Going Cray Cray....

(Tulisan ini dibuat Maret 2020)

Kadang....
Transisi ini terasa sangat membingungkan, berat, dan sungguh menyulitkan.
Kadang rasanya hampir gila.
Dan nggak ada yang paham....

Kadang masih ingin menyerah seketika.
Apa jadinya kalo aku kena Corona?

Aku nggak tau lagi mau berpegang pada doktrin puluhan tahun ini,
atau benar-benar meninggalkannya. Tapi yang kutahu, bahkan proses untuk meninggalkannya saja sudah mau membuatku gila. Sementara kalau mau kembali, hatiku benar-benar sudah tidak sama memandangnya.

Hatiku menolak hal-hal yang bertentangan dengan nilai-nilai yang kuanut selama puluhan tahun ini, tapi aku nyaman dengan tidak menjalankan sebagian nilai yang tidak sesuai hati nuraniku.

Saat kamu nyaman dengan seseorang tetapi banyak nilai yang dia anut, yang bertentangan dengan nilaimu. Sungguh kamu menyadari kamu tidak akan pernah bisa menemukan orang yang benar-benar 100% bisa sesuai dengan keinginanmu. Di situlah kamu harus, lagi-lagi, belajar berkompromi.

Tapi sampai sejauh mana aku bisa berkompromi?

Akhirnya aku hanya bisa merasakan hampa, ingin menangis pun kadang sudah tidak bisa.

Aku menulis ini sambil mendengarkan lagu ballads dari Kyuhyun. Suaranya enak sekali.
Apa korelasinya dengan tulisan di atas? Tidak ada.
Hanya... kadang, saat sudah sedemikian hampa kurasa, musik ternyata masih bisa jadi tempat kudapatkan ketenangan sesaat.

Hampa, aku hampa.


SH

To Write is (Trying) To Heal

Sometimes I feel bad that I only come here when things are going rough. Maybe not everytime, but... most of the time. That sounds the same. Lol.
Like I kinda feel like this blog deserves much better and brighter writings, but my melancholic self feels like filling it up mostly with dark atmospheres. Lol, again.

Three weeks on in the new year, I've been trying to open my heart and to receive love, and of course to love back. And I never knew it would be this difficult. When I thought to myself that I might be having trust issues, I didn't really think it was a real issue. Until I discovered it recently.

I have felt betrayed even though it didn't really count as a betrayal. That was the case from a few years back. I don't want to live in the past and all this time I've been learning to let go of everything and move on completely. But what happened to me in the past, I can't remove it.

The heart wants what it can't have. People come and go, only a few choose to stay. And when the heart chooses back whom it wants to stay there, why must it choose someone who, again, you most likely can't have?

Setting aside all the imposibilities, and all the "minus points" I tried to figure out from this someone, I chose to believe my heart that this guy comes offering tremendous love for me. And when I can safely choose anyone else who has come offering the same amount of love to me, and may be even more sincere, I ended up choosing someone I might face a lot of hardships in the future to be with, only because again, I'm following my heart to choose him.

And then I got hurt again. Once... twice.... So I tried to lower my expectations. He may not love me as much as I thought he did, because he already made me feel like I'm only an option. But it doesn't even erase all the efforts he's done. It doesn't erase my feelings to him. So I'm thinking if this is just me being overly insecured. But I still can't find the answer. I'm starting to get afraid of losing this person but I'm still hurt by what I found about him might be seeing me only as an option, and not love me as much as he made me feel like he did.

It turns out to give your heart to someone, needs so much courage. It turns out that I'm still deeply affected by my past wounds. It turns out that I still haven't got enough courage to be what I really am, to choose what my heart tells me to.

I still easily get scared. By this world.



SH

2020 HEY!!!

Hari ketiga di tahun baru!
Hari ketiga pula sejak tahun ini dimulai, sakit di kepalaku setia menemani.

Hari pertama ku mengalami another breakdown tetapiiii bersyukur karena itu pun terlewati.
Ku sampai di hari ke-tiga ini, thank God!

Ku ga mau buat resolusi resolusi whatsoever hahahahaha.
Cukup jalani hari dengan penuh syukur.

Bahagia itu sulit, bagiku. Nggak tau ada hubungannya sama ke-Scorpio-anku atau nggak, tapi ku takut untuk bahagia. Karena di saat yang sama dengan itu, selalu ada rasa takut bahagia itu akan sirna dan berganti duka. Padahal memang itulah seninya hidup di dunia, ya kan?

Pun membuka hati. Ternyata masih sulit bagiku. Sudah 3 tahun berlalu sejak pertama aku mulai jatuh dan kemudian terseret dalam luka yang panjang. Sudah 2 tahun sejak aku terakhir jatuh cinta. Tahun ini, semoga aku bisa jatuh cinta lagi, dan semoga tidak akan berujung luka kembali. Tahun ini, aku akan embrace bahagia yang mungkin bisa kudapatkan. Tahun ini, mungkin aku akan bersama seseorang.

