Coming to My Sense?

妹：你要吃东西呀，不吃身体会吃不消的，怎么来中国见我呀，听姐姐的别这样好吗？

Last night after karaoke (yes I was still sobbing helplessly singing my nostalgic songs of him), checking my phone I found this message. It's from my Chinese sister. It reads "(Little) Sis, you must eat something, your body won't bear it if you don't eat. How will you come to China to meet me? Listen to this sister here don't be like this, okay?"

Must be "my mom" at office "reported" to her about my condition. I barely ate nothing at lunch break. On the afternoon a few hours before clock out, she called me on the phone: 

M: You better carefully listen to me, I'm not talking as a friend but as a senior to you.

S:  What's this about? 

M: Don't think much, just listen. Don't think I'm nosy, it's that I care.

S: Say it.... (started thinking what have I done wrong)

M: You better start to eat or I won't let you go to China. You've been like this for 5 days already, if you keep doing this, by the time you go to China you'd collapse and getting infused instead. You want it to be like that?

S: (.. she randomly called me just to tell me to eat? lol) It's not like I don't eat at all, I still eat, Maam... I just have no appetite..

M: Don't even start. I don't care appetite thingy, you must eat like normal.   

S: Then buy me the ticket first (to China), then I'll eat normal. 

M: No way. I'm telling your sister to cancel this trip. You know you're slowly killing yourself right, being like this?

S: Let it be..

M: Watch your mouth. I'm telling your sister to cancel this trip if you don't start eating normally. If that's not enough, I'll tell your boss too tomorrow in the management meeting.

S: Ah, don't! Okay you know I'm going out with my friend tonight, right? She promised me she'll feed me. I'll eat. I will.

M: Are you a baby she needs to feed? *laugh*

S: Whatever, Mam.. I didn't ask her anything, she said she wanted to treat me, I said I still don't feel like eating and she said she'd feed me :p

M: Whatever. I'll tell her to better make you eat and provide me the proof.

S: Like you knew her number :p

Right after the conversation ended, I spent a minute "contemplating": is this me, she has just talked to? Sarah, who likes food better than anyone else? Sarah, who can't stop munching? Is that me.. how many days again she said? 5 days? I can't believe it.

So that night, I ate for the first time in the last 5 days like a.. an almost normal person. It's still a little hard to munch let alone enjoy the food, but I managed to eat up almost one piece of chicken warp. That's all. Oh and a stick of french fries. I never imagined before that such a day when I have difficulty enjoying food, would come in my life...

So from today on, realizing I need to survive so that I could go meet my sister in China, although I still haven't managed to get rid of his remembrance and all the painful imagination of him with his new girl, I've decided to try even much harder to accept the fact... 

... the fact that he has erased me from his heart and his memory. Get rid of that remembrance when he helplessly said he couldn't erase you, baby. It's only an illusion now.

The fact that I'm the only one getting hurt when the other party is replacing me with someone else younger prettier than me.. and celebrating his new happy life with her.. without spending a minute thinking how am I doing.

The fact that he'd chosen her and remove me. (I swear writing this is like sprinkling salt over my open wound...)

The fact that he, no matter how I was so convinced he was different, but turns out is still a normal guy who has fallen for a beautiful girl this fast.. this fast....  

The fact that my mum was right when I said to her "I'm worried if he really takes 2 years to get a new girl" and her expression was like "do you actually buy that? not a man in this world will be able to refuse girls, even when his one eye is crying over a woman, his other eye is already searching for another one". LOL. She is so true. I said to her "but he is different, he is more than sincere to me.." Oh I was such a fool... (but here's a secret fact: I still believe he's a good guy after all.. can I be more pathetic?)

And most of all,

The fact that you and him are just not destined to be together whatever happens.

Well, life goes on. He has her now. You? You have none. Lol. (You have your God, Sarah. I know, I know...)

SH

Dear You....

Dear painkillers,
Dear sleeping pills,
Dear abdominal drugs,

Thanks to you, buddies, I survived these hella days. I left one of you and my nightmare came last night. Yes, I'm saying this to you my dear sleeping pills, I was all wide awake last night I thought I could make it without you.. I'll make sure I'm taking you again tonight :) otherwise, who knows which else of remembrance will come haunting me? Which kind of other jealousy will get to me? hehe.


