Sambat Saturday

It's all dust here.
Three months on, every day except for Sundays, I come here to the office that is no difference with... a warehouse. Sometimes I get too tired, not from the work, but from the routines.

The first time I knew I was going to work at such a place... I was in disbelief. I was losing all my positivity, the brightness that was gradually gone somewhere, was finally gone completely. I was starting to question if I'm making the right decision moving here.

But I need to be responsible, so I stayed.

Colleagues are all nice people, I thought. The Boss was kind to me, I said to myself. No reason to give up so soon. I am shifting from all the comfort from my former workplace to this place now... where it's all dust no matter how many times I clean (yep I do cleaning as well here, HAHAHAHA). Where there is NO water most of the time so people basic needs like going pee (and poo occasionally, you never know when you might eat something too spicy your stomach can't bear it right?) or wash hands (remember it is VERY dusty here) or take wudhu if you want to pray.... I need time to adapt. I still do, even now, three months on.

I have to bear looking at videos my big sister sends me every day showing how my nephew has gotten smarter every day, now he can do this he can do that. The bonding he's starting to have with my little sister... I miss him every day, I am envious of my little sister who can hold him just every time she wants, I am holding tears seeing him playing with his grandpa. It's not my first time leaving home for months but this time it's all different. I'm still in this intersection, I'm still wounded. I'm still pretty much the same me, with many weaknesses, no matter how hard I try to be stronger.

These days I've been struggling with my BED again, last two nights I even wondered if I'd live forever fighting it? Thinking about some other problems today I am right now feeling so down again, one of the worst phases probably. The last time I had suicidal thought, though, was so long ago... I thought I had decided to enjoy life but turned out I still can get so tired and fed up living it.... I did think about going to die just an hour ago, which I found a bit surprising. I might still choose to end my life if only... the dying process could be quick and least least painful.

I don't know how many more times I need to feel this way, I have promised not to give up even when no one really understands me. Sometimes I do think if I am still depressed? If I was indeed depressed? I can really just lose the desire to live in times I never predicted. And sometimes it's just very very hard for me to get back up again and stand on my own feet. Still, no one understands. So I've stopped telling them. They are living with their own miseries, as well. I can't be selfish.... I don't want to pity myself so I'm holding these tears every time, and no matter how hard it is, I'll keep telling myself, tomorrow is a new beginning, you can start over again. And the lights will find you again, one day, eventually.  Hopefully.


Still grateful that I believe I am loved. Still thankful that I know I have them who sincerely love me as what I really am. I'm gonna keep living with this piece of grateful heart towards them, a loving heart I believe I always have in me.


SH