Walaupun selalu dipenuhi ketakutan akan kegagalan, ketakutan akan kesalahan dalam mengambil keputusan, aku akan bertanggungjawab dengan hidupku. Dan mungkin, berdampingan dengan seseorang akan menguatkan.

Hari pertama kulalui dengan air mata. Aku masih struggling sama banyak hal. Sempat terpikir untuk menyerah saja, dan give up on everything, tapi aku tersadarkan.

Mati tidak perlu dikejar. Ia akan datang pada saatnya.
Bahagia pun, mungkin tidak perlu ditakutkan. Ia akan datang dan mungkin cepat sirna, karena semua sudah ada porsinya. Keputusan yang kuambil mungkin saja salah, tapi aku pasti bisa belajar darinya.

Semoga aku bisa terus belajar jadi dewasa.


SH.

Latepost on Thirty Me!

Hari ini 21. Kalo dibalik? 12. My number. My day. Maksa? Well it's still November, still my month. Jadi iyain aja udah. Yang penting anaknya girang dikit :)))

So, yeah. A very belated happy birthday, me :)  Mood nulis ga bisa dipaksa, saat ga ada ya ga bisa nulis. Baru moodnya muncul sekarang. Sambil ditemani lantunan Bad Guy-nya Billie Eilish. (OMG I'm so addicted to this song!) Oke balik yuk. Jadi what happened on D day?

In the morning right when I woke up, still in bed, I took some time to think... How am I gonna spend today? And by today, I mean after work. I finish work at 6 pm so... Maybe some alone time will do? Like going Starbucks to redeem my birthday cake reward! Have it with a grande of cold drink. Sounds fun? Hehe. So that was my temporary plan.

A few days before my day, I was again at some of the worst stage, this time because I was deeply hurt by my colleagues. There was some misunderstanding, I felt I was being mistreated. I never felt more hurt.... It's because for months I'm here, they had already been like my own family. You know, you won't get hurt unless by people you love.... For 2 days I didn't talk any non-work related stuff with them. Still I couldn't bear it alone so at last I talked it out to a close friend, which is also part of the team. He did not solve anything, but I felt a bit better afterwards. But still, I said to him, "I wish giving birthday cake isn't a must by the company's rules. I really don't wish to receive it from them, on my birthday". 

I was hurt, I was scared, honestly to the point that I texted my Mum asking what would she and Papa think if I actually decide to go back home and stay for good. I remembered Papa had been tired with daily managing the store, should I just go back and learn to help, and when the time comes, replace him. I knew he never really meant it when he warned me about removing my name from KK. I knew he was just as hurt as I was. Things were complicated and difficult...

In all honesty, though, I also knew I still wanted to stay here. My heart somehow was trying to encourage me: don't give up just yet, things will get better eventually. And it's true! It was getting better bit by bit, I wasn't feeling that upset anymore, and even though it still felt awkward (perhaps just me), we were eating my birthday cake together, with some laughter.

The new boss wasn't aware, so when he knew, he quickly made a plan and arranged a birthday dinner that night. And of course, KTV ;) So I didn't get my alone time at Starbucks, but I got something back i return, that was not so bad. Not at all :)

I got myself a pair of new sneakers (I am so much into sneakers now hahaha) and a new phone! A pinky phone I had long wanted :") Despite having been financially troubled due to a lot reasons, I still managed to convince myself that I deserved it. The gifts. My mum at former office also sent me a gift... all the way from Depok :'( She is the same person who sent me mooncakes back on the day of Chinese Mooncake Festival.

My bestie from Depok also came to have our birthday trip (she's born a week prior) here. I am always grateful I have her as well as my all other besties, but to have one of them come to you at your rough times.... it was like a blessing. I got a new Buckwheat plushy from her (have lost the one I had during my trip in Taiwan) how considerate is she :'(  Changed a bit of my plan: originally I only was going to treat her to some birthday meal, and cover all the expense when she's here on the first day, but then I saw her eyes blink seeing some pearl accessories so I bought her a pearl bracelet and I was more than happy that I did it. Lombok is known to be pearl manufacturer island after all...

Oh one more thing. My new (gay) friend also treated me for a pizza dinner and it was all his plan alone. I am sooo touched! You see, once I set my heart to open my mind, absorb things I had always only been scared of to even know back when I was a very reserved and devoted and indoctrinated girl, I've been now a happier woman. How I wish everyone could just accept me whatever state I am.. How I wish people wouldn't be so judgmental. How I wish my parents would be the first ones to understand me, and still support me whatever decisions I make.