Dear office mate,
I couldn't thank you enough for being with me without I even asked, caring for me day by day like I am your something that you can't live without, haha, with your big tummy carrying your baby inside you kept following me wandering anywhere after works, worrying I'd do something weird. You didn't have to say it, I pretended I hadn't noticed, but I had. You insisted me going to the canteen for lunch when you knew I'd touch none of the food there. I know I was there when things went super hard for you, so you are trying to repay me, aren't you? :p


Dear maam,
You are like my mom at office. Remember that hug you gave me instinctively when you searched for me and found I was hiding at the restroom bursting in tears? Patting my back while trying to comfort me. It meant a lot. I couldn't thank you enough..


Dear boss,
I'm sure I had managed to be cheerful like always but was it my puffy eyes that made you came and talk to me out of the blue? You knew pretty well about me who's a crybaby and like a father you came to motivate me without even asking what kind of problem I was facing. I pray that God pour you more blessing..


Dear my sister 2 year older,
I love you and you know it. Thanks for not telling Mama without I told you to not to, or else she will be sad and mad at me.. Thank you for spending one night sleeping beside me, at least I wouldn't feel all alone although my mind still couldn't be controlled and I ended up being awake the whole night, haha.


Dear my little brother I cherish all the time,
"Yayah,,, kenapa...." you saying this in a soft voice right upon me opening the door, coming home from office that very day, was like a little spoonful of sugar poured into a big big cup of black coffee, made it less bitter though doesn't erase the bitterness itself. I know you love me most :p


Dear Coco,
Our dumb bunny :p you did nothing but seeing your big innocent eyes while patting your fluffy body, could finally bring a little smile on my face..


Dear campus mates,
I was sorry I couldn't hide that gloomy face when we're supposed to be having a happy time. I was sorry I couldn't hold the tears and let you guys get teary too. Thank you for the karaoke, the advice, the concern and time to listen.


Dear campus mate over there who is going through the similar bitterness as me,
You know we can count on each other. I'll be here and I know you'll be there anytime.


Dear senior high mates,
Thank you for instantly offering time to meet in the middle of your busy schedule. Sorry I wasn't ready, I couldn't help being teary if we had met anytime around that. Thank you for wanting to come over to my house but I chose to let myself out at the karaoke instead. Does your cheesecake treat still valid? I guess by next week I'll be interested in food already ;)


Dear junior high mates,
I couldn't go visit you and your newborn baby. Sorry.. I didn't want to ruin the happy atmosphere at your side. Will make sure to reserve a time soon, darling. And for you, R, you've always been there through my ups and downs all the time I was fighting for this love. I knew you felt the same sadness as me when things ended up like this. Sorry for making you teary once again...


Dear Mama,
I went back and forth between wanting to pour out all this sorrow I've been struggling, but I know it will only make you sad. I chose to keep it sealed from you. I remember your bitter face seeing me sobbing uncontrollably on that night when he came to meet papa. You were there stroking my feet when I was lying on the bed doing nothing but crying helplessly, your eyes getting red and teary. I made you sad and I know you're disappointed not predicting I could be that fragile over a man. I don't want to let you see me like that again, this time.


Dear me,
See how many people care about you at their utmost sincerity. You lost one precious person and only left with uncountable memories of him, whether it's bitter or sweet, but you still have many other who care more for you. Your heart still aches, you are feeling helpless not knowing how to face tomorrow, not knowing what can haunt your mind. But here's a fact: he belongs to someone else now, face it, treasure the people who love you. Come on, you can.

It's the fifth day and I'm still fragile. I thought I've cried enough tears but in fact I still hold quite a lot of them inside my eyes. I'm still in denial, but been trying harder to learn that what came to me as a huge shock last Thursday night is indeed real. I'm trying much harder to let him be happy like I wished him to be, after the last break up. Sooner or later, someone else other than you, will be there with him, creating beautiful moments together and finally have their names written on a wedding invitation. Try harder to block this imagination for it's extremely unbearable for your fragile heart now, and admit it that he already found that someone.

It's the fifth day and I'm trying much harder. And whether it be next week, next month or next year, I will finally get over it.

Speaking of which, I'm leaving this country soon. All I have ever felt when I'm about to leave for China, was only happiness. It's like my second home already. How will I get unhappy? But this time, I don't feel excited at all. China, whichever the counties, reminds me of him. Being in China means staying alone in the room prepared for you. It will be another challenge for the fragile me, this time. But. I've challenged myself, no matter how fragile my heart might be, I must be able to bear it whatever it takes, and not cry a single tear. Anymore. Then I will come back home.. being the new me, without his trace haunting. Hopefully.


