Hari ini 21. Kalo dibalik? 12. My number. My day. Maksa? Well it's still November, still my month. Jadi iyain aja udah. Yang penting anaknya girang dikit :)))
So, yeah. A very belated happy birthday, me :) Mood nulis ga bisa dipaksa, saat ga ada ya ga bisa nulis. Baru moodnya muncul sekarang. Sambil ditemani lantunan Bad Guy-nya Billie Eilish. (OMG I'm so addicted to this song!) Oke balik yuk. Jadi what happened on D day?
In the morning right when I woke up, still in bed, I took some time to think... How am I gonna spend today? And by today, I mean after work. I finish work at 6 pm so... Maybe some alone time will do? Like going Starbucks to redeem my birthday cake reward! Have it with a grande of cold drink. Sounds fun? Hehe. So that was my temporary plan.
A few days before my day, I was again at some of the worst stage, this time because I was deeply hurt by my colleagues. There was some misunderstanding, I felt I was being mistreated. I never felt more hurt.... It's because for months I'm here, they had already been like my own family. You know, you won't get hurt unless by people you love.... For 2 days I didn't talk any non-work related stuff with them. Still I couldn't bear it alone so at last I talked it out to a close friend, which is also part of the team. He did not solve anything, but I felt a bit better afterwards. But still, I said to him, "I wish giving birthday cake isn't a must by the company's rules. I really don't wish to receive it from them, on my birthday".
I was hurt, I was scared, honestly to the point that I texted my Mum asking what would she and Papa think if I actually decide to go back home and stay for good. I remembered Papa had been tired with daily managing the store, should I just go back and learn to help, and when the time comes, replace him. I knew he never really meant it when he warned me about removing my name from KK. I knew he was just as hurt as I was. Things were complicated and difficult...
In all honesty, though, I also knew I still wanted to stay here. My heart somehow was trying to encourage me: don't give up just yet, things will get better eventually. And it's true! It was getting better bit by bit, I wasn't feeling that upset anymore, and even though it still felt awkward (perhaps just me), we were eating my birthday cake together, with some laughter.
The new boss wasn't aware, so when he knew, he quickly made a plan and arranged a birthday dinner that night. And of course, KTV ;) So I didn't get my alone time at Starbucks, but I got something back i return, that was not so bad. Not at all :)
I got myself a pair of new sneakers (I am so much into sneakers now hahaha) and a new phone! A pinky phone I had long wanted :") Despite having been financially troubled due to a lot reasons, I still managed to convince myself that I deserved it. The gifts. My mum at former office also sent me a gift... all the way from Depok :'( She is the same person who sent me mooncakes back on the day of Chinese Mooncake Festival.
My bestie from Depok also came to have our birthday trip (she's born a week prior) here. I am always grateful I have her as well as my all other besties, but to have one of them come to you at your rough times.... it was like a blessing. I got a new Buckwheat plushy from her (have lost the one I had during my trip in Taiwan) how considerate is she :'( Changed a bit of my plan: originally I only was going to treat her to some birthday meal, and cover all the expense when she's here on the first day, but then I saw her eyes blink seeing some pearl accessories so I bought her a pearl bracelet and I was more than happy that I did it. Lombok is known to be pearl manufacturer island after all...
Oh one more thing. My new (gay) friend also treated me for a pizza dinner and it was all his plan alone. I am sooo touched! You see, once I set my heart to open my mind, absorb things I had always only been scared of to even know back when I was a very reserved and devoted and indoctrinated girl, I've been now a happier woman. How I wish everyone could just accept me whatever state I am.. How I wish people wouldn't be so judgmental. How I wish my parents would be the first ones to understand me, and still support me whatever decisions I make.
Untuk mengakhiri.... Aku masih di persimpangan ini. Ya, masih di sini. Sudah 30, astaga, kepala 3 sekarang. Betapa menakutkan, dulu, setiap kali memikirkan "beban kepala tiga". Mesti menikah cepat-cepat, mesti settle, mesti bisa membuat keputusan, mesti tau apa yang dimau. Mesti ini mesti itu. Or, no? :)
SH
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