called “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. She’s wrong. Big girls are really healthy girls when they show emotion. Some people run from their hurts when really they should embrace them. It’s only when we feel our pain are we able to honestly deal with it and move on. If we don’t, that pain will reappear somewhere else, usually in an unhealthy way.

“No one wants to be hurt, and when we are, our first instinct is to block it out. Unfortunately, the best ways to block something like that out is through destructive behavior like substance abuse, cutting, and the like. Even worse, the release doesn’t last and you end up worse off than you were before.” (Jonathan)

Take your broken heart to God.

There are those who may think this bit of advice is needless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s why. You and I were created to love and be loved. When we get down to it, all we really want is to know there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter what. Only God can love us this way. When we have that foundation of knowing we are loved no matter what, we can have the strength to face rejection from others. Only God can give us a deep sense of being loved because He always does, no matter what. It says in the Old Testament of the Bible, I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. So go ahead. Tell God everything you feel about your broken heart. He is there to listen and to help heal you.

“It is very important to go to God after you’ve had a bad relationship. God is the ONLY one who will heal your broken heart.” (-Osman)

Give yourself time to heal.

If your heart has been broken, it will take time for you to completely heal. At the time of the break-up, almost everyone thinks they will never feel normal again. But God has designed us so we will heal from wounds. It’s amazing to see how our human spirit comes back again. Some people heal faster than others. Some people’s emotions go deeper than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. But sooner or later you will begin to feel alive again and you will learn to accept this new feeling. Don’t fight the healing process and you will be on your way to smiling again in no time. So be patient with yourself. You will get through this.

“The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost.” (Lindsey)

The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. #BrokenHeartCLICK TO TWEET

Learn lessons from the experience.

It’s not if difficult things will happen to us. It is inevitable that they will. The question is can we learn from the experience? If we don’t learn, we will keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same response. So during this time of hurt, you might want to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your broken relationship. For example:

•  Did you fail to communicate openly?
•  Were you insensitive to your partner’s feelings?
• Were you too possessive or selfish?
• Were you physical sexually?
• Were you dishonest in the relationship?
• Am I learning how other people can be hurt?

Answers to these and other questions can help you be a much deeper person, better equipped for your next relationship.

“It is always easy to remember that life goes on, no one promised it would be easy, but everything happens for a reason. And if it is something that will change your life, then let it.” (Brian T.)

source:  https://www.thehopeline.com/35-getting-over-a-broken-heart-part-4

I Am Tired

Aku capek....

Drained emotionally. And tired physically.

Trying to be strong. Trying to restore my faith. But I'm almost in the edge of falling down.

Aku capek. Aku sendiri. Aku sepi. Berapa malam lagi harus kuisi dengan keterjagaan saat sebenarnya aku butuh off sejenak dari semua pikiran yang nggak terkontrol ini. People in anxiety are crying to sleep. How can't I? I cry but still awake. It makes me even more tired.

Aku capek.... Capek banget. I wanna be somewhere else. I want to be able to forget and erase all that happened during end of 2011 to February 2017. Of course it includes the whole nightmares following after Feb. When my world was in a complete disaster.

I wanna restore my faith in God and I am trying hardest. But there are always ups and downs. When at down stage, I really wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. Fall in an eternal sleep.... Karena kucapek.


SH
2:30 am
At last coming back here again after holding myself for so many many times in the last few months. Sorry....