SH    

It's All Thanks to You....

That I experienced this bitterness..
I never blame you. It's just my sorrowful heart blocking my logic mind.
To yesterday, I didn't want to talk about logic, cause all I could feel was bitterness.

It's the fourth day and I'm feeling a slightly better, of course my heart still stings every now and then, no matter what I am doing. Talking with friends, laughing with them, it stings, and it stings more when I have nothing in mind. You may say I'm too much, but none could understand this until they experience it themselves. Of course since I'm quite a melancholic dominant so it will be much more unbearable for me than those who aren't.

Last three days, I lost appetite. If you know me very well, I'm someone who even takes fried rice as a snack, I'm that kind who never not want to chew, I'm the type to still want to eat even when I am being hospitalized. In short, I love food so hugely much. Seems I loved him more than my love to food, by the third day, I lost 2 kg. I should be happy but I could feel nothing but pain. Singing got me better, and now I'm trying to put more focus to strengthen my spiritual life. Well take times, but I'm going to that direction. I've decided not to blame God nor anyone.

Last three days, there was not a single day I didn't take Mefinal. My head ached. For two nights I couldn't sleep since my heart was so heavy and aching, I could see the images of him doing sweet things with his new one when my eyes were closed. So the third night, when I couldn't bear it, I asked my sister to bring me some sleeping pills. And thankfully last night I could have 5 hour sleep. Starting today I feel my stomach aching, as far as I'm understanding my own body, I'm not someone with gastric problems but I think I'm taking some medicine for this when I get back home. I still don't feel like eating food.

You know, I always thought that one can't really go through something this bad to the point they lose appetite and feel the heart aching. The melancholic songs, the sad dramas, I thought it was all purely made up. But it turns out that the dramas and songs are made up of reality. Some people actually go through love bitterness and experience these hardships.

It's the fourth day.
My heart still stings. Very much.


SH

 

It's Over When... It's Over

Yesterday seems so far away from today, yet feels so close.

Far, since I couldn't fall asleep up to this morning and this time when I'm typing this.

Close, since the shock from yesterday still leaves a hint here and there in my heart. My tears that was bursting uncontrollably could stop for a while, then it comes out again. Oh, could I be even more pathetic than I am now?

Why does this feel so very hard. All of this that happens now is due to my own choice. My scars that I have now are all due to my own choice at the very beginning. Still, I kept giving out a hint to him when I was "tidying up" my computer from his trails of existence in my world. You know by doing this, you just keep creating more wounds to you who are already having full of them. But you just keep doing this just for the injustice feeling inside you. You actually know it too well that he has been through much hardship as well, but you just want to keep doing that just to... what? Share your pain? How cruel you are, Sarah. 

I believe it takes time, doesn't it. My pains now are nothing compared to those who.. let's say, have lost their family members in all sudden. The only saddest thing about farewell is.. knowing you can never meet or having them around you anymore. I should be ready anytime for God puts someone in your life for a certain period of time and He will take them again, at anytime. Easily said, huh?

What makes it super hard by the time being is.. to find how long will it take for me to believe that God has better and more beautiful arrangement for me. My negative side keeps telling me to see things negatively and tries to fear me in all ways possible about how you won't find anyone better to replace him. My good friend shared her bitter experiences being left in all sudden by her beloved late father without being given a second to be with him at his last moments, and it took her 3 months that felt like forever to finally find life again. My other friends have had the grieves of losing people they love. My pains sound like nothing.. though for the time being it feels shitty as hell.

It's really over, Sarah. You choose your family.. and your God.. over him and he does too. He goes well with the scenario while you are not. You are mad at this. Come on come to your sense, will you. The image of that box of chocolate with a romantic card on it plus the sweet caption you found by accident the other day, that keeps being seen each time you close your eyes, will eventually fade away, and so your sorrow will as well fade away... slowly..  by that time, you may eventually believe God has another better plan for you.

It's already over, Sarah. It is, this time. Go on with your life, don't bother with the curiosity of what kind of another sweet thing he's doing to his new girl, the things that once melt your heart. It's nothing to do with you anymore. Be happy for him for he's tried to make you happy too for once in your life. No more reminisce let alone tears! Years of teary nights and days have come to the end, now. It's already over.