Untuk mengakhiri.... Aku masih di persimpangan ini. Ya, masih di sini. Sudah 30, astaga, kepala 3 sekarang. Betapa menakutkan, dulu, setiap kali memikirkan "beban kepala tiga". Mesti menikah cepat-cepat, mesti settle, mesti bisa membuat keputusan, mesti tau apa yang dimau. Mesti ini mesti itu. Or, no? :)


SH

 

Sambat Saturday

It's all dust here.
Three months on, every day except for Sundays, I come here to the office that is no difference with... a warehouse. Sometimes I get too tired, not from the work, but from the routines.

The first time I knew I was going to work at such a place... I was in disbelief. I was losing all my positivity, the brightness that was gradually gone somewhere, was finally gone completely. I was starting to question if I'm making the right decision moving here.

But I need to be responsible, so I stayed.

Colleagues are all nice people, I thought. The Boss was kind to me, I said to myself. No reason to give up so soon. I am shifting from all the comfort from my former workplace to this place now... where it's all dust no matter how many times I clean (yep I do cleaning as well here, HAHAHAHA). Where there is NO water most of the time so people basic needs like going pee (and poo occasionally, you never know when you might eat something too spicy your stomach can't bear it right?) or wash hands (remember it is VERY dusty here) or take wudhu if you want to pray.... I need time to adapt. I still do, even now, three months on.

I have to bear looking at videos my big sister sends me every day showing how my nephew has gotten smarter every day, now he can do this he can do that. The bonding he's starting to have with my little sister... I miss him every day, I am envious of my little sister who can hold him just every time she wants, I am holding tears seeing him playing with his grandpa. It's not my first time leaving home for months but this time it's all different. I'm still in this intersection, I'm still wounded. I'm still pretty much the same me, with many weaknesses, no matter how hard I try to be stronger.

These days I've been struggling with my BED again, last two nights I even wondered if I'd live forever fighting it? Thinking about some other problems today I am right now feeling so down again, one of the worst phases probably. The last time I had suicidal thought, though, was so long ago... I thought I had decided to enjoy life but turned out I still can get so tired and fed up living it.... I did think about going to die just an hour ago, which I found a bit surprising. I might still choose to end my life if only... the dying process could be quick and least least painful.

I don't know how many more times I need to feel this way, I have promised not to give up even when no one really understands me. Sometimes I do think if I am still depressed? If I was indeed depressed? I can really just lose the desire to live in times I never predicted. And sometimes it's just very very hard for me to get back up again and stand on my own feet. Still, no one understands. So I've stopped telling them. They are living with their own miseries, as well. I can't be selfish.... I don't want to pity myself so I'm holding these tears every time, and no matter how hard it is, I'll keep telling myself, tomorrow is a new beginning, you can start over again. And the lights will find you again, one day, eventually.  Hopefully.


Still grateful that I believe I am loved. Still thankful that I know I have them who sincerely love me as what I really am. I'm gonna keep living with this piece of grateful heart towards them, a loving heart I believe I always have in me.


SH

Life After Resigning....

So I decided to actually resign from the previous company, right after I did Umrah - the pilgrimage to the holy lands. It was in the end of October - I submitted my resignation in November and December before the year end/Christmas holiday was my last day.

It was an emotional farewell with the co-workers, and the boss. My boss spent the last hour to speak with me, hoping that I could find whatever I was seeking. When I first told him my resigning intention, he offered me help. He understood that I had no problem at all with my works (except that yes I did get very bored already), with the people, and that what I really needed... was actually a break. That I needed to search for that something that may require me to go out of home for the time being, even as going further as to leave the country. Without I asked, he was willing to give me a month break and when I rejoin, he would arrange me to work at one of the sister companies abroad. A very tempting offer I had to say no... because I had my own reason. However, his kind consideration will be one of the things I will always remember about him even after he's no longer my boss :)

Around beginning of January, I isolated myself for a week, in an apartment I rented in a neighboring city. I was going to restart my life all over again, making plans, rerouting my life direction, finding my purpose, all grand plans hahaha. In fact, though, I ended up dwelling more in my loneliness. I watched TV and I cried, I was going to exercise but binged eating instead, I couldn't sleep at night and when I did, he would appear in my dream. I woke up feeling so empty. It's like the episodes that already happened once in my life but were reoccurring once again. This time even worse, because I had my own anxiety of the future - mainly because up to that point, I had always been a financially stable woman, and the thought that I was unemployed extremely terrified me. It gave me another nightmare - the overthinking side of myself always reminded me of how I might have no income until only God knows when and yet I knew I wasn't ready for another job given I was still in a confusion about my inner state.

Another thing that gave me anxiety, was the fact that I just discovered that I have an illness. Only within a few days upon being unemployed, some days at the end of December, I discovered that I actually had a genetic illness that needed quite a sum of money for treatment. Thankfully it's not a life threatening disease, but it is most likely the reason I'd been searching for what caused my migraine that I had a lot since I was young. My mum suggested that I cancel my planned trips and use my savings to undergo the treatment, and it broke my heart in an instance, to think that I might have to do as she said. However at last I still listened to my heart and go on with my plan :)

My Umrah pilgrimage brought something else in me. Before I turned 29 that year after I came back from the holy trip, I realized that something big had already taken place, in my inner heart. It has played a big part in my life journey. I was starting to be someone different, yet remained the same in many aspects.

When I decided to leave the workplace, I had been so sure that one of the things I wanted to do was solo travel. Coming back to my home after a week isolation, I began to take real action on some travel plans I had made.

January. I went to Jogjakarta, the place that belongs to everyone's heart, the place that always welcomes any of us who's looking for peacefulness, or simply wants to refresh a bit from their life problems, hahaha. There's something about Jogja that makes you want to go back there every once in a while. I went there with a beloved friend of mine I sometimes call Eonnie as she's older even though tiny, hehe. Details of the trip, along with the other trips I've done, will be written in a separate post. In this month, I also watched Blackpink concert in Jakarta with two besties, haha.

February. My nephew had been born. And I fall in love once again. I'm officially an aunt now, and I love him no less than her mom loves him. I dedicated this month wholly to assist my big sister from her delivery to taking care of the newborn. I held him in my arms, put him to sleep, and cleaned his poopy when he was only 2 days young, when her mom was still too weak to do these. I love him more and more each day, but little did I know this love would again one day be my another burden....

March. Another trip I made to Bandung. With a bestie, to meet another bestie whose mom got ill. If asked which cities I love in Indonesia, Bandung and Jogja are definitely on my list. It was a short trip but I remember when I got home from the city, I fell sick - cold and cough a.k.a batpil so I couldn't spend as much time with the newborn!

April. I decided to postpone my solo trip and wait until my nephew turned 2 months. I didn't have the heart to let my big sis, the baby's mom, take the new mom stress syndrome all to herself. And I love the baby. But I still needed to go so Hong Kong trip is made during this month. I departed from my home end of March and spent 3 weeks in this wonderful country.

May. From Hong Kong, I moved to Taiwan. I stayed there in Taichung for two weeks since mid of April until beginning of May. It was approaching Ramadan so I needed to go home and spend the holy month with the family.

June. The biggest celebration of Muslim falls in this month in this year: Eid al Fitr. My family and I (already minus my big sis and my nephew I love so much!!!) decided to celebrate it in my mom's hometown, Lampung, the southest part of Sumatera island. I waited until the end of the month to make another trip to China - Beijing this time.

July. Up to this day when I'm typing this, I've been staying on another island, far far away from home. An island known for its peacefulness, and its beauty. Its calmness, its many sources of natural scenic spots. An island that is said to be even worth visit than Bali. The island next to it: Lombok.

Seeing as how I seem to have just made one trip to another, from one place to the other, from month to month, people may take the wrong impression such as if I have thaaat much money to make it happen, where in reality, it really isn't. Of course it's a pain every time I'm checking my savings HAHAHA. But money can always be earned, while you have no idea how much longer you can live in this world. I'm going to write on other posts about my trips... and I'll try to stick with English. Through ups and downs, I'm forever a learner. :)


SH

Coming Back Stronger!!!

Heeiiii

Life still goes on, and so do I！

I have way too many stories to tell for the period of since the last time I posted here... up to today!

Life still hasn't been very nice to me, lol, but I'm still on this grand plan of training myself to see the good in everything, see things in a positive way, trying to be an independent and stronger me. It has never been easy, at all, it's a journey of ups and downs, of laughter and tears, of the deeply hidden loneliness and how I fight it day in day out, of how to find the happiness and peaceful life that belong to me.

I still struggle with self acceptance, I'm still finding a way to love myself unconditionally. That also speaks of my eating, sleeping disorders. I still have them but since I've accepted the fact that I do live with them, it's getting a bit easier for me to let it pass every time they come, instead of dwelling and self blaming on it. I'll just say to myself, "I slipped again this time, but I can always try again tomorrow." So when I binged, I'd tell myself it's okay, try not to do it again tomorrow. I didn't starve myself the next day. When I hadn't slept for 2 nights, I did not need to take pills for me to finally fall asleep the 3rd night.  

Of course, there are days when it feels just too hard to not give in to the negative thoughts. When it happens, I don't really force myself, so I give in. HOWEVER I have always managed to keep living until today, and that alone, is something that I need to celebrate! Hahaha.

Okay so that is all for now. When I have the time and the right mood, I'm gonna post more!