My bed room, blurry eyes.

SH 

It Really Has Ended

What is one of my many many many weaknesses?

I tend to love someone too deeply.

And when it's not going as what you want it to be, it will leave a deep deep scar deep within you. Your heart. None is gonna be able to see it, but you know you will never be the same person anymore. A half of you is gone, and you are now lost. 

I am sorry but this ain't any important story, well none of my life stories is important for most people anyway. But still, it's my own story. And my life is made of a compilation of stories. For the time being, it's a sad ending romance, it's a rotten slice of life, it's an episode I just want to skip and if there comes a genie asking for my only wish.. just.. could I turn back the time? To 2011? When everything was about to take scenes.. If only I had known before.

I tend to love someone too deeply. But I can't seem to be capable of finding a way to hate someone too harshly. Why is it? 

I tend to be the one who is left broken in pieces, why? Simply cause I'm a woman.

My first love of high school era has now married to a younger girl and I still can recall it as clearly as a crystal ball, sweet things he said to me when he was so in love with me. We broke up without even having the chance to be in a declared love relationship since we both held our idealism too much. We believed there should be no love relationship before marriage. Oh what a fool, now that I think of it. He was a very nice person. I never fall for a bad guy. 

Two days before his marriage, I was struggling to end a no-future-romance with the new guy I was in love with--yes, it's the guy who right now makes me want to end my life kill myself. So it was all by instinct that I texted him, the first love, after years of no communication between us, to simply ask him out of the blue, "how did we manage to end all at that time?". Since I was struggling so much. And I can't remember what he answered, but to my surprise, the news of him getting married was not long after the texting. And so I didn't come to his wedding reception. Why? Because I'm a woman he used to say sweet things to, so deep that it still leaves a mark deep in the very bottom of my heart, YET he didn't invite me personally. LOL what a childish reason. Anyways, first love never succeeds, you heard of it? But it lies deep. You know this saying, don't you?

But what can I say. This time is a whole whole lot different story. This is the guy I know I'm never gonna end up together with. We are too different. But I was hooked by him, despite the fact he was far from my ideal type, but perhaps he is, just I didn't realize it. He MADE the first move that no one ever knows, not to today, and I was kinda hypnotized since then. How many years has it been now? Despite all the differences and all the hopeless fact before my eyes, I finally invited him to meet my parents and it was not to my surprise that we still can't make it. God, why do You create love and why can it grow despite the difference also You create, just why? Can I not blame You, in this state?

And today.. After.. how many years again? The repeating break ups, the never ending hopes I silently grew inside my heart, the sweet things he's done (my bad, I can only recall the sweet things he's done since he is a good guy and yes I can still judge him good even when I'm left wounded like this now).. God have You planned long ago to make today the final end of everything? You showed me last night that all the sweet things he's done to me, now he's been doing it to another girl? Another girl and not me? Younger and prettier at that? Oh I hate this, I can't be fine with this as he said it with his own mouth that he needed 2-3 years to forget me and to get another girl yet he IS with another girl now only within a month after the last time he texted me. You can never trust any guy can't you??? 

I hate that I can't do nothing about this yet I am so hurt inside I wanna slit my wrist. I WANNA slit my wrist. I do, but I am too afraid of being physically painful! Good point otherwise none can no longer see me since periods ago! Nights I was longing for him but had to force myself to JUST bear it. Days I could see him and all the memories we'd spent together just by shutting my eyes down.

Hei.. I should've congratulated him sincerely since ONLY that way can I really do what everyone has been telling me to: move on. I should've thanked him for showing me the way to open my heart to a new person. Something I have always failed at, as I would always find my heart question if he's alright, if he's been eating well, if he's got enough sleep, if he's been hanging out with friends, and if he's opened his heart to a new girl. Each time when I was about to meet a new person. My worries and all these that were questioned by my heart, was all that I myself HAD requested to him to do by the time he was rejected by my parents. Please have a good life, please forget me, please be happy, please eat well and so on and so on. Now that I know he's been doing these well enough (too well actually to the point he HAS got a new girl!) I was mad at him. You can never damn trust ANY guy can't you??? And what the fucking hell do I wish for??? I can't blame him instead I need to be grateful but how am I not left wounded and in pain when I have given my all to him and when he WAS the one who begged me over and over to not end everything between us. 

This time is different. He ain't barely my first love. He was someone I hoped to be the last. We created too many memories already and we failed at last. And he moved on first. What can be worse? What can leave more pains for me? Why do I have to be the one at loss? Why? Because I'm a woman. 

. . .

You know, Sarah. You will never be the same anymore. How will you deal with your heart and with the constant feeling of wanting to blame your God? And your parents? You wanna blame them for being a part of this hell you're going through but not even a minute that you do not want to make them happy. How will you make them happy when you are sooo dying inside? You know time will heal, but when? When your mama is nagging at you like everyday, demanding you to quickly find a man to marry, warning you with "hey watch over your age, you are almost a left over already, be realistic" and blah blah blah. You know I'm wounded, Mum. You know it's not that I'm not trying. I am really painful please can you help heal this quick... I am dying....

I am so pessimistic to find a new love and not end up getting hurt again, as I am not in any drama right now. It's my real life. The director is the God, and I can't even ask Him like He'd directly answer to my only question: how far is happiness away from me? And the more exact questions like: how will I meet my other half? When? Where? Will I be meeting him here or in the afterlife? Will I be able to bear it if You actually destined us to meet in the afterlife?

Why is it that I can't no longer feel Your love towards me? I've been trying to be a good girl my WHOLE life and I only want a happy ending love but why have You given me all these scars? Can I continue putting my trust in You and not blame You? Will You stop already torturing my inner heart?

Will these tears I've been shedding enormously at least be able to let You touched and so give me the sweetest gift I have always prayed for......  

Depok, February 17, 2017

Counting to the day I can finally see the world with its beautiful colors again 

   

  

Trip to Singapore (1)

Berawal dari keinginan jalan-jalan bareng dengan sahabat-sahabat, aku akhirnya benar-benar on a trip to Singapore bersama M dan A. Bertiga saja. Wacana trip bareng memang sudah sering muncul, tapi justru bukan dengan geng SMA (A, M kebetulan dari geng SMA) melainkan dengan geng kuliah. Seingatku, yang sering memunculkan wacana justru Aling, kemudian Yoan, Aisy, lalu Lucee, Waipo. Kita inginnya sih ke Korea, tapi dana darimana? Apa mungkin Aling dengan toko materialnya itu mau jadi donatur kita satu geng? Hahaha yang bener aja. Jadilah kita cari yang sedikit lebih dekat dan terjangkau, dan realistis: Singapore. Tapiiii entah kenapa selalu cuma berakhir wacana. Baru-baru ini malah rencana dibelokkan ke Malaysia saja karena Waipo bisa "menanggung" tempat tinggal selama di sana. Bali, sejak awal tidak masuk pilihan, karena dengar-dengar biaya lumayan tinggi plus beberapa dari member sudah pernah ke sana.

Balik ke cerita ke Singapore bareng M dan A. Tiket pesawat kita pesan promo Tiger Air, di Desember 2013, untuk keberangkatan Mey 29, 2014 sampai Juni 1, 2014. Kalau dihitung-hitung, per orang tidak sampai 800 ribu sudah PP. Semacam sedih juga mendengar berita Mandala Tiger Air akan dihentikan operasinya per Juli 1, 2014 besok, karena menurutku pelayanannya oke, pesawatnya cukup nyaman dibanding Lion Air (not to compare to Garuda hehe), daaaann ajaibnya, meskipun flight mengalami delay hampir satu jam atau bahkan lewat dari satu jam, kami selalu sampai di bandara tujuan sesuai waktu yang dijadwalkan.

Kembali fokus ya, jadi ceritanya kami masing-masing sudah dapat cuti dari kantor, lalu sepakat akan naik Damri ke bandara di hari H, karena ceritanya ga mau ngerepotin orang tua. Tapi ayah A mau antar sampai Blok M, supaya dari situ kami lanjut naik Damri. Nah ajaibnya, di hari H, dimana malam sebelumnya aku sudah sepakat jam 5:30 pagi akan sudah di rumah A (artinya harus berangkat 5:25 dari rumah, berarti bangun dan siap-siap maksimal dari 4:30), pagi itu malah baru bangun jam 5:10! Entah salah pasang alarm atau gimana, karena dalam sejarah hidupku, aku ini selalu paling gampang terbangun bahkan cuma dari suara pintu kamar dibuka loh. Hectic morning dimulai, akhirnya Papah sang pahlawan dengan tanpa ngomel dan tanpa banyak bicara seperti biasa, langsung anterin putri kesayangannya ini ke bandara. :') *ujung2nya tetep ngerepotin orang tua hehe.

(Start from here you'll find daily-spoken-bahasa-written-form :p)

Tiger Air setau kami di terminal 3, jadi aku didrop di sana dan Papa langsung pergi. Aku nunggu mereka berdua beberapa menit, sambil liat-liat flights board. Bingung, kenapa di situ nggak ada data pesawat kami, apa jangan-jangan mestinya di terminal 2? Gak lama, M dan A datang, dan singkat cerita, kami ternyata memang salah terminal! Haha. Jadi kami langsung balik ke terminal 2 naik bis wara-wiri Soetta.. sampai di sana, kami masih sempetin sarapan dulu di KFC. Setelah itu, check in. FYI kami ga dapet bagasi dan ga berniat beli bagasi, otomatis barang bawaan masuk kabin semua dong.. Anehnya, saat check-in, tas ditimbang segala loh. Ya ga masalah sih, heran aja, karena setauku biasanya yang ditimbang khusus untuk bagasi sementara yang masuk kabin cukup dilihat physically.

Anyways, kami sampai dengan selamat di Spore. M dan A masing-masing sudah pernah ke sana 2x, jadi ga senorak aku yang bahkan mau foto-foto saat di Changi :p Kami foto sebentar, lalu naik MRT ke sebuah hotel di Bugis, yang mana sudah dibooking full payment sejak dari Indonesia. Di sini aku mulai dagdigdug, karena kami bertiga jauh-jauh hari sudah bikin konsep matang bahwa salah satu dari kami akan masuk sebagai invisible guest. Maksudnya? Jadi, pesan kamar hotel untuk 2 orang tapi secara de facto, akan ada tiga orang yang menghuninya (apalagi kalo bukan penerapan prinsip ekonomi :p). Sesampai di resepsionis, M dan aku langsung konfirmasi kamar dan prosesnya lumayan cepat sampai kami akhirnya tibalah di kamar di lantai 2. Tapi, o-ow.. ranjangnya cuma dua dan kecil-kecil sekali.. I mean, each ranjang cukup untuk 1 orang, tapi karena kami total bertiga, kalau 1 ranjang mau share untuk 2 orang, gimana ceritanya? Saat itu A sudah berhasil join di kamar tsb., kami berembuk sebentar, dan akhirnya memutuskan untuk minta tukar kamar dengan 1 bed besar (yang mana saat di Indo kita booking dengan spec seperti itu). Alhamdulillah resepsionis mau bantu, dan pindahlah kami ke kamar yang lebih baik dengan 1 bed besar yang cukup untuk bertiga di lantai 3. 

Meski akhirnya berhasil menjalankan rencana 2+1 invincible guest ini dengan lancar sampai akhir, terus terang untuk awal-awalnya aku selalu merasa was-was sampai pernah dimarahi A karena menurutnya aku terlalu nefting, saat mengajukan ide untuk buat kode-kode tertentu antara kami bertiga just in case sth worse happens. Poin yang aku ga setuju, menurutku ini bukan nefting, ini lebih ke sikap waspada. Ga ada salahnya kan kita berjaga-jaga? Overconfidence over a thing is never too wise, no?

It's been A YEARRR

So I just felt soooo damn bored that in all sudden I felt like writing here..

and came to realize, a year has passed by since I last updated the blog.

OMG.

Hahahaha.

I still remember clearly my intention in making this blog was to write down all things happened in my life, to make it like a diary of mine (surely by filtering which stories I may publish and which ones I should just keep private), since I realized my memorizing ability isn't very good. But then, as I am busy living my life (pret) and also I can't lie about my high level of laziness lol.. I am getting slow in updating this diary and taraaaa in a glance, it's a year already??

I just changed the blog's template and in a while, will "redecorate" all stuffs here. I'm gonna delete some rubbish posts or any posts I may feel like "did I really write this?? so I used to be this "alay" back then? did i use to be this kind of me??" :p You know, as time goes by, your age is also changing (shortly say: becoming older, I'm not saying I'm getting matured, but yes older definitely is), your basic character may not be changing but who knows what could change your point of view of this life.. Yes, I changed -quite- a lot. :)

I may be updating this blog more often from now on. 

Be ready. :p

Sarah